Sunday, 30 September 2018

Write now, before it’s too late.

This is the *extended column, first published on Tuesday, September 11th 2018.

https://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/16695695.column-say-thank-you-before-its-too-late/

Last week I heard some sad news. As it has been reported widely, you may be aware of the news too. A BBC Radio 5 Live presenter and newsreader, Rachael Bland, has died. 40 years old, married and with a 3 year old son, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in November 2016. Rachael has been writing a blog and contributing to a ground-breaking and award winning BBC podcast, ‘You, Me and the Big C’.

I first encountered Rachael on late night radio. In 2008/9 I was regularly travelling between London and York, keeping an eye on my father who was unwell. I needed the radio to help lull me into sleep. At the time, Richard Bacon was a presenter on BBC 5 Live and Rachael was the newsreader. The partnership developed and a silly segment was introduced from 12.30am to 1am. Listeners took part and I became a regular contributor. This programme carried me through difficult and distressing times and the listeners became known to one another through social networking. Richard proved mercurial, but was kept in order by Rachael. Such was the ‘specialness’of these thirty minutes of radio, that members of the community were invited to a recording of the programme at Richard’s home and also to the recording of the last ever broadcast by the team, at the BBC Theatre. All in the early hours. It was fun, surreal at times and special.

Everyone’s lives have moved on and through Facebook, the community saw Rachael marry and have a child. Then cancer arrived.

I have no idea what this diverse group of people meant to Richard and Rachael. I thought that I must write to her to say thank-you for her radio contribution. She wouldn’t have known what it had meant to me. In the same way, in 2010, I wrote a thank-you to a friend’s mother who had been wonderful to me, a rebellious teenager with an unhappy home life. She replied, saying it was one of the nicest letters she had ever received and that she had no idea what she had meant to me.

Is there anyone you would like to say thank-you? Don’t leave it another week. Do it now…before it’s too late.

*I wasn't going to extend this article. All that needed writing was written. Except that I was invited to Rachael's Thanksgiving Service, held after a private funeral.  As we used to say on the radio programme mentioned, 'it was an honour and a privilege' to have been asked. It was a very beautiful, but heartbreaking service with two to three hundred people in attendance. Three other people who had taken part in the programme nine years ago sat with me, as a tribute to the part Rachael's talents had played in our very different lives. Her husband, Steve, has said, "at the time when Rachael's body was at it's weakest, her mind was at its strongest." The last few months of Rachael's life have left a priceless legacy. If you haven't listened to the podcast series, even if you don't have a particular interest in cancer and death, try to listen. The final two podcasts are extraordinary radio, due to the honesty and humour of Rachael, Deborah and Lauren. Thank you girls. This is my thank-you letter to you, with love.

©AlisonLeaman2018

Saturday, 1 September 2018

I really really need it. Do you? Or do you just want it?

This is the *extended article, first published The Press York, on Tuesday, August 14th, 2018.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/16409102.column-do-you-know-your-wants-from-your-needs/


A marketing e-mail popped into the in-box. The subject read, ‘The Hot List - the five must-haves to add to basket now.’ Really? ‘Must-haves’? Must I? I opened the email to see what I couldn’t do without - NOW. ‘A trophy jacket you need now.’ The word ‘trophy’ was a new one on me for describing clothes, but aspiring to be a winner, I must have the trophy jacket now. The ‘anything-but-ordinary’ bra. Yes, I must have that, as I don’t want to feel ordinary wearing a piece of clothing most people won’t see. ‘The loveliest kid’s dress.’ Obviously another ‘must-have’. My granddaughter must be the loveliest in any company. ‘A genius washbag’. Pretty material, pretty functional, pretty much like other cleverly designed washbags. But I ‘must-have’ the one that hints at being clever for purchasing it.

I don’t need these items, but I must have these things, otherwise I’ll won’t feel good enough. I’ll click on the order form now and buy them with my credit card. Easy. They will arrive and I may or may not use them. Strangely I won’t feel any better than I did before I read the email. I may even feel worse.

*The fear of being thought, 'not good enough' is a driving force behind the majority of unhelpful and emotionally driven behaviours. These in turn can become mental health problems. A mental health problem often shows in symptoms of sub-threshold Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), where the emotionally driven behaviour is the result of a traumatic reaction to something based in childhood. It's not just feeling 'not good enough' in the present day, it's about carrying those feelings for years, decades, perhaps even a lifetime. I have read hundreds of articles, case studies and life stories. In over 90% of them, the person reports childhood feelings of 'not being good enough', often blaming other people. These feelings can lead to unhelpful behaviours or more helpfully, the driving force behind success. I have a brilliant friend in their seventies, who has been mentally unwell for two years. Through their life, no project, whether domestic or professional was good enough, with mental exhaustion as a result. Their behaviour is emotionally driven by a fear of their father's anger at 'not being good enough', as a child. It's sad. They are not alone. On the other hand, a child growing up with feelings of 'not being good enough', can, as they mature into adulthood, develop a 'I'll show them' attitude and achieve success. 

One of the first credit cards on the market decades ago, came with the slogan, ‘Takes the waiting out of wanting.’ It fulfilled that statement and with thousands of other credit cards available, the nation is now sinking under a sea of debt. We spend our time buying things we don’t need, with money we haven’t got. Short-term gain, long-term pain.

The wail from children can be heard every day in shops. ‘I need it, I really, really need it.’ Adults can be heard saying it too. Adults who may seek help wondering, “I don’t know what’s the matter with me, I’ve got everything I want.” They may have, but they don’t have everything they need.  What are those needs? The giving and receiving love and attention - healthily. A meaning and purpose. Being stretched and feeling a sense of achievement. Being part of a community. A feeling of security. A sense of control. Time for privacy and reflection - though not too much.

* Returning to the feelings of 'not being good enough'. If, for any reason, a child at some point in their upbringing, felt that they were 'not good enough' to get a need met, as mentioned above, their ability to manage those feelings in adulthood can result in emotional immaturity. Sometimes, it can be a perception and not the truth, but the result can be the same. Hence, some adults behaving like children. Also why some adults are 'Chasing Rainbows', in their often exhausting, damaging and pointless search to have those childhood needs met in adulthood. That was then, this is now. The past can never be changed, but the present can.

Needs are for now, wants can wait. So can the ‘must-haves’.

©AlisonRRussell2018