Change, loss and grieving.

This is the extended* article first published in the The York Press on Tuesday, February 5th 2019

https://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/17402444.column-adjusting-to-change-can-be-like-grief/

There is no subject on which everyone agrees 100%. It can be eye-opening that such diverse views are held on any subject. 

* Sometime I am astonished at the 360 degree views that can be held on anything. Everyday, politics, the Arts and ordinary news stories provide such a diversity of opinions. Any letters page in a newspaper or feedback on online forums and social media can reveal strongly held opposing views on any topic. While it's easy to understand some differing views, others can leave me open mouthed.  Another classic situation is family dynamics, when one family member will recall an incident in a very different way from another member. Many disagreements can follow and some for life.

Perhaps we should be more understanding of another person’s point of view, as we don’t know where their beliefs are rooted.  These were my thoughts when I read the vitriol directed towards Andy Murray.*

After a tearful Andy Murray was interviewed about his hip injury and future in tennis, there was a spectrum of opinions. I’m not a particular fan of the sportsman, but do understand the emotional challenge when we have to make life changes at times not of our choosing. It’s tough and takes time to adjust. 

Life events affecting ourselves or family, mean we have to make serious decisions, often leading to any future plans we may have, being thrown in the air, When we have some control over the timing of such decisions, it will present a challenge, but we have some control. When events mean that we’re forced to make unplanned decisions, it can be difficult, as we have lost control. Last week, I was talking with a friend whose life has been turned upside down due to her husband’s ill health. She is struggling to adapt.

In Michelle Obama’s inspiring autobiography, ‘Becoming’, she talks of the adjustment that she had to make, when her lawyer boyfriend wanted to go into politics. It wasn’t what she wanted and initially life in the fortress White House and her loss of control was challenging and she had to adapt. The former BBC Radio 2 presenter, Simon Mayo, is also coming to terms with life events, which were not of his choosing. Periods of adjustment can be experienced in stages. Shock, denial, anger, blame and acceptance. If these stages are familiar, they are the suggested stages of grief. Grief is about loss and can be felt about anything, a person, pet, work, ageing, freedom. I believe we often underestimate that in some situations, our emotional turmoil is due to grieving at loss. 

*Since the article was published, Simon Mayo has announced a new radio progamme on a new radio station. Publicity reveals that Simon has indeed gone through the stages mentioned above.* 

Disappointment and hurt can often lead to new opportunities, as long as our eyes and ears are open. 

* I return to my favourite saying from Helen Keller, " When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so often at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."*

Keeping positive to maintain good mental health

This is the extended* column that was printed in the York Press on Monday, June 1st, 2015. Due to staffing reductions at the York Press, there is not a link to the the column...yet.


At the end of April we drove to the village of Muker, high up in the Yorkshire Dales. This is a favourite time of year, with ‘spring bustin’ out all over’, as the song says. We revelled in the scenery as we drove across from the coast. 

In Muker we enjoyed a delicious pub lunch, purchased a woollen jersey and rambled gently through the fields and over a beck. At one point we leant on a field gate, taking in the magnificent view of the hills and fields with new-born lambs. 

Breathing in the fresh air, we counted our blessings. We reflected on our decision to have no regrets about the health problems which nowadays restrict our walking activities, having explored the breathtaking Yorkshire landscape when we were more able. 

I said, “we must concentrate on what we can do, not what we can’t” I recalled being told about a local man, who, through illness couldn’t sail his single-handed boat anymore. He had been unable to come to terms with this change in his life and was only dwelling on what he couldn’t do anymore. As a result, he was sinking into depression.

Thirty minutes after leaning on the gate, we returned to the car. I twisted my back, pulled a muscle and was in acute pain. The previous time this had happened I’d been travelling on planes and trains and had to keep moving. This time, I was initially grateful for remaining still in a car driving home, but sitting for two hours was the worse thing I could have done.

Arriving home I could barely move and was in agony. Adrian said later, that it hadn’t been a good day. I remonstrated strongly. Until 3.30pm, the day had been perfect and that’s what we should remember. My back injury couldn’t change those idyllic moments or the memories of them.

Dosed up with painkillers and moving slowly, I despaired. It was Bank Holiday and I couldn’t see the chiropractor for several days. The garden needed attention, I couldn’t watch the Tour de Yorkshire pass locally and had to cancel a trip to London to see friends the following week.

From experience, I knew I had to keep moving, staying still for too long is not an option for bad backs. I remembered what I’d said at the field gate. I had a choice. I could either dwell about everything I couldn’t do and become downhearted or put my mind to what I could manage instead. 

So over the next few days, I did jobs that wouldn’t have been done at all. While I stayed standing, I completed tasks that were at eye level or higher. The wardrobe was de-cluttered, tatty and broken jewellery discarded, bookshelves sorted, kitchen cupboards tidied and cakes were baked. I felt a sense of achievement against the odds and the back slowly improved.

* Three weeks ago I was in London to look after my five-year old granddaughter all week, pre and post school, while the rest of the family were away. I was looking forward to enjoying my home city every day, visiting old favourites and taking in some new ones.

Two days before I went down, I received a text from my son, to tell me that Addie had chicken-pox. She was covered from the top of her head to in-between her toes. Though not unwell, school was out of the question and so was spending much time outside home.

Yet again, I was presented with a life event that meant I had to follow my own advice! 

“You can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude’ Eleanor Roosevelt

Adaptability is underestimated.

This is the *extended Wellbeing column from the York Press, May 
4th, 2015
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/12929817.Body__Mind___Soul__Adaptability_is_underestimated/

Spring is here! Now to choose what to wear. The weather is so changeable that making the right choice can be a problem, especially if travelling. Some springs are warmer, wetter and windier than others, but this year spring has gone from warm to cold and back again several times in a few weeks. Just when we think about wearing less clothing, using lighter bedclothes and turning the heating down, the temperature drops and we go back to needing to feel warm and cosy again. 


It amuses me when we wear clothing in April that we wouldn’t have worn in January, even though the temperature is the same. We adapt, our bodies acclimatise. Just as they do when going abroad or experiencing extremes of temperature in the UK. At first, the body can be overwhelmed, but then we become more used to it. Though possibly still uncomfortable, we are able to tolerate the change more easily than when first experienced.

*Many people say that they wouldn't live 'in the north' because it's colder and my mother was one of them. We love the cooler, less polluted weather up here in Yorkshire and do not find the thought of a possible move south in the years to come, an attractive one. Though we would acclimatise, as we did coming north over twenty years ago. It fascinates me how the spring sunshine brings out the 'T' shirt and shorts wearers, even if the temperature then turns to below 10c and wind is biting, which it has done too many times this year. It would seem that once out of the wardrobe, they are staying out, whatever the conditions. Living in a seaside town, this phenomenon is highlighted. The variety of clothes worn can be a picture. Someone wearing a strappy top, standing next to someone in boots, coat and scarf, even a hat maybe. Looking at pictures from a race meeting can be even more entertaining! I know that living in the north appears to highlight the choice of clothing.

Adaptability is an underrated skill. People express displeasure in change, but necessity can often mean having to adapt quickly. Most human brains are equipped for changing and learning, while we should remember that no success is reached, without failing on the way. Our brains adapt to change all the time. It could be a new phone, TV, computer, workplace, washing machine, car or a different climate. 

*We have spent many holidays doing self-catering in a variety of  locations and accommodation. At first, the kitchen is a voyage of discovery, but we quickly adapt to a very different set of crockery, cutlery and kitchen equipment and it soon becomes 'normal'.

Interestingly, as we adapt, especially using something technical, deep rooted feelings of failure can quickly rise to the surface. We become frustrated, emotional and our logical brain shuts down, which makes decision-making poor and we can panic and become angry.* If it’s something we really don’t have to do, we may stop trying. Forget the unhelpful, ‘practise makes perfect,' but remember, ‘practice does makes better.’ Keep going!

* Supermarkets can be an irritation. People are generally short of time and do not want to spend their time trying to find where something has been moved to. This is one of the reasons for the popularity of the smaller/local shop, which the major chains have discovered. Less choice, quickly done. My husband, Adrian, wrote about the eventual decline of out-of-town large supermarkets in the 1997. Very few wanted to know. Certainly not the companies, developers, councils, planners and anyone else with financial gain in mind. Perhaps if Tescos had taken notice, instead of rubbishing the ideas, they wouldn't have made such a enormous loss recently. 

 http://www.usablebuildings.co.uk/Pages/Unprotected/Logistical1.pdf

Scientists talk of the brain being plastic, as it can be remoulded in different ways. New neural pathways are developed. Like computers, new software can be installed and hardwired. There is plenty of evidence of people who have recovered from major illnesses or brain injuries.

* In practice, I found that using the computer metaphor was helpful for the majority of clients. Obviously, for those that used computers. It proved even more helpful in guided visualisation, when creating new folders and moving old files to the 'trash can'. 

James, a teenage boy, was at home where there was a large, family dog, Casper. James had smoked cannabis and was now convinced that he’d damaged his brain. I couldn’t promise him that he hadn’t, but I could say that the brain can adapt well if old neural pathways are damaged. New pathways are created and repetitive action sets them in place.  He was questioning the validity of what I was saying, when I saw the dog. “Look at Casper," I said, “he was badly injured by a bus and lost a leg, but does that stop him behaving as a dog should do?” Casper was bounding around the room on his three legs, as I spoke. “He has learnt to adapt or rather his brain has.” James smiled, looked at the evidence and believed me. He had given himself a shock, but chose not to take the risk with cannabis again.

©AlisonRRussell2015

Depression - a timely reminder

Depression is a subject that comes to the fore in the media on a regular basis. It has been in the headlines over the past few days for various reasons, including a new book, 'Reasons to stay Alive' by Matt Haig and some sportspeople talking openly about their own depression. 

Primarily though, the subject of depression hit the headlines due to a non-accidental air crash in France and the discovery that the pilot may have had mental health problems. Sadly, the headline writers and some opinion makers have lumped together the word depression and a possible act of cruel lunacy, to the detriment of the thousands of people who have experienced depressive episodes. Statements have been made when the facts are still unknown.

There have been several instances when I've winced at what I've heard or read, particularly when there have been generalisations. The one that made me shout at the radio was, "Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance and a lack of serotonin." This was followed by the implication that a person can't help it and medication is the answer. Serotonin is a chemical which can be found to influence depression, but depression is much more than a chemical imbalance bought on by one chemical. A chemical that can be changed with something as simple as smiling. 

A colleague and friend, who experienced years of depression and Post -Traumatic Stress Disorder after being severely injured in an IRA bomb blast, made this comment. "Depression is nature's way of telling you to do something different." A challenging statement perhaps?  But from my experience of working with people experiencing depressive episodes, not one person has recovered without changing something about their life choices. Choices that may include, thoughts, behaviours, relationships, work, diet, medication, sleep, lifestyle, amongst others.

It can be 'Catch 22', in that to be able to make changes, one has to feel able to make them and when experiencing depression, the ability to want to do anything at all, can disappear. But change can only be brought about by change.

"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." Henry Ford.

Primarily, in helping anyone with any emotional health problem, it is important to look at how the person is getting their fundamental needs met, as well as the basic ones of food, shelter, clothing and money.

• Security.
• Sense of belonging.
• Close relationship.
• Time for privacy.
• Feeling connected to others.
• Having a purpose in life.
• Physical and mental challenges.
• Giving and receiving attention.

Stress, anxiety, anger, depression and addiction can be the result of these needs not being met, for a variety of reasons, including the misuse of imagination (worrying). Problems can also arise when these needs are met, but in unhealthy ways. Most people do not have emotional/mental health problems when their fundamental needs are being met in balanced, healthy ways.

In a previous blog, I wrote about a brush with depressive thinking. Most of my needs were being met, but I was misusing my imagination. I likened changing my choices to 'wading through treacle', but it had to be done to regain my sanity.

Sometimes people find change too hard, because it means a loss of a lifestyle that is supplying needs, but ultimately in unhealthy ways.

My own findings have also been informed by seeing, reading and hearing people whose needs were not met in childhood or perceived that they were not met. Many adults experiencing depression, can often be dragged backwards by thoughts of 'not being good enough'. Thoughts that first arose in childhood.

An Emotional Needs Audit:
http://www.enaproject.org

Free online help:
http://www.thehumanapproach.com

©AlisonRRussell2015

Small changes can make big differences.

This is the October Wellbeing Column from the York Press.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11546781.Body__Mind___Soul__Small_changes_can_make_big_differences/

The clocks are going back an hour, the leaves are falling and we are wearing warmer clothing. A time of change.

There is a well known song written by Pete Seegar from the 1950/60s called, ‘Turn, Turn, Turn’.  What is not so well known is that it’s almost word for word from the Bible. Ecclesiastes 3 v 1-8.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

The words help us to understand that change is a given and all around us. We can all become frustrated when shops change their layouts, but most of us are able to get used to it fairly quickly. The brain adapts. It’s the same in our own homes, cars and workplaces. Change happens and we adapt. 

If we don’t change, we won’t grow. Emotionally, if we remain responding to life as a child in an adult’s body, we will be unhappy and make others unhappy too.

I was giving a talk on change and used our shoe size as an illustration. I suggested that it would be odd, if as an adult, we had one foot wearing an shoe in an adult size, but the other foot was still wearing a child’s shoe. A man in the audience had a ‘light bulb’ moment. “Oh, my goodness, I’ve been emotionally limping through my life.”  Someone else pointed out that there’s expression, ‘Act your age, not your shoe size!’

Change can be exciting, but often we’re held back by fear of change and the fear of the unknown. We’re comfortable in what we know, our routine and our surroundings, even if truthfully there is discomfort, even danger, in remaining as we are, where we are.

Some changes are huge, but there is a good deal of truth in, ‘small changes can make big differences.’ Can you start today?

Turn, turn, turn.

©AlisonRRussell2014