Living in the moment or for the moment?

This is the *extended article first published in The Press York on Tuesday, May 22nd 2018

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/16234934.COLUMN__Live_in_the_moment__not_for_the_moment/ 

Those readers who use Facebook, will know that about once a week, they will post a memory reminder. It will be text or a photo from some years before. Always a surprise, the reminders can induce a variety of emotions. Quite often I have forgotten the event I was writing about or am shocked at the passing of time since making the posting.

This week, the memory reminder was from 2011. “I stepped out of the back door, still wearing pyjamas, fed the birds, looked at the flowers and trees and breathed in fresh air. Then realised I had spent over half my life in flats. I hope I never take my home and life for granted. Carpe Diem!”

Seven years have passed and I still count my blessings every day.  *Well, I try to. The best self-inflicted 'kick up the backside' is to remember some very dear friends who haven't been as fortunate as I have been, to make it this far in life. 

There have been many changes in circumstances during that time, happy, sad, concerning and exciting ones. Very little has been planned.

* In situations when we think nothing will change, we need to remind oneself that change is a constant and that much that has happened in the previous week, month, year was not planned. I've quoted John Lennon before, but it's worth repeating, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

The terms, ‘living for the moment’ and ‘living in the moment’ have different meanings and different outcomes. Finding happiness and contentment is more elusive in ‘living for the moment’. 

Expectations can be unrealistic, outcomes disappointing and happiness missed in passing moments. Many of the clients I helped, were ‘living for the moment’. The moment when there would be resolution for a past event in their lives, often an event in childhood when they were left with a feeling of ‘not being good enough.’ That moment had either never happened or didn’t provide the resolution if it had done so. It couldn’t do. The people, places and context have changed.

* If resolution is about revenge, the result is not always was was wanted or expected. Short-term gain can lead to long-term pain.

A man was explaining his frustration at continually failing to find resolution to a feeling from childhood. I said, “Well, you won’t, because it’s a hopeless task, like chasing rainbows. The pot of gold is only an illusion and you are becoming deluded chasing it.” “You’re right,’ he said.  "It feels like I’m running backwards and forwards to a well, trying to fill a bucket with water, that can’t ever be filled.” This is why my book is called, “Are you Chasing Rainbows?’, rather than ‘Are you Filling Buckets.’

That morning in 2011 I was ‘living in the moment’ and without trying, was also experiencing Mindfulness. Those moments haven’t stopped and are precious. They cost nothing. Simple pleasures.

©AlisonRRussell2018

Taking control when plans fail

This is the column that I wrote for the York Press in November.

So far this week, I have one friend who went into hospital unexpectedly, one friend's flight was diverted due to bad weather, my daughter is poorly and there's problematic snowfall in a resort that a niece is visiting. The news isn't providing much joy either. 

I read this quote from Eisenhower today, " In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensible."

I wish you all well for the next week, plans, no plans and serendipity.


http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11606794.Body__Mind___Soul__Getting_that_control_back_when_people___s_plans_fail/

John Lennon wrote, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” 

Are you making plans for Christmas and perhaps 2015?

I wonder how many plans work out exactly how we thought they would? We have expectations. When these expectations are dashed, sometimes smashed into smithereens, it’s how we manage and take control of our reactions, that will help us and others affected by our behaviour. These emotional reactions range from mild disappointment, irritation, frustration, anger to life-changing, perhaps catatrosphic consequenses. 

The sooner we can come to terms with changed plans, the easier it will be. At first we may lose control, but then we can gain control. Blaming others instantly removes any self-control we may have. Continuing to blame others over a period of years can cause great unhappiness.

We all know people who appear unable to manage deviation to their plans. They are more likely to say, “such and such has ruined my day, event, life…” I suggest that we can all say that something has “changed our our lives.” because it will have done. But ruined? Only if we allow it. Changed plans can often bring new opportunities.

Another statement often heard is, “I knew that would happen.” That’s an interesting one, because it signifies that we have been mentally rehearsing a negative outcome.  A pessimist may say, ‘if I imagine the worst, then it’s a pleasant surprise when it works out okay.” My mother was one such person. As an optimist, I would tell her that I’d enjoyed imagining the best, whether it worked out or not.

I’m writing this in a quiet moment while running an information stand at a large conference.  I have a bird’s eye view of what happens when people’s plans go awry. It doesn’t always bring the best out of people. Similar behaviours can be observed at railway stations, airports and in shops. As the emotional arousal level rises in the brain, so there is a corresponding lessening of logical thinking. In situations of high emotional arousal, there is little or no access to the logical brain. We can’t think straight. Hence the term, being ‘unbalanced’. It’s why IQ (Intellengence quotient) is different from EQ (Emotional Intelligence).

Using positive visualisation of a forthcoming event can be useful, but never foolproof. I imagined postive outcomes to some major, joyful, future events last year. A sudden, major illness in the family led to a cancellation of all plans and major uncertainity on a daily basis. As well as managing the family situation, I had to manage my personal shattered dreams. It was a difficult time. I could so easily say that the family illness ruined everything, but I didn’t. Changed my plans and expectations? Certainly. Ruin them? That was in my control, so no, it didn’t.

The Greek Philosopher, Epictetus, was writing about the subject two thousand years ago.

“It not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” 

©AlisonRRussell2014