Sunday, 30 September 2018

Write now, before it’s too late.

This is the *extended column, first published on Tuesday, September 11th 2018.

Last week I heard some sad news. As it has been reported widely, you may be aware of the news too. A BBC Radio 5 Live presenter and newsreader, Rachael Bland, has died. 40 years old, married and with a 3 year old son, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in November 2016. Rachael has been writing a blog and contributing to a ground-breaking and award winning BBC podcast, ‘You, Me and the Big C’.

I first encountered Rachael on late night radio. In 2008/9 I was regularly travelling between London and York, keeping an eye on my father who was unwell. I needed the radio to help lull me into sleep. At the time, Richard Bacon was a presenter on BBC 5 Live and Rachael was the newsreader. The partnership developed and a silly segment was introduced from 12.30am to 1am. Listeners took part and I became a regular contributor. This programme carried me through difficult and distressing times and the listeners became known to one another through social networking. Richard proved mercurial, but was kept in order by Rachael. Such was the ‘specialness’of these thirty minutes of radio, that members of the community were invited to a recording of the programme at Richard’s home and also to the recording of the last ever broadcast by the team, at the BBC Theatre. All in the early hours. It was fun, surreal at times and special.

Everyone’s lives have moved on and through Facebook, the community saw Rachael marry and have a child. Then cancer arrived.

I have no idea what this diverse group of people meant to Richard and Rachael. I thought that I must write to her to say thank-you for her radio contribution. She wouldn’t have known what it had meant to me. In the same way, in 2010, I wrote a thank-you to a friend’s mother who had been wonderful to me, a rebellious teenager with an unhappy home life. She replied, saying it was one of the nicest letters she had ever received and that she had no idea what she had meant to me.

Is there anyone you would like to say thank-you? Don’t leave it another week. Do it now…before it’s too late.

*I wasn't going to extend this article. All that needed writing was written. Except that I was invited to Rachael's Thanksgiving Service, held after a private funeral.  As we used to say on the radio programme mentioned, 'it was an honour and a privilege' to have been asked. It was a very beautiful, but heartbreaking service with two to three hundred people in attendance. Three other people who had taken part in the programme nine years ago sat with me, as a tribute to the part Rachael's talents had played in our very different lives. Her husband, Steve, has said, "at the time when Rachael's body was at it's weakest, her mind was at its strongest." The last few months of Rachael's life have left a priceless legacy. If you haven't listened to the podcast series, even if you don't have a particular interest in cancer and death, try to listen. The final two podcasts are extraordinary radio, due to the honesty and humour of Rachael, Deborah and Lauren. Thank you girls. This is my thank-you letter to you, with love.


Saturday, 1 September 2018

I really really need it. Do you? Or do you just want it?

This is the *extended article, first published The Press York, on Tuesday, August 14th, 2018.

A marketing e-mail popped into the in-box. The subject read, ‘The Hot List - the five must-haves to add to basket now.’ Really? ‘Must-haves’? Must I? I opened the email to see what I couldn’t do without - NOW. ‘A trophy jacket you need now.’ The word ‘trophy’ was a new one on me for describing clothes, but aspiring to be a winner, I must have the trophy jacket now. The ‘anything-but-ordinary’ bra. Yes, I must have that, as I don’t want to feel ordinary wearing a piece of clothing most people won’t see. ‘The loveliest kid’s dress.’ Obviously another ‘must-have’. My granddaughter must be the loveliest in any company. ‘A genius washbag’. Pretty material, pretty functional, pretty much like other cleverly designed washbags. But I ‘must-have’ the one that hints at being clever for purchasing it.

I don’t need these items, but I must have these things, otherwise I’ll won’t feel good enough. I’ll click on the order form now and buy them with my credit card. Easy. They will arrive and I may or may not use them. Strangely I won’t feel any better than I did before I read the email. I may even feel worse.

*The fear of being thought, 'not good enough' is a driving force behind the majority of unhelpful and emotionally driven behaviours. These in turn can become mental health problems. A mental health problem often shows in symptoms of sub-threshold Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), where the emotionally driven behaviour is the result of a traumatic reaction to something based in childhood. It's not just feeling 'not good enough' in the present day, it's about carrying those feelings for years, decades, perhaps even a lifetime. I have read hundreds of articles, case studies and life stories. In over 90% of them, the person reports childhood feelings of 'not being good enough', often blaming other people. These feelings can lead to unhelpful behaviours or more helpfully, the driving force behind success. I have a brilliant friend in their seventies, who has been mentally unwell for two years. Through their life, no project, whether domestic or professional was good enough, with mental exhaustion as a result. Their behaviour is emotionally driven by a fear of their father's anger at 'not being good enough', as a child. It's sad. They are not alone. On the other hand, a child growing up with feelings of 'not being good enough', can, as they mature into adulthood, develop a 'I'll show them' attitude and achieve success. 

One of the first credit cards on the market decades ago, came with the slogan, ‘Takes the waiting out of wanting.’ It fulfilled that statement and with thousands of other credit cards available, the nation is now sinking under a sea of debt. We spend our time buying things we don’t need, with money we haven’t got. Short-term gain, long-term pain.

The wail from children can be heard every day in shops. ‘I need it, I really, really need it.’ Adults can be heard saying it too. Adults who may seek help wondering, “I don’t know what’s the matter with me, I’ve got everything I want.” They may have, but they don’t have everything they need.  What are those needs? The giving and receiving love and attention - healthily. A meaning and purpose. Being stretched and feeling a sense of achievement. Being part of a community. A feeling of security. A sense of control. Time for privacy and reflection - though not too much.

* Returning to the feelings of 'not being good enough'. If, for any reason, a child at some point in their upbringing, felt that they were 'not good enough' to get a need met, as mentioned above, their ability to manage those feelings in adulthood can result in emotional immaturity. Sometimes, it can be a perception and not the truth, but the result can be the same. Hence, some adults behaving like children. Also why some adults are 'Chasing Rainbows', in their often exhausting, damaging and pointless search to have those childhood needs met in adulthood. That was then, this is now. The past can never be changed, but the present can.

Needs are for now, wants can wait. So can the ‘must-haves’.


Tuesday, 31 July 2018

Life changes and needing someone to talk to.

This is the *extended article first published in The York Press on Tuesday, July 7th 2018.

The recent Press headline shocked and saddened me. ‘York’s Spurriergate Centre has suddenly closed.’ Memories of February 1994 returned.

*The Spurriergate Centre offered a variety of community-based services including a child-friendly restaurant, separate cafe, shop and counselling. While it was based in an old church and had a Christian ethos, the welcome was for everyone. 

I had moved to York from Buckinghamshire in January 1994 and remarried. I knew nowhere and no-one, other than my new husband, who had unexpectedly relocated in the previous October. My daughter had married and moved to Belfast and my son was studying in Kent. I left twenty years of friendships and an excellent job with Waitrose, a supermarket which didn’t arrive in York for another sixteen years. Due to its absence, my working life changed beyond my imagination. 

*If Waitrose or John Lewis had been in York in 1994, I would have transferred without any difficulty. I may have dropped to part-time, but it would have been most unlikely that I would have left the Partnership. With their generous working conditions, I may still have been there or collecting a useful pension. Another retailing establishment would probably have employed me, but working for an ordinary company rather than a Partnership Company, would not have been easy, which is why I chose to do something completely different.  I knew enough about myself to know that I didn't want office work, but enjoyed an ever-changing environment with a variety of people. What about hotel work?

I allowed myself two weeks to settle in before looking for work. Deciding to find an agency for reception work, I looked in Yellow Pages. Turning to Agencies. the top box advertisement was for York Nannies and Nurses. Bingo! As a trained nursery nurse I begun a busy life caring for children all over the city and environs.

* I hadn't given a thought to returning to childcare. I worked short-term in private homes over a fifty-mile radius, ran university creches and ended up doing elderly visiting too. Late one Friday morning in June 1996, the phone rang. It was the Agency asking if I was interested in an unusual job that afternoon. It would have been so easy to tell them I wasn't interested, but I didn't.

This culminated in life-changing work at The Retreat Psychiatric Hospital, helping a mother with a new baby. Six years later I qualified as a psychotherapist and opened a practice in York. But I digress.

In the first few months of 1994, my husband was at work and I had little interaction with other adults. My greatest concern was that in a personal  emergency, who could I talk to in York? Who would listen? One day, walking around the city, I found The Spurriergate Centre. Entering, I had a coffee, a delicious piece of cake and sat at a table with a stranger. The jigsaw of my new life was now complete. I felt at ease, as I had met people who would have time to listen if I needed them. I also went to the library and found out about groups I could join and in time made new friends.

* There wasn't enough room to write this in the original article, but one of my major concerns was what would happen if the marriage didn't work out. I could ring friends, but it wasn't the same as having them around the corner. The months went by and all seemed well, but I remained concerned that I could be stranded away from everyone I knew if anything happened. I can still recall the extraordinary relief when we made it to our 1st anniversary. Now our Silver Anniversary is around the corner and despite rocky times due to work, health and family problems, we're still going strong.

The internet makes such a life change easier these days, but one to one personal contact is important. Hence the new ‘Chat and Natter' initiative in some Costa cafes, for people on their own who need to connect with another person.

A recent letter in The Press from the Trustees, says that some of the services at Spurriergate are still available. That is good news.


Saturday, 30 June 2018

Living in the moment or for the moment?

This is the *extended article first published in The Press York on Tuesday, May 22nd 2018 

Those readers who use Facebook, will know that about once a week, they will post a memory reminder. It will be text or a photo from some years before. Always a surprise, the reminders can induce a variety of emotions. Quite often I have forgotten the event I was writing about or am shocked at the passing of time since making the posting.

This week, the memory reminder was from 2011. “I stepped out of the back door, still wearing pyjamas, fed the birds, looked at the flowers and trees and breathed in fresh air. Then realised I had spent over half my life in flats. I hope I never take my home and life for granted. Carpe Diem!”

Seven years have passed and I still count my blessings every day.  *Well, I try to. The best self-inflicted 'kick up the backside' is to remember some very dear friends who haven't been as fortunate as I have been, to make it this far in life. 

There have been many changes in circumstances during that time, happy, sad, concerning and exciting ones. Very little has been planned.

* In situations when we think nothing will change, we need to remind oneself that change is a constant and that much that has happened in the previous week, month, year was not planned. I've quoted John Lennon before, but it's worth repeating, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

The terms, ‘living for the moment’ and ‘living in the moment’ have different meanings and different outcomes. Finding happiness and contentment is more elusive in ‘living for the moment’. 

Expectations can be unrealistic, outcomes disappointing and happiness missed in passing moments. Many of the clients I helped, were ‘living for the moment’. The moment when there would be resolution for a past event in their lives, often an event in childhood when they were left with a feeling of ‘not being good enough.’ That moment had either never happened or didn’t provide the resolution if it had done so. It couldn’t do. The people, places and context have changed.

* If resolution is about revenge, the result is not always was was wanted or expected. Short-term gain can lead to long-term pain.

A man was explaining his frustration at continually failing to find resolution to a feeling from childhood. I said, “Well, you won’t, because it’s a hopeless task, like chasing rainbows. The pot of gold is only an illusion and you are becoming deluded chasing it.” “You’re right,’ he said.  "It feels like I’m running backwards and forwards to a well, trying to fill a bucket with water, that can’t ever be filled.” This is why my book is called, “Are you Chasing Rainbows?’, rather than ‘Are you Filling Buckets.’

That morning in 2011 I was ‘living in the moment’ and without trying, was also experiencing Mindfulness. Those moments haven’t stopped and are precious. They cost nothing. Simple pleasures.


Wednesday, 30 May 2018


This is the column, first published in the York Press on Tuesday, April 24th, 2018.

I have just returned from a short holiday in Wales and met up with one of my friends from college days. We’ve only been able to meet a handful of times over the past decades, but in her company, we’re eighteen again and anything can be shared.  No pretence, no judgement, just true friendship. When I read problem pages and people write that they don't have any friends, I feel a sadness. I'm not sure what I would do without my friends, some of whom I have known since primary school. As the decades pass, I can identify with the truth in the saying that friends come into your life for, ‘a Season, Reason or Lifetime’. Sometimes that lifetime is too short.

Thinking about friendship brings to mind the word, ‘sharing’. Reflecting on the time spent with friends, it’s been about sharing the present times and past times with all the challenges, difficulties and fun times too.  Together we’ve laughed and cried and had some extraordinary experiences, as well as mundane. I hope I have been able to support my friends, as they have supported me. 

The days of spending time talking on a landline are dwindling and email and social media are taking over. Some say that friends on social media are not true friends, just superficial. I disagree. My Facebook friendship groups span six decades. When my husband was seriously ill in hospital, the Facebook community provided genuine support. I didn’t feel alone. I do understand that it’s not for everyone and that, sadly, as with all means of communication, the internet can be abused. 

On my own in middle-age, I was thankful for keeping in touch with friends, even the once a year Christmas cards. One friend was a man, who I had known as a teenager and also on his own. Unexpectedly, a mature friendship grew and at our Blessing service two years later, the poem’ Friendship’ by the 17th Century Quaker, William Penn, was read. This is part of it.

“a true friend discloses freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously and continues a friend unchangeably.”  

Time passes quickly. If you haven’t been in touch with a friend recently, get in touch soon. 


Monday, 30 April 2018

Changing attitudes - would you be a friend to yourself?

This is the article that was published in the York Press on Tuesday, March 27th, 2019. It was not published online.

In the recent bad weather, we arrived at our favourite cafe for Saturday breakfast. The flood barriers had become stuck over the entrance and the staff couldn’t remove them. My husband helped and finally the job was done. I set out the tables and chairs, while the staff turned on the coffee machine and ovens. The fire was lit and soon we were able to eat a delicious breakfast.  All hands on deck, helping one another, during a time of exceptional weather. Community pulling together for the greater good, demonstrated all over the county, in the challenging weather conditions.

The following week we met with the usual early morning crowd. People were understanding about the previous week, except for one person who moaned and complained about the cafe opening late. They couldn’t have their breakfast exactly when they wanted it. Afterwards, it occurred to me that if their attitude had been different, they could have helped too.

Taking the opportunity arising from a cancelled meeting, I went to the cinema to see ‘The Darkest Hour’, with a mesmerising performance by Gary Oldham as Churchill. The venue is undergoing renovation and after the film I started to descend three flights of stairs with another woman. I commented on the improvement of lighting and other decor. Unfortunately she didn’t have anything good to say and moaned all the way down to the foyer, where a light-hearted comment from me about the weather outside, was met with further negativity. I felt quite drained and thought that I wouldn’t like to spend too much time in the woman’s company.

The subject of loneliness is mentioned regularly in the media. Circumstances can be difficult for many people, but there are those who do not help themselves by only complaining and speaking negatively. Sadly, this further alienates them, as friends, family and neighbours find being in their company draining and difficult, so visits become less often and shorter. A vicious circle is set up and generally, blame is apportioned elsewhere.  

A question we should all ask ourselves is, “would I want to visit me and spend time in my company?” If not, can we change our attitude? The answer is “Yes!” and then enjoy a more helpful outcome. 

* A man told me that he didn't have any friends. It was difficult for him to tell me why he thought this might be. I suggested he imagined that he was taking me into his local pub and as we walked in, we noticed him sitting at the bar. I suggested we go up and say hello. He immediately said strongly, "No"! I asked why we shouldn't say hello. His rely was immediate. "I pinch all my friends' girlfriends.". We were then able to have a discussion.

*It's called The Observing Self or as I prefer, our personal CCTV. Not always comfortable to view, but helpful if we look and learn.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Maya Angelou


Saturday, 10 March 2018

Something extra - ground breaking BBC podcast on cancer and mental health.

Nine years ago I met a young woman called Rachael Hodges. She was working on a late night radio programme on BBC 5Live with Richard Bacon. At a challenging time in my life, which meant difficulty in sleeping, I became a regular listener to late night radio, especially the Richard Bacon Show. Rachael was the sidekick, keeping him in order and helping provide huge entertainment, especially for a small band of dedicated listeners at 12.30am. I'm asleep at that time these days.

Life moves on and there have been many changes for everyone. Rachael still sometimes works on late night radio, though at the moment she can be found on Drive Time at 17.00pm with Tony Livesey. Since 2009, Rachael has moved with BBC5Live to Salford, married Steve Bland, had a child called Freddie and developed a particularly complex type of breast cancer.

Since her diagnosis and using her journalistic and broadcast skills, Rachael has been writing an award winning Blog, 'Little Me, Big C'. After connecting with other bloggers with cancer, three of them have created some podcasts for Radio 5Live called, 'You, Me, Big C'. The podcasts were launched this week. They were motivated by finding that there was little out there for women in the 30s/40s with a cancer diagnosis.

I have listened to 'About the head' podcast today. In my opinion it is the most open, honest and helpful conversation that has been made by people experiencing cancer. No psychobabble, just raw honesty. I haven't been diagnosed with cancer, but have learnt a lot listening to three amazing women. Personally, I believe it to be groundbreaking and post it on here to help others, which is the whole purpose of this blog.