Who are you really? Is your childhood label past its sell-by date?

This is the *extended Wellbeing Column, first published in the York Press on Tuesday, February 27th, 2018

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/16044808.COLUMN__Time_to_ditch_the_childhood_tags_that_hold_us_back/

I have been reading and thoroughly enjoying, an autobiography by the actor, Stephen McGann. At present, he can been seen playing the doctor of ‘Call the Midwife’, a BBC TV series written by his wife, Heidi Thomas. The book is titled ‘Flesh and Blood: A history of my family in seven sicknesses.’ *Personally I think it's one of the best non-fiction books I've read (listened to).

Stephen’s life story has been beautifully written and in an unusual style. With a degree in medical science, Stephen has written his life story and that of his family, through the eyes of seven medical diagnosis that affected his family through one hundred and fifty years.  Seven chapters full of medical, family, social and cultural history. As I ‘listen’ to books, I also have the bonus of hearing Stephen McGann voice.

*Fascinating, when through his wife's discovery, he finds a great uncle and ship's fireman, mentioned as a survivor on the Titanic in 1912.
Horrifying, as it becomes clear that he and one of his brothers were part of the crowd at the Hillsborough disaster in 1989.
Movingly poignant, when reading about his wife's illness in 1998, which touched on my own personal experience with my husband.

Why do I think the book is worth mentioning in this column?

Stephen is the youngest of four brothers with a younger sister. The McGann brothers are all well known actors. As he was growing up, Stephen was ‘the sick one’, or ‘the weak one’. A quieter child with respiratory problems which gave him his family identity. Certainly not a child destined for a career on the the stage. But he refused to give in to his medical problems and fought against living up to his place in the family as the sickly one.

As I listened, I was reminded of adult man with anxiety problems, who through childhood, was used to his mother introducing him as. “This is Peter, our anxious one.” Now grown-up, he was reinventing himself and due a suggestion made by Dr Robert Winston on a TV programme, had made a list of all the positive characteristics he knew he truly was and kept it as a reminder in his wallet. 

Oliver, the youngest boy of four children, was experiencing an apparent school phobia and wouldn’t leave his mother at home alone. There was no phobia, but a fear of leaving his mother, who said on a daily basis, “I won’t be able to manage without him.” One reassuring conversation between his mother and the boy changed everything in a day. * I was making home visits to Oliver's mother, when I realised what was happening. I suggested that she spoke to Oliver about how she was looking forward to him going to school and reassuring him that she would be okay. Later that day, he went out in the car with his siblings and father to the shops. Something he wouldn't do before the conversation with his mother.

*I was 'the naughty one', with it's own consequences.  In the majority of cases, I don't agree in blaming our own troublesome actions on other people and thus negating adult personal responsibility. It is used as an excuse when losing control over a situation.  I do think there are reasons behind our problematic actions. Recognise a reason, do not use it as an excuse and then take control. Too many adults with mental health problems are having internal dialogues as the children they were labelled.

Are you still believing an unhelpful identity given to you in childhood? It’s time to stop. If we think like the children we once were, we may well behave as we once did. Is your family label past it's sell-by date?

‘Careful the things you say

Children will listen’

From Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim 

©AlisonRRussell2018

Challenging childhood beliefs - a gift to you for 2015.

This is the December Wellbeing column from the York Press. It was published before Christmas, so for today, the last day of 2014, I am change the word 'Christmas' in the first paragraph to 'New Year 2015.'

I'm greatly encouraged by York Press asking me to write more columns for them in 2015.

I'm also starting to write a new book on Monday January 5th for a summer publication date.

Neither of those last two sentences could have been written, if I still held on to beliefs from my childhood.


http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11667407.Take_time_to_challenge_your_childhood_beliefs/

I would like to give you a gift this New Year 2015. Just for you.

Sometimes in practice, I would ask the client the following question, “ When you were a child, did you believe in Father Christmas?” Usually, the answer was, “ Yes.”

Then I would ask if they still believe in Father Christmas? Of course, the answer was, “No.”

The discussion would move on to fairies, a man in the moon, how babies are born and the variety of stories we were once told, but don’t believe in anymore. Though I would sometimes add, that of course fairies do exist!  I have a lost sock fairy, biscuit fairy, car keys fairy and a remote control fairy. You may have your own too.

When we were young children, we generally believed what our ‘olders and betters’, told us. Sometimes there were good and fun reasons to be told something, such as Father Christmas.

Sometimes we were told things that weren’t fun. Scary and frightening things. These could include personal comments.

However, when we grow up, the evidence we see, hear and read can change our minds. If we are emotionally healthy, we leave behind the childhood beliefs, if they aren’t helpful to us. We take on new beliefs – we grow up emotionally. Children who were evacuated in the war, had labels with their names on. Emotionally immature adults can still be wearing labels given to them as children. Is that you? It’s time to tear up those labels.

This is my gift. If you still hold some negative beliefs from childhood, leading to some unhelpful adult choices, here’s a tool to challenge them. 

Ask yourself these questions. 

1. Did you ever believe in the tooth fairy? 
2. If so, who told you it existed? 
3. Do you believe in the tooth fairy now? 
4. How old were you when you learned the truth about the tooth fairy? 
5. What evidence made you change your mind? 

Now change some words: remove ‘the tooth fairy’ from the above sentences and replace them with your own limiting beliefs. Some examples…you were… unloved, unwanted, friendless, hopeless, stupid, a failure, no good, useless or any other negative descriptions attributed to you? (Basically, words or deeds that you believed, and left you with a feeling that you were not good enough in some way.) 

Some further questions, if you still have those negative beliefs.

6. Did that person really know you? 

7. What was the context? Look at the whole picture. Look at the other people in the picture.

8. Do you think the comments/stories/labels are still relevant today? 

 9. If you do, why? What is the evidence? Facts, not imagined.

10. Could you put away those childhood memories of negativity and recall times when there is evidence to show that these statements are now inaccurate? 

11. If not, why not?  This New Year, treat yourself. Throw away the old, stale beliefs and open up some new helpful ones in my gift. 

I wish you a Hopeful and Positive New Year.

©AlisonRRussell2014