Reflecting on the floods

This is January's Wellbeing Column published in the York Press on Tuesday, January 26th, 2016.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14225102.Body__mind_and_soul__reflecting_on_the_floods/

Since Boxing Day, a month ago, I have observed and reflected on the aftermath from the floods, which affected people so badly in York, Yorkshire and beyond.

Fortunately, this has been done from the comfort of my own home, where we have counted blessings and identified simple pleasures. But this is a home that we only own due to the damaging Yorkshire floods in 2007. Someone else’s misfortune meant they had to withdraw an offer on the house, which we saw by chance the day after the For Sale board had returned. These floods too, will be life-changing and in ways that people cannot imagine. 

The media coverage has led to several discussions on what we would take from the house, if a quick exit was ever necessary. A useful exercise. We recognised that most of the stuff was replaceable and that it would be items with an emotional attachment, which would be upsetting to lose. Practically, we decided that having a file of basic ID, birth certificates, insurance and bank details would probably be the most useful item to take, along with our laptops. We also did some therapeutic de-cluttering on the unending wet, indoor days. 

On Boxing Day 2004, I recall watching the devastating scenes from the Indian Ocean Tsunami. I have two memories from the TV coverage. A British man explained that he and his family had been left with just their lives and a credit card, which was useless. The tragedy had led him to question life’s priorities and his personal value system. He knew he was fortunate to be returning to a comfortable home, unlike the islanders.

An Oxfam charity worker was interviewed some weeks later, when villagers were starting to rebuild their shattered communities. They were using resources given to them by the Aid charities, but the Oxfam representative said that it was vital for their recovery that the villagers did the work themselves, not sit back and allow others to do it. Everyone had a part to play, from the youngest to the oldest. Everyone felt useful and contributed. It is this spirit that is vital in all communities worldwide, large and small. People have to help others and also do it for themselves.

A client once presented me with a framed quote as a gift, as she felt it reflected on the resolution of her personal difficulties.

“Go to the people. Live with them. Learn from them. Love them. Start with what they know. Build with what they have. But with the best leaders, when the work is done, the task accomplished, the people will say, “We have done this ourselves.” 

Lao Tzu

©AlisonRRussell2016

Taking control over the emotion of memories

This is the *extended Wellbeing column, published in the York Press on Tuesday, December 22nd, 2015.

As yet, there is no link to the York Press website. No doubt due to staff on holiday.

This is the last column for 2015 and I have been asked to continue writing a monthly column in 2016, my third year of writing for York Press. So see you next year!

..........................................

“Strange how potent cheap music is.” Noel Coward.  Private Lives.

If music, cheap or otherwise, was not potent, then it wouldn't be used by advertising agencies to sell merchandise. At this time of year, we seem to be assaulted everywhere by Christmas music. Our brains block out most of it, but for many, there are one or two tunes that will ‘hijack’ our emotional brain and makes us stop and reflect on a memory that has come to mind. Perhaps our eyes become moist or we inwardly smile. Then most of us will stop the train of thought that is usually heading back into the past and get on with whatever we are doing in the present.

Personally, Chris Rea brings smiles from a warm memory, while choirs singing carols can bring tears of loss.

At home or in the car, I can listen to music of my own choosing. There is little choice elsewhere and I can be ‘emotionally hijacked’ in seconds.  The first thought cannot be helped, but there is control over the second.  If I wish to be self-indulgent and dwell in self-pity, it’s my choice. On rare occasions I will chose to continue to listen to music that makes me feel miserable, through the memories it evokes. Bittersweet memories.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often offered to people when their thoughts and subsequent behaviours are unhelpful. People can be helped to take control and change their thoughts, internal dialogue and actions. A thought will be triggered by an emotional reaction to something sensory. A smell, sight, taste, feel or touch. I’m writing about music, but it could be anything. Sometimes it’s not an obvious memory and we can often wonder why we’ve reacted in certain ways. 

It’s this brain function that can make Christmas time such an emotional time, with its variety of sensory triggers. Many people don’t like it for that reason. It’s also a time for trying to recapture the past, which is impossible and can cause disappointment with unfulfilled expectations.

If I was granted a wish by the Christmas fairy, it would be to have the family at home, around the table on Christmas Day.  This is logistically not possible, so this year we arranged to have a pre-Christmas gathering in late autumn instead. I looked at the extended family interacting and dwelled on the ‘if onlys' and ‘what ifs’. I was living in the past. It felt sad. Then I changed my internal dialogue. If I focused my mind on the past, I was going to miss what was happening in the present. I had the opportunity to make new memories. It became a cognitive exercise, not dissimilar to Mindfulness. I changed my train of thought and enjoyed the moment. I was making new memories. I felt happier.

*Over the Christmas period, I have been 'emotionally hijacked' on many occasions.  I always had a choice of where I took the train of thoughts and what mood ensued. Sometimes I indulged myself, because a duvet of self-indulgant misery can be strangely comforting at times. But only for the short-term. 

None of us know exactly what tomorrow will bring, let alone a whole year. I wish you all the emotional strength to manage whatever comes your way, bad and good, sad and happy, despair and elation, failure and success, pain and pleasure and all the ordinariness of in between.  

Here's to 2016 with my favourite quote.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller

©AlisonRRussell2015

Following on from previous...new law 29.12.2015

This news item follows on from the previous blog. 

Next Tuesday, January 5th, a new law will be put into effect: "It aims to reduce psychological bullying that includes extreme psychological and emotional abuse, even if it does not amount to physical violence..." 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/new-law-targeting-psychological-bullies-could-see-coercive-controlling-partners-in-jail-for-up-to-5-a6788011.html

There was a good discussion about the new law on Radio 4 PM at 17.00pm. It starts at 48mins. The programme uses dialogue from the fictional, but realistic dialogue in The Archers radio soap opera, that was also previously mentioned.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06sgy7t#play

I am very pleased that psychological abuse is being recognised, but have a concern is that it will be difficult to prove in many cases. Vulnerable, manipulated people could be further manipulated by the legal process. 

As a member of Soroptimist International, I mainly support women and children, but men can also experience psychological abuse from women. Women are by no means saints. Children can experience psychological abuse from either or both parents and even grandparents. Sad. 

Anyone reading this blog for the first time, please read the previous blog for the list of behaviours that identifies both abusive behaviour and loving behaviour.

©AlisonRRussell2015

'Loves me, Loves me not' - The Archers BBC Radio 4.

This is the *extended Wellbeing Column published in York Press on Tuesday, November 24th, 2015. It is printed in the colour orange, as part of the UN 16 Days of Activism for Eliminating Violence Against Women. #orangetheworld 

http://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/ending-violence-against-women/take-action/16-days-of-activism

*Several threads came together for this blog:

1. One thread is the long-running radio soap opera, 'The Archers' on BBC Radio 4.

Soaps like to have a villain. It generates media interest and increased listening figures. Soaps are also good at highlighting problems in their audience's lives, such as addictions, relationship problems, ill health, elderly care and domestic abuse. The latter has rarely been heard on 'The Archers', but over the last two years, a storyline has steadily been building around a character, Helen Archer, who recently married Rob Titchener. This man is using psychological manipulation, emotional abuse and possibly sexual abuse to gradually take control of all aspects of his wife's life. 

I have been a listener for decades, but find this storyline disturbing, as do many other women. Some people have stopped listening until the character is written out. I can listen and realise that it's only actors standing in a studio reading a script, but it's still difficult to hear at times. The scriptwriters and actors are to be congratulated for making it feel so real.

I must also admit to conversations with women who have not recognised what Rob Titchener is doing. I find that concerning.

2. A second thread is that I belong to a voluntary service organisation for women and children, called Soroptimist International (Great Britain & Ireland) www.sigbi.org  Many of the clubs in the UK and worldwide work on projects supporting women who have been abused. In highlighting the projects, it was decided to use the Archer's storyline to increase awareness of the Soroptimists organisation and their work.  'Women inspiring action, transforming lives.' A Facebook page has been set up called: Help the Ambridge One. It features project work being carried out by a variety of Soroptimist International clubs. 

A petition has also been drawn up to send Nicky Morgan MP, about cuts to the services available to abused women. Cuts in services will lead to an increase of domestic abuse. 

https://www.change.org/p/nicky-morgan-mp-prevent-more-women-and-children-being-hurt-by-cuts-to-services-for-domestic-abuse

'The Archers' is fictional, but for thousands of women the abuse is real.

3. The third thread was article in York Press, by Maxine Gordon, which highlighted the work of a local Domestic Abuse charity in York. 

The column

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14035071.Body__mind_and_soul___Loves_me__loves_me_not_/

Last week in Family Matters, Maxine Gordon highlighted Domestic Abuse and the work of IDAS in York. ( http://bit.ly/1iWUU4M )

IDAS is a North Yorkshire Abuse Charity and is supported by several York organisations, including Soroptimist International York Ebor Club. (http://www.siyorkebor.org.uk)

Last weekend I was at the annual conference for Soroptimist International Great Britain and Ireland (www.sigbi.org) in Glasgow. Princess Anne was one of the speakers supporting inspiring Soroptimist projects. Projects being carried out by 80,000 members in 127 countries worldwide, as well as the UK.

Clubs in the Yorkshire Region recognised that, tragically, there are thousands of women and young girls in Yorkshire alone, experiencing abuse in a variety of forms. They founded an Anti-Slavery Group. These days, the term slavery covers trafficking, domestic abuse, grooming, female genital mutilation and slavery. The group created a ‘Loves me, loves me not’ bookmark and cards. Thousands have been given away to women and young adults. 

The ‘loves me, loves me not’ lists were created with straight, adult relationships in mind.  As a psychotherapist I recognised the ‘Loves me not’ behaviours in all types of dysfunctional relationships. Gay, Straight and Transgender. Parent - Child. Child - Parent.  Employer - Employee. Teacher - Student. Friend - Friend. 

Loves me 

• Makes me feel safe
• Makes me feel comfortable. 
• Listens to me
• Values my opinions 
• Supports what I want to do in life 
• Is truthful with me 
• Admits to being wrong 
• Respects me
• Likes that I have other friends 
• Makes me laugh 
• Trusts me
• Treats me as an equal
• Respects my family 
• Understands my need for time alone or with family 
• Accepts me as I am 

Loves me not

• Is jealous 
• Is possessive 
• Tries to control me 
• Gets violent, loses temper quickly 
• Always blames me 
• Is sexually demanding 
• Keeps me from seeing friends and family 
• Makes all the decisions 
• Embarrasses me in front of others 
• Hits me 
• Makes me cry 
• Is always ‘checking up’ on me 
• Takes my money and other things 
• Threatens to leave me if I don’t do what I’m told 
• Teases, bullies and puts me down 

People whose behaviours includes those on the ‘Loves me’ list, show greater emotional maturity than those displaying behaviours on the ‘Loves me not’ list. A number of those behaviours can be seen in children. Hence the expression, “Oh Grow up!”

While most of the focus has been on female victims, there is beginning to be recognition that young boys and adults need educating too, especially with the easier availability of, and exposure to, violent and extreme pornography online. Actress and UN Women Global Goodwill Ambassador, Emma Watson, has recently launched He for She. (HeforShe.org) The York Charity, Jack Raine Foundation also looks at addressing these problems.

If abusers and the abused are the fruits of a problem, perhaps society needs to give greater attention to the roots.

©AlisonRRussell2015

Blame it on the Great British Bake-Off - challenging self doubt.

This is the article that was in the York Press on October 26th, 2015

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13890086.Blame_it_on_the_Great_British_Bake_Off/

Blame it on the Great British Bake-Off!

I don’t usually return to a theme in the previous month’s column, but when writing about emotional wellbeing, Nadija Hussain’s win on Bake-Off and her subsequent comments cannot be ignored.

These were her words after winning. "I’m never gonna put boundaries on myself ever again. I’m never gonna say, I can't do it. I’m never gonna say, maybe. I’m never gonna say, I don’t think I can. I can and I will.”

Last month I wrote that we need to fail before we can succeed. We do as babies and young children and then at some point we allow the voices of self-doubt to hijack us. Can you imagine how many complete baking disasters Nadija must have produced over the years? She failed on the actual programme too, in full view of millions of viewers. She had to pick herself up and start all over again.

Another recent competition winner has been Marlon James, the winner of the Man Booker prize for his challenging novel, ‘A Brief History of Seven Killings.’ His first novel had been turned down by publishers 78 times. The literary world is full of best selling authors who have been rejected numerous times. There are plenty of examples of ‘Famous Rejections’ on the Internet. They make enlightening and encouraging reading.

A relative has recently presented his work to a high profile, worldwide audience. Feedback on Twitter included, “Like the top tips. Always good to celebrate mistakes...!” “Great to see advice coming through errors.” I couldn’t agree more.

The editor of my book, ‘Are you Chasing Rainbows?’ was excellent and the book is better for her work. But, she wanted me to remove references to personal failure. She told the publisher that, “as it was a book on self-development, it shouldn’t have negative stories in it.” I despaired. We develop by learning from failure. The references were not changed.

This lack of acknowledgement of failure and mistakes is something that has crept into wellbeing via an approach called Positive Psychology. It has also led into the ubiquitous use of the word ‘issues’ instead of the word problem, which is believed to be too negative. I trained as a solutioned-focused therapist and as such, the clients and I would find possible solutions for the problem presented. We did not explore issues. A problem is more concrete than an issue. I knew it had gone too far, when somebody on TV said that their vacuum cleaner had issues.

We need to balance encouragement with realism. I’m not sure however many lessons I had, that I could be a concert pianist or speak fluent Chinese. I am suggesting that if we should persevere with something and try and try again, if it is important to us, shutting off unhelpful, negative self- dialogue.

I’ll leave you with Nadija’s last comment again.
“I can and I will.” 

©AlisonRRussell2015

Sexual consent - great teaching film.

I belong to an organisation called Soroptimist International.  http://sigbi.org


The Yorkshire region have an Anti-Slavery Group. They held a Safeguarding Day conference last month. This video was shown. 

A fantastic initative. Spread it far and wide.

UK Police Launch Video Comparing Sexual Consent To Offering Tea, And It’s So Very English

For anyone who’s ever been confused about what sexual consent means, the UK’s Thames Valley Police has just launched a brilliant YouTube campaign explaining it using a quintessentially English tea analogy.

http://pulptastic.com/would-you-like-a-cuppa/

http://metro.co.uk/2015/10/28/this-new-sexual-consent-and-tea-video-from-the-police-is-brilliant-5466392/?ito=facebook

AlisonRRussell2015

Step out of your comfort zone - I did!

This is the Wellbeing Column from the York Press on Monday, September 2015

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13781990.Seize_the_opportunity_to_step_out_off_your_comfort_zone/

Given the choice, I would not have decided to complete the Go Ape tree top course in Dalby Forest last month. The plans were for two grandsons to be supervised by an older friend, but after viewing the video, the friend told me that they didn’t like heights and would not do it. There was no time to find anyone else and not wanting to let the boys down, I said that I would do it. The staff were positive that I could manage the course of six rope ladders, eight wobbly walkways and six zip wires. “ 80 year olds have done it!”, they said. The highest point amongst the trees is one hundred and thirty-four feet. They assured me that I could be rescued at any time.

Going up the first rope ladder, I realised that my weakening wrists attempting to lift a heavy weight was going to be a challenge. It proved to be so and the rope ladders were unexpectedly the most difficult part of the course.

There followed two hours of one of the hardest challenges I’ve faced. Not helped by a nasty fall in the garden the night before, which I kept to myself. It was a long way out of my comfort zone and I did it!  The reward at the end, was an indescribable sense of achievement. Only I knew how hard it had been. There were times when I had wanted to stop and completion became mind over matter. As mission control told the crew of Apollo 13, ‘Failure is not an option.’ While the course had been a test of physical endurance, it was mental endurance that kept me going to the end.  What lessons were learnt?

We all meet challenges through life and our self-dialogue will strongly influence the end result. We take too much notice of negative voices telling us that we can’t do something, are a failure or not good enough.  We need to deafen them with positive voices reminding us of previous challenges, when we had not given up. Memories of driving abroad and getting stranded on a cliff, provided personal motivation. Once, in a workshop exercise, a participant gave an illustration of standing by a temperamental photo copier and not giving up. Use whatever works.

Healthy minds respond to being stretched at every age. A sense of achievement will only come by stepping out of comfort zones. Doing what we’re good at is not a challenge and it doesn’t have to be physical or big. We can surprise ourselves and others. Like children, small steps lead to greater confidence. We never stopped learning as children and learning how to fail too. Children will try again, until at some point in life, memories of past failure can hijack the present. Then we either don’t do something or give up early. It will compound those negative feelings.

The experience had been exhilarating. What next?

“Alleged ‘impossibilities’ are opportunities for our capacities to be stretched.”

Charles R Swindoll.

©AlisonRRussell2015