Happiness is only temporary – being content is the way.

This is the extended January 2015 column from the York Press.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/author/profile/42456/

Happiness is only temporary – being content is the way

Two topics came to mind for this New Year column.

1. Happiness
2. Procrastination.

Given the nature of procrastination, I will defer that subject until next month and write about happiness.

Most of us have spent the past few weeks wishing a Happy Christmas and Happy New Year to friends, family and people we have met randomly.

The sentiment is genuine, but what do we really mean by ‘happy’? Each of us will feel happy for different reasons. We can be suckers for the advertiser’s dream of happiness. Sooner or later, what can follow from a purchase is disappointment, a dashing of expectations.  If we base our happiness solely on material gain, the outcome often wears off quite quickly. There lies one of the roots of addiction too.

In a positive thinking list I read recently, it stated. “Life is meant to be easy, beautiful and overflowing with moments of joy and bliss.”  The latter sentiment I’ll agree with, but certainly not with the former.  Life is hard at times, that’s normal. A problem highlighted by head teachers is that too many children are being over protected by well-meaning parents. One day, life will be hard for them and if the child is ill prepared, it’s going to come as a shock and difficult to manage. Over protection isn’t a good idea and nor is always rewarding difficulties. I’ve known adults unable to manage day to day living, due to expecting rewards when difficulties arise.

This is the list I have mentioned. Some helpful, some not so. Make up your own mind.

*http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elyse-gorman/15-damaging-myths-about-l_b_6324636.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

A true sense of achievement comes when a task or experience has been hard and challenging. Otherwise how do we learn? 

I prefer the word ‘contentment’ to ‘happy’. It’s a deeper experience. Happiness isn’t a constant state, it can’t possibly be. A minute, hour or day, but rarely longer. So often we can miss those moments too, not realising how special they were at the time.

"I just want to be happy". That statement must be one of the most commonly heard by therapists and doctors. Anti-depressants can be known by a most unfortunate and incorrect label, 'happy pills'. 'Happy pills'? Not working in many cases, are they?

Problems can arise if when we are presented with difficulties and either,

a) believe that the past can be changed, which is impossible. People remain unhappy, while continuing to chase an impossible fantasy.

b) believe that someone else or something else will make us happy. When this doesn't happen, we don’t look at ourselves for a solution, but blame others.

For simple moments of happiness, I like counting blessings and enjoying simple pleasures, especially the ones provided by nature. I also think that happiness is so often a bittersweet experience. As a woman once said to me, "It's like childbirth. A great deal of happiness, but a whole lot of pain too.”

I wish you a well-balanced 2015.

*NB:
While this column had been written around Christmas time, I heard AL Kennedy talking about the subject, more eloquently on Radio 4 in the New Year.

*http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-30655616?ns_mchannel=social&ns_campaign=bbc_news&ns_source=google_plus&ns_linkname=news_central

©AlisonRRussell2015

Challenging childhood beliefs - a gift to you for 2015.

This is the December Wellbeing column from the York Press. It was published before Christmas, so for today, the last day of 2014, I am change the word 'Christmas' in the first paragraph to 'New Year 2015.'

I'm greatly encouraged by York Press asking me to write more columns for them in 2015.

I'm also starting to write a new book on Monday January 5th for a summer publication date.

Neither of those last two sentences could have been written, if I still held on to beliefs from my childhood.


http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11667407.Take_time_to_challenge_your_childhood_beliefs/

I would like to give you a gift this New Year 2015. Just for you.

Sometimes in practice, I would ask the client the following question, “ When you were a child, did you believe in Father Christmas?” Usually, the answer was, “ Yes.”

Then I would ask if they still believe in Father Christmas? Of course, the answer was, “No.”

The discussion would move on to fairies, a man in the moon, how babies are born and the variety of stories we were once told, but don’t believe in anymore. Though I would sometimes add, that of course fairies do exist!  I have a lost sock fairy, biscuit fairy, car keys fairy and a remote control fairy. You may have your own too.

When we were young children, we generally believed what our ‘olders and betters’, told us. Sometimes there were good and fun reasons to be told something, such as Father Christmas.

Sometimes we were told things that weren’t fun. Scary and frightening things. These could include personal comments.

However, when we grow up, the evidence we see, hear and read can change our minds. If we are emotionally healthy, we leave behind the childhood beliefs, if they aren’t helpful to us. We take on new beliefs – we grow up emotionally. Children who were evacuated in the war, had labels with their names on. Emotionally immature adults can still be wearing labels given to them as children. Is that you? It’s time to tear up those labels.

This is my gift. If you still hold some negative beliefs from childhood, leading to some unhelpful adult choices, here’s a tool to challenge them. 

Ask yourself these questions. 

1. Did you ever believe in the tooth fairy? 
2. If so, who told you it existed? 
3. Do you believe in the tooth fairy now? 
4. How old were you when you learned the truth about the tooth fairy? 
5. What evidence made you change your mind? 

Now change some words: remove ‘the tooth fairy’ from the above sentences and replace them with your own limiting beliefs. Some examples…you were… unloved, unwanted, friendless, hopeless, stupid, a failure, no good, useless or any other negative descriptions attributed to you? (Basically, words or deeds that you believed, and left you with a feeling that you were not good enough in some way.) 

Some further questions, if you still have those negative beliefs.

6. Did that person really know you? 

7. What was the context? Look at the whole picture. Look at the other people in the picture.

8. Do you think the comments/stories/labels are still relevant today? 

 9. If you do, why? What is the evidence? Facts, not imagined.

10. Could you put away those childhood memories of negativity and recall times when there is evidence to show that these statements are now inaccurate? 

11. If not, why not?  This New Year, treat yourself. Throw away the old, stale beliefs and open up some new helpful ones in my gift. 

I wish you a Hopeful and Positive New Year.

©AlisonRRussell2014

Taking control when plans fail

This is the column that I wrote for the York Press in November.

So far this week, I have one friend who went into hospital unexpectedly, one friend's flight was diverted due to bad weather, my daughter is poorly and there's problematic snowfall in a resort that a niece is visiting. The news isn't providing much joy either. 

I read this quote from Eisenhower today, " In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensible."

I wish you all well for the next week, plans, no plans and serendipity.


http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11606794.Body__Mind___Soul__Getting_that_control_back_when_people___s_plans_fail/

John Lennon wrote, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” 

Are you making plans for Christmas and perhaps 2015?

I wonder how many plans work out exactly how we thought they would? We have expectations. When these expectations are dashed, sometimes smashed into smithereens, it’s how we manage and take control of our reactions, that will help us and others affected by our behaviour. These emotional reactions range from mild disappointment, irritation, frustration, anger to life-changing, perhaps catatrosphic consequenses. 

The sooner we can come to terms with changed plans, the easier it will be. At first we may lose control, but then we can gain control. Blaming others instantly removes any self-control we may have. Continuing to blame others over a period of years can cause great unhappiness.

We all know people who appear unable to manage deviation to their plans. They are more likely to say, “such and such has ruined my day, event, life…” I suggest that we can all say that something has “changed our our lives.” because it will have done. But ruined? Only if we allow it. Changed plans can often bring new opportunities.

Another statement often heard is, “I knew that would happen.” That’s an interesting one, because it signifies that we have been mentally rehearsing a negative outcome.  A pessimist may say, ‘if I imagine the worst, then it’s a pleasant surprise when it works out okay.” My mother was one such person. As an optimist, I would tell her that I’d enjoyed imagining the best, whether it worked out or not.

I’m writing this in a quiet moment while running an information stand at a large conference.  I have a bird’s eye view of what happens when people’s plans go awry. It doesn’t always bring the best out of people. Similar behaviours can be observed at railway stations, airports and in shops. As the emotional arousal level rises in the brain, so there is a corresponding lessening of logical thinking. In situations of high emotional arousal, there is little or no access to the logical brain. We can’t think straight. Hence the term, being ‘unbalanced’. It’s why IQ (Intellengence quotient) is different from EQ (Emotional Intelligence).

Using positive visualisation of a forthcoming event can be useful, but never foolproof. I imagined postive outcomes to some major, joyful, future events last year. A sudden, major illness in the family led to a cancellation of all plans and major uncertainity on a daily basis. As well as managing the family situation, I had to manage my personal shattered dreams. It was a difficult time. I could so easily say that the family illness ruined everything, but I didn’t. Changed my plans and expectations? Certainly. Ruin them? That was in my control, so no, it didn’t.

The Greek Philosopher, Epictetus, was writing about the subject two thousand years ago.

“It not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” 

©AlisonRRussell2014

Full blown or sub-threshold Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

One of my former colleagues, Joy Griffiths, was on ITV Good Morning today. She shared the sofa with a couple of therapists who had helped a woman with severe symptoms of PTSD, which they were able to eliminate very quickly. I wanted Joy to be able to say so much more than she could in the allowed time.

I am not going to reinvent the wheel when Chapter 11 in the book says all I want to say. I will 'cut and paste' the beginning here. Two points first.

1. I would like to mention PTSD Resolution. Free help for former armed service personnel, reservists and their families. http://www.ptsdresolution.org  If you know anyone from these categories who needs help, please get in touch with this wonderful charitable organisation. 

2. The therapists mentioned that the woman who they helped, wanted help and was ready to do what was necessary. This is a most important point. You cannot make people accept help. They will be more receptive when they are ready. Sometimes, they have to go a long way down, before they are ready the climb back up. Sometimes there is too much to give up getting better eg: attention and money. It may sound strange, but it's true. There's more about Secondary Gain in Chapter 17.

.................................
From 'Are you Chasing Rainbows?'
Chapter 11 "I'm frightened."

Fear

It is my belief that this chapter informs all the other chapters. Fear is what is at the root of ‘chasing rainbows’ behaviour.
I believe that some adults experience a sense of fear of ‘not being good enough’ in certain areas of their life. The root of the fear lies in childhood, when they were first able to feel that they were not good enough in some way. It may result from something actual or something perceived; there was a level of trauma associated with the experience or experiences, and the brain still has the ability to switch on the fear alarm.
“I’m frightened” is a perfectly normal and healthy reaction to a situation where we feel under threat. We experience a feeling of fear: it could come suddenly or creep up more slowly. Our bodies may show psychological changes, including breathing increasingly rapidly, a heart rate increase and a feeling of nausea. Our bodies are responding normally and telling us to take action using one of the most primitive resources we have: the flight, flight or freeze response.

Post-traumatic stress disorder
Many people have heard of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – it is mostly spoken of and written about in relation to the armed forces, but it can affect anyone, and few will know the diagnostic criteria. PTSD is the development of characteristic and persistent symptoms, along with difficulty functioning, after exposure to a life or integrity-threatening experience, or an event that either involves a threat to life, integrity or serious injury. In some cases the symptoms of PTSD disappear with time, as the brain processes or files the memories in another part of the brain, whereas in other cases they persist for many years. Why this happens has a great deal to do with the person getting other needs met healthily.
The following is an accepted description of PTSD. The symptoms can arise suddenly, gradually or come and go over time. Sometimes symptoms appear seemingly out of the blue; at other times, they are triggered by something that reminds the person of the original traumatic event, such as a noise, image, certain words or a smell. While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms. These are required for the diagnosis of PTSD, and may be divided into clusters of symptoms: they should be present for at least one month.
1. Re-experiencing the traumatic event:

• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event.
  
• Flashbacks – acting or feeling like the event is
  happening again.
  
• Nightmares – either of the event, or of other frightening
  things.
  
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the
  trauma.
  
• Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event
  – for example, a pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating.
  

2. Avoidance and emotional numbing:

• Avoiding activities, places, thoughts or feelings that remind the person of the trauma.
  
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma.
  
• Loss of interest in activities and life in general.
  
• Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb.
  
• Sense of a limited future – for example, not expecting
  to live a normal life span, get married, have a career. 3. Increased arousal:
  

• Difficulty falling or staying asleep.
  
• Irritability or outbursts of anger.
  
• Difficulty concentrating.
  
• Hypervigilance – feeling on constant ’red alert’.
  
• Feeling jumpy and easily startled.
  Other common symptoms of PTSD are:
  

• anger and irritability
  
• guilt, shame or self-blame
  
• substance abuse
  
• depression and hopelessness
  
• suicidal thoughts and feelings
  
• feeling alienated and alone
  
• feelings of mistrust and betrayal
  
• headaches, stomach problems, chest pain
  PTSD is a major psychological illness. It causes a great deal of distress to the person experiencing it and their family – especially if it has not been diagnosed, which often happens with personnel from the armed forces and the emergency services.
  The list of symptoms and behaviour make interesting reading. While full-blown PTSD is dramatic and obvious, what about a milder form of the symptoms, something that could be called ‘low-level PTSD’, ‘sub-threshold PTSD’ or ‘frozen trauma’? It appeared to me that over the years of helping and supporting people, I was observing people who showed various degrees of reactions to trauma. It could be 100% PTSD developed from exposure to a very frightening or threatening event, or similar symptoms arising from a lower level of exposure to something that the person found frightening. It may have been real or perceived. Following this train of thought, I wondered if some of the behaviour that I was observing was in fact that of a traumatised child. If obvious symptoms of PTSD can go unrecognised in adults, then how much more difficult would it be to recognise a frightened mini-me taking over an adult’s brain?

Extreme fear is the common emotion
If PTSD can go unrecognised and undiagnosed, then what about one of the symptoms – panic attacks? They can be misdiagnosed as a symptom of physical ill-health rather than emotional imbalance. A GP, Suzanne, came to see me with recognisable symptoms of PTSD, but she was undergoing investigations for a heart problem. This is not uncommon. I mentioned to Suzanne that I was aware of many people with misdiagnosed and unrecognised panic attacks, and why weren’t doctors able to diagnose them? She told me that if patients were told their symptoms were panic attacks, then there might be a possibility of missing a heart problem.
If you have ever experienced PTSD or known someone that does, the diagnostic criteria listed above may be familiar to you. However, look at the criteria again and think about a behaviour that you may have. Maybe a phobia? Maybe an overreaction to something or somebody? Perhaps an avoidance behaviour of some sort? You are unlikely to be experiencing full-blown PTSD, but what about a ‘low-level trauma’, a ‘sub-threshold trauma’ or ‘frozen trauma’? 

©AlisonRRussell2014

Small changes can make big differences.

This is the October Wellbeing Column from the York Press.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11546781.Body__Mind___Soul__Small_changes_can_make_big_differences/

The clocks are going back an hour, the leaves are falling and we are wearing warmer clothing. A time of change.

There is a well known song written by Pete Seegar from the 1950/60s called, ‘Turn, Turn, Turn’.  What is not so well known is that it’s almost word for word from the Bible. Ecclesiastes 3 v 1-8.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

The words help us to understand that change is a given and all around us. We can all become frustrated when shops change their layouts, but most of us are able to get used to it fairly quickly. The brain adapts. It’s the same in our own homes, cars and workplaces. Change happens and we adapt. 

If we don’t change, we won’t grow. Emotionally, if we remain responding to life as a child in an adult’s body, we will be unhappy and make others unhappy too.

I was giving a talk on change and used our shoe size as an illustration. I suggested that it would be odd, if as an adult, we had one foot wearing an shoe in an adult size, but the other foot was still wearing a child’s shoe. A man in the audience had a ‘light bulb’ moment. “Oh, my goodness, I’ve been emotionally limping through my life.”  Someone else pointed out that there’s expression, ‘Act your age, not your shoe size!’

Change can be exciting, but often we’re held back by fear of change and the fear of the unknown. We’re comfortable in what we know, our routine and our surroundings, even if truthfully there is discomfort, even danger, in remaining as we are, where we are.

Some changes are huge, but there is a good deal of truth in, ‘small changes can make big differences.’ Can you start today?

Turn, turn, turn.

©AlisonRRussell2014

Time to reassess our views of past summers?

This is the *extended September Wellbeing column in the York Press.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11537137.Is_it_time_to_reassess_our_views_of_past_summers_/

As the summer draws to a close, I wonder what your memories of Summer 2014 will be?

The past few months will have provided a spectrum of memories for everyone. From wonderful to horrible. The memories that have the strongest emotional connection will stay the most vivid over the years. Our recall is personal and in the context of our individual lives. This can lead to disagreements about an event, which often occurs in families.

*It also explains why returning to a place of childhood delight, as an adult isn't the same. Holidays, films and visits to old haunts are particularly susceptible to disappointment, as expectations are thwarted.  I recall seeing a TV programme with a woman who had bought her old childhood holiday home, but couldn't understand why it didn't feel the same and was disappointed. 

“That dreadful summer of 2012," I heard someone say last week. But was it really? I was a Games Maker at London 2012. Leading up to the Games, the summer had been a very wet one. There had been so much rainfall, that those of us working at the rowing lake at Eton Dorney, were issued with instructions about what wellington boots to purchase. A visit to the site only a week before the Games commenced, is a memory of hundreds of people working in thick mud.

But what happened? The sun came out and stayed out. The Olympics and the majority of the Paralympics were held in glorious, hot, sunny weather. That’s what the summer of 2012 will always mean to me.

The Met Office has just published some statistics for August 2014. They may surprise you. Apparently, it’s been the wettest August since 2004 and coldest since 1993.  Though the beginning of August was glorious and if you had a holiday or attended an outside event then, your memories of August 2014 may well be different.

The cliched ‘sunny summers of our childhood’ did not really exist. The freedom of school holidays with a lack of adult responsibility and stresses, influence our memories and they can become distorted. 

It wasn’t the sun, but the rain that made me decide that, “I’m never going to Scarborough again!”
I was a teenager on a school holiday in Yorkshire and we visited Scarborough. It was wet and half-day closing, so everything was shut. I thought it was the most miserable place I’d ever visited and vowed I would never return. 

I didn’t. For thirty years. My loss. It’s now my home.

Reflection

It wasn’t only Scarborough about which I made youthful judgements. I was never going to eat tomatoes or wear a skirt that covered my knees. We believe that our intentions will last for ever.
Then we grow up and our thinking matures and we realise that our opinions may be a little restricted. 

Except that often our thinking remains stuck and we can carry opinions and thoughts that are well past their sell-by date. These often concern people. 

Is it time to re-examine long-held opinions? Perhaps they weren’t ours at all, but someone else's? Is it time to re-assess?

There is one teenage decision I made that I’ve kept to. I dislike tea intensely. It’s disgusting and I’m never going to drink it!
©AlisonRRussell2014

Feeling sad...can we choose to change our emotions?

I feel sad today. I felt sad yesterday. I have cried.

But I should be happy. 

One year ago today, my husband's life was saved by a wonderful surgeon, Mr Gatt, and his team, at Scarborough Hospital, North Yorkshire. He felt unwell on Sunday, September 29th. Nothing to worry about, just a bug. He's rarely unwell. Matters became worse and by the evening he was in A&E. 

At 8.30am on Monday, September 30th he underwent four hours of emergency, life-changing surgery and very nearly lost his life. Days followed in Intensive Care, High Dependency, on a general ward and then eventually he came home.

A year later and A is well, so there's lots to be happy about, isn't there?

Yes there is and we regularly count our blessings. Each day still seems a bonus. We also try not to get niggled by small stuff, but that's not always easy. Why the sadness and tears then?

Because I am recalling those hours and days of a year ago, minute by minute. The shock, the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys', the feelings of despair, the uncertainty, the 'howling to the moon' at 2am, the obliteration of major plans in October, the kindness of strangers and amazing support of friends and family. Mainly though, the shock. Having some understanding on how the brain works, I was able to process what my mind and body were experiencing and found it interesting in a weird way. I knew it would pass.

Two emotions surprised me. In fact, they overwhelmed me. I think it's those emotions that I'm recalling. I received many kind offers of help and people who wanted to stay with me. I had to say no. I needed, not wanted, needed to be alone after a day at the hospital. This where text and social media were superb resources. I text a daily bulletin to family, friends and colleagues. I knew they had a need to know and it saved me having to speak on the phone for hours and repeat everything.  I was exhausted, but despite being  alone in the house, I knew that I wasn't alone in the crisis.

The second emotion, which was visceral, occurred when A came home.  I felt extraordinarily protective for a few weeks. I wanted to shut the world out and protect him. 

I didn't have a choice how I felt a year ago. I was in shock and not in control of my emotions for a time, except, though, I managed to be in control when I visited the hospital.  But I'm not in shock today, so why the sadness and tears?

Last week, there was a superb drama on BBC TV called, 'Marvellous'. A true story and worth watching. 
http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2014/09/bbc2-s-marvellous-lives-its-name Perhaps the football theme may put you off? It's about so much more than football, it's about the human spirit.  A grown man, with a less complex view on the world said that he had decided to be happy in life. Is that possible? Many people will say that it is not. I believe that happiness comes in moments, rather than a constant state of mind. The striving to be happy can be a state of Chasing Rainbows. But I knew what he meant. I prefer the word 'content'. It's more achievable. 

I cannot help the strong reactions that I have experienced on the anniversary of last year's events. But I can control my response to them. (I am not talking about PTSD, which is a severe form of past memories hijacking a person's mind and body.) Many people loathe being told they have a choice about how they can respond to events. 

I have two main choices. I can choose to keep my mind on the events of last year, turning them over in my head, picking at the seeping emotional wounds and wallowing in the memories or I can chose to change what my mind is focusing on. There is a strange comfort in the wallowing in the familiar, however painful it is and it's tempting to remain in that state. There may be a case for allowing oneself to indulge to some self absorption, if it can provide some helpful personal insight.  I have also been thinking of people in my life who have died and adding those memories to the sadness soup.

My second choice is to accept the strong reactions, even discuss them or write about them, but then change what I'm doing to change my thinking processes and mood. DIY Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

Music is the fastest mood changer in my life. I play music on the radio or music player every day and can raise or lower my mood by what I listen to. Physical stature can change a mood too.

At a workshop in Australia many years ago, I gave a simple illustration. Someone came out of the audience to walk across the stage with me. We walked slowly, slouched over, talking about how happy we were and trying to be upbeat in our conversation. We then changed to walking upright, with purpose and talked about how miserable and unhappy we were. Try it. Visual demonstrations can be powerful and that one became unforgettable for many people.

When A was recovering, he was told by staff that there were two main things that would help towards a successful recovery. 1. Family support, which fortunately was a given. 2. Attitude.

As A has always veered away from anything medical, I had a great concern about the second. But I needn't have worried. This is a man who decided many years ago that he didn't want to be remembered as a grumpy grandfather, so he makes a special effort when we see the grandchildren. His choice.

So A thought about two possible role models. One was his father, who had been a healthy man until 55 years old. He slowly became a paraplegic and then through some of the treatment treatment became blind. His attitude was to get on with it, the best way he could. Another relative with a chronic illness had chosen a less helpful way of managing. 

He chose his father. His choice.

©AlisonRRussell2014