When life events makes you stop and think.

On Tuesday, June 21st 2016, this column was published in the York Press. I did not write it with the Referendum or the European Cup in my mind at all. But it was perhaps prescient.

In the circumstances, I have added to it.*

 http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14569462.Body__Mind_and_Soul__When_life_makes_you_reassess_future_plans/

It had been a good week. I was feeling fit and healthy as I walked to my volunteer work in the hospital. Before going on the ward I visited the cafe. Then I had a blackout and became a patient, rather than a helper. A week later, I went to the GP to report symptoms of post concussion. We agreed that recovery would be 50% psychological. So it has proved.

There are some life events that make you stop and have to reassess future plans. Sometimes we have a warning of them and have some control over our reactions. At other times they are sudden and we have little control. In many situations there will be sense of loss as we adjust to new circumstances and we will grieve for the past. It can be a loss anything, such as, a person, job, relationship, home, freedom, appearance, money, abilities. Our emotional brain needs to work through the process of grief.

* Are there stages or processes of grief? There is much debate and some controversy over the suggestion. These are the suggested stages: shock, denial, anger, blame, acceptance. Some people dislike the fact that the brain processes shock and grief in a natural way over a period of time. They feel as if it negates their own experience. A period of healing and each person will have their own personal timeline. They feel that their own experience is different and not a process or anything else that sounds manufactured.  From my personal and professional experience, I believe the framework is a good one to work with. Ill health can arise from any of the stages and certainly people can get 'stuck' in one stage before moving to the next, if they ever do. Time can heal, but only if you allow it to. If you think that is wrong, reflect on your own experiences and of those you have come into contact with.

In only the three days since the result of the Referendum, I can observe people who have moved on past the initial shock and denial and now working through anger and blame. 

Returning to the column

What have I learnt?

Treat yourself kindly:  A physical injury often means that we are forced to stop for a while and give the injury time to heal. An emotional injury also takes time to recover from, but we can rush the healing time.

Time to think: When the certainties of life are thrown up in the air, the brain can feel as if it’s in a spin-dryer. We need time for the brain confusion to settle down and to think logically over future choices, perhaps sharing our thoughts with someone else.

Share your feelings and fears: Any sort of illness can set the imagination going.  However strong a person we are, it is healthier to share our feelings and fears, rather than dwell on possibilities on our own. Even health professionals need to share and cry.

Replacement activities: If the loss means we have to stop doing something, then we need to find something else to replace it. We need to concentrate on what we do have and can do, not on what we don’t have and can’t do.

Accept change. This is challenging and takes time.

Count blessings and live day by day. There is much to be thankful for on a daily basis. 

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.” Hippocrates

©AlisonRRussell2016

Like plants, we will thrive if our needs are met.

This is the *extended Wellbeing column published in the York Press on Tuesday May 24th, 2016.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14530262.Body__Mind_and_Soul__Solution_focused_problem_solving/

The sun is shining at last and the garden beckons. Like all gardeners, I have been looking at the flower beds and pots to observe what has survived over the past few months. Also attempting to get to the weeds and slugs before they take over.

It really doesn’t matter what the weather conditions have been, some plants will have thrived and others will have not. The same species of plant will have done better in one part of the garden than in another.

I loved furnishing the practice rooms in York, which naturally included plants. I bought two identical cuttings from a plant I had at home. One pot I put in the front, sunny room and the other pot I placed in another room, near a large window, but in the shade all day.

Over the years the plants grew. The plant in the front room flourished. It grew tall and bushy with glossy leaves. The other plant had stunted growth and wrinkled leaves. Both plants were looked after with the same care, but their environments were different. One plant thrived and the other did not. I took photos of them and used the pictures to illustrate presentations on how a human being will thrive if their needs are met in healthy ways. 

In therapy sessions, I used a Needs Audit with the clients. For some people, basic needs should be addressed. Those of food, shelter, clothing, warmth and money. Then there are  the emotional needs of security, a sense of control, social interaction, friendship, sense of community, meaning and purpose and being stretched. Are they being met? Healthily or unhealthily?

A change of circumstances should lead to a reassessment. For example, retirement,  a chronic health condition, relocation, empty nest and unemployment. As well as checking on unmet needs, the audit can also show where someone’s needs are being met, but in unhealthy or unhelpful ways. For instance, in addictive behaviours.

I was pleased to see that the organisation Victim Support has changed its focus in the twenty years since I last worked with them. There is a form to fill in on visits, about the person’s needs and if they are being met. Solution-focused problem solving. 

I like it.
©AlisonRRussell2016

As a reminder of the emotional needs: 

• Love – loving and being loved
• Attention – giving and receiving attention
• Personal value – feeling good enough
• Privacy – having one’s own space
• Safety – feeling secure
• Control – feeling a sense of control
• Achievement – succeeding while being stretched
• Friends – for fun and friendship
• Social group – being part of one 

As a therapist I observed that the majority of clients had felt 'not good enough' at some time in their younger life. I adapted the adult audit I was given in training. 

How well were your innate emotional needs met as a young person? 

Nature has programmed all of us with physical and emotional needs. These are the ‘human givens’ that cannot be avoided. How stressed we are now, can sometimes depend on how well we felt our needs were being met as a young person. This can be real or perceived.  Rate, in your judgement, how well the following emotional needs were met in your younger life, on a scale of one to seven (where 1 means not met at all, and 7 means being very well met).

Did you feel secure in all major areas of your life                    0........................................................................7

(such as your home, school, environment)? 

Did you feel you received enough attention?                           0.........................................................................7

Did you think you gave other people enough attention?        0..........................................................................7

Did you feel in control of your life most of the time?            0..........................................................................7

Did you feel part of the wider community?                            0..........................................................................7

Were you able to obtain privacy when you needed to?       0..............................................................................7

Did you have an intimate relationship in your life?           0...............................................................................7

(one where you are totally physically and emotionally 

accepted for who you are by at least one person, this 

could be a close friend)? 

Did you feel an emotional connection to others?                0..............................................................................7 

Did you feel you have status that was acknowledged?       0..............................................................................7

Did you complete tasks and show a skill or gift in at least 

one area of your life?                                                          0..............................................................................7

Were you mentally and/or physically stretched in ways 

which gave you a sense of meaning and purpose?              0..............................................................................7

If your scores are mostly low, you are more likely to be suffering stress symptoms. 

If any need is scored 3 or less this is likely to be a major stressor for you. 

Even if only one need is marked very low it can be enough of a problem to seriously effect your mental and emotional stability. 

Stress, anxiety, anger, depression and addiction are the result of our innate needs not being met, either due to environmental factors, harmful conditioning or a misuse of imagination (worrying). 

People do not have mental health problems when their innate needs are being met in balanced, healthy ways. By highlighting areas in your life where your essential needs aren’t being met as 

well as they could be, you can use this questionnaire to help you think constructively about how your life could be improved. 
*(Adapted from training material www.hgi.org.uk)

*Did you ever have feelings of ‘not being good enough‘ as a young person?                            Yes/No

If yes, how old were you? .............

What particular area of your life? ......................................................

Do those feelings affect your life now? Yes or No

If so, how?..........................................................................................

Perhaps your adult age is sometimes hijacked by the emotional brain of a younger person? If it is and the resulting behaviour is ultimately unhelpful, then you can change it.

A client once left the practice and on the doorstep on to the street said, "I came in here like a boy and now I'm going out like a man." I was thankful no-one was passing who might have misunderstood!

©AlisonRRussell2016