Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Loves me, Loves me not.

I have been writing a chapter on our need to give and receive love in healthy ways. It's a subject that is relevant for any time in history, but perhaps at the moment, in 2013, there is a need to highlight the problems arising from the giving and receiving of 'love' in unhealthy ways. 

Some reasons why people behave in this way are for another day.

I belong to an organisation called Soroptimist International. It is a voluntary, service organisation for women. It helps and supports women and children worldwide.

The Yorkshire Region have been running an Anti-Grooming initiative for a few years. As part of the project, they created a bookmark with these lists on either side. The Co-operative Society sponsored the initiative and in the last two years, thousands have been given out to mainly young women in schools and colleges. 


I have been known to leave the bookmarks in all sorts of places, where I know a woman could pick it up and may use it themselves or pass it on.

                   Loves me                                                    Loves me NOT

  • Makes me feel safe                                                                           Is jealous
  • Makes me feel comfortable                                                           Is possessive
  • Listens to me                                                                           Tries to control me
  • Values my opinions                                                      Get violent, loses temper quickly
  • Supports what I want to do in life                                           Always blames me
  • Is truthful with me                                                                Is sexually demanding
  • Admits to being wrong                                             Keeps me from seeing friends & family
  • Respects me                                                                         Makes all the decisions
  • Likes that I have other friends                                      Embarrasses me in front of others
  • Makes me laugh                                                                             Hits me
  • Trusts me.                                                                                 Makes me cry
  • Treats me as an equal                                                  Is always ‘checking up’ on me   
  • Respects my family                                                  Takes my money and other things
  • Accepts me as I am                                                  Teases, bullies and puts me down.
  • Understands my need for time alone               Threatens to leave me if I don’t do what I’m told.  

I would add that the person whose behaviour follows the ‘Loves me’ list, displays emotionally mature and secure behaviour.
The list for ‘Loves me Not’ shows emotional immaturity and insecurity.

The list is was created as part of anti-grooming initiative for women and girls.

As a therapist and observer of human behaviour, I feel that most of the behaviours listed could be used in all sorts of relationships, not just those between male and female or used by men against women.


If you think you or someone you know is experiencing some of these 'Loves me not' behaviours from someone, please pass this on to them, if it's safe to do so. They probably need help. They certainly need support.

If you know someone who uses such behaviours or recognise them in yourself, help should also be sought.


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