http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/16409102.column-do-you-know-your-wants-from-your-needs/
A marketing e-mail popped into the in-box. The subject read, ‘The Hot List - the five must-haves to add to basket now.’ Really? ‘Must-haves’? Must I? I opened the email to see what I couldn’t do without - NOW. ‘A trophy jacket you need now.’ The word ‘trophy’ was a new one on me for describing clothes, but aspiring to be a winner, I must have the trophy jacket now. The ‘anything-but-ordinary’ bra. Yes, I must have that, as I don’t want to feel ordinary wearing a piece of clothing most people won’t see. ‘The loveliest kid’s dress.’ Obviously another ‘must-have’. My granddaughter must be the loveliest in any company. ‘A genius washbag’. Pretty material, pretty functional, pretty much like other cleverly designed washbags. But I ‘must-have’ the one that hints at being clever for purchasing it.
I don’t need these items, but I must have these things, otherwise I’ll won’t feel good enough. I’ll click on the order form now and buy them with my credit card. Easy. They will arrive and I may or may not use them. Strangely I won’t feel any better than I did before I read the email. I may even feel worse.
*The fear of being thought, 'not good enough' is a driving force behind the majority of unhelpful and emotionally driven behaviours. These in turn can become mental health problems. A mental health problem often shows in symptoms of sub-threshold Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), where the emotionally driven behaviour is the result of a traumatic reaction to something based in childhood. It's not just feeling 'not good enough' in the present day, it's about carrying those feelings for years, decades, perhaps even a lifetime. I have read hundreds of articles, case studies and life stories. In over 90% of them, the person reports childhood feelings of 'not being good enough', often blaming other people. These feelings can lead to unhelpful behaviours or more helpfully, the driving force behind success. I have a brilliant friend in their seventies, who has been mentally unwell for two years. Through their life, no project, whether domestic or professional was good enough, with mental exhaustion as a result. Their behaviour is emotionally driven by a fear of their father's anger at 'not being good enough', as a child. It's sad. They are not alone. On the other hand, a child growing up with feelings of 'not being good enough', can, as they mature into adulthood, develop a 'I'll show them' attitude and achieve success.
*The fear of being thought, 'not good enough' is a driving force behind the majority of unhelpful and emotionally driven behaviours. These in turn can become mental health problems. A mental health problem often shows in symptoms of sub-threshold Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), where the emotionally driven behaviour is the result of a traumatic reaction to something based in childhood. It's not just feeling 'not good enough' in the present day, it's about carrying those feelings for years, decades, perhaps even a lifetime. I have read hundreds of articles, case studies and life stories. In over 90% of them, the person reports childhood feelings of 'not being good enough', often blaming other people. These feelings can lead to unhelpful behaviours or more helpfully, the driving force behind success. I have a brilliant friend in their seventies, who has been mentally unwell for two years. Through their life, no project, whether domestic or professional was good enough, with mental exhaustion as a result. Their behaviour is emotionally driven by a fear of their father's anger at 'not being good enough', as a child. It's sad. They are not alone. On the other hand, a child growing up with feelings of 'not being good enough', can, as they mature into adulthood, develop a 'I'll show them' attitude and achieve success.
One of the first credit cards on the market decades ago, came with the slogan, ‘Takes the waiting out of wanting.’ It fulfilled that statement and with thousands of other credit cards available, the nation is now sinking under a sea of debt. We spend our time buying things we don’t need, with money we haven’t got. Short-term gain, long-term pain.
The wail from children can be heard every day in shops. ‘I need it, I really, really need it.’ Adults can be heard saying it too. Adults who may seek help wondering, “I don’t know what’s the matter with me, I’ve got everything I want.” They may have, but they don’t have everything they need. What are those needs? The giving and receiving love and attention - healthily. A meaning and purpose. Being stretched and feeling a sense of achievement. Being part of a community. A feeling of security. A sense of control. Time for privacy and reflection - though not too much.
* Returning to the feelings of 'not being good enough'. If, for any reason, a child at some point in their upbringing, felt that they were 'not good enough' to get a need met, as mentioned above, their ability to manage those feelings in adulthood can result in emotional immaturity. Sometimes, it can be a perception and not the truth, but the result can be the same. Hence, some adults behaving like children. Also why some adults are 'Chasing Rainbows', in their often exhausting, damaging and pointless search to have those childhood needs met in adulthood. That was then, this is now. The past can never be changed, but the present can.
* Returning to the feelings of 'not being good enough'. If, for any reason, a child at some point in their upbringing, felt that they were 'not good enough' to get a need met, as mentioned above, their ability to manage those feelings in adulthood can result in emotional immaturity. Sometimes, it can be a perception and not the truth, but the result can be the same. Hence, some adults behaving like children. Also why some adults are 'Chasing Rainbows', in their often exhausting, damaging and pointless search to have those childhood needs met in adulthood. That was then, this is now. The past can never be changed, but the present can.
Needs are for now, wants can wait. So can the ‘must-haves’.
©AlisonRRussell2018
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