Thursday, 16 May 2013

Where it all began...

In 2006, I was asked to advertise the practice in a local magazine. I wrote the following, which was printed on a blue sky background with a rainbow. I then had some advertising postcards printed.

It acted as my prompt to write more fully on the subject. I don't know whether the publisher will allow it in the book. I hope so, as it's where it started.

Imagine a rainbow. It could be a memory of a real experience or a figment of the imagination.

We become lost in wonder at the rainbow’s form and the spectrum of rich colours in a changing sky.

We are momentarily entranced and we marvel at the rainbow’s natural beauty and its transient nature.

Our eyes wander to where the end of it disappears... The image fades.

That was a moment of innocent wonder and curiosity. For a few precious seconds the intrusion of our everyday activities was excluded.

No harm was done. In fact we may even feel uplifted.
Now, let us imagine another rainbow...

Again, we become entranced by it, but this time we concentrate on where the rainbow ends.

We remember the stories and myths we heard as children. Is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

A pot of gold that would provide a resolution to all our problems? We want it and we want it now!

Leaving common sense and reason behind, we chase the end of the rainbow. Again and again.

We keep trying, but the end is just out of reach and always unobtainable.

We feel disappointed, frustrated and weary. Will we ever reach it?
The pot of gold of resolution is the delusion in the illusion. 

But we continue to reach for and chase the end of the rainbow,
In fact the more we try, the more we can become deluded. 

We can become emotionally and physically unwell.


Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Loves me, Loves me not.

I have been writing a chapter on our need to give and receive love in healthy ways. It's a subject that is relevant for any time in history, but perhaps at the moment, in 2013, there is a need to highlight the problems arising from the giving and receiving of 'love' in unhealthy ways. 

Some reasons why people behave in this way are for another day.

I belong to an organisation called Soroptimist International. It is a voluntary, service organisation for women. It helps and supports women and children worldwide.

The Yorkshire Region have been running an Anti-Grooming initiative for a few years. As part of the project, they created a bookmark with these lists on either side. The Co-operative Society sponsored the initiative and in the last two years, thousands have been given out to mainly young women in schools and colleges.

I have been known to leave the bookmarks in all sorts of places, where I know a woman could pick it up and may use it themselves or pass it on.

                   Loves me                                                    Loves me NOT

  • Makes me feel safe                                                                           Is jealous
  • Makes me feel comfortable                                                           Is possessive
  • Listens to me                                                                           Tries to control me
  • Values my opinions                                                      Get violent, loses temper quickly
  • Supports what I want to do in life                                           Always blames me
  • Is truthful with me                                                                Is sexually demanding
  • Admits to being wrong                                             Keeps me from seeing friends & family
  • Respects me                                                                         Makes all the decisions
  • Likes that I have other friends                                      Embarrasses me in front of others
  • Makes me laugh                                                                             Hits me
  • Trusts me.                                                                                 Makes me cry
  • Treats me as an equal                                                  Is always ‘checking up’ on me   
  • Respects my family                                                  Takes my money and other things
  • Accepts me as I am                                                  Teases, bullies and puts me down.
  • Understands my need for time alone               Threatens to leave me if I don’t do what I’m told.  

I would add that the person whose behaviour follows the ‘Loves me’ list, displays emotionally mature and secure behaviour.
The list for ‘Loves me Not’ shows emotional immaturity and insecurity.

The list is was created as part of anti-grooming initiative for women and girls.

As a therapist and observer of human behaviour, I feel that most of the behaviours listed could be used in all sorts of relationships, not just those between male and female or used by men against women.


If you think you or someone you know is experiencing some of these 'Loves me not' behaviours from someone, please pass this on to them, if it's safe to do so. They probably need help. They certainly need support.

If you know someone who uses such behaviours or recognise them in yourself, help should also be sought.