Blame it on the Great British Bake-Off - challenging self doubt.

This is the article that was in the York Press on October 26th, 2015

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13890086.Blame_it_on_the_Great_British_Bake_Off/

Blame it on the Great British Bake-Off!

I don’t usually return to a theme in the previous month’s column, but when writing about emotional wellbeing, Nadija Hussain’s win on Bake-Off and her subsequent comments cannot be ignored.

These were her words after winning. "I’m never gonna put boundaries on myself ever again. I’m never gonna say, I can't do it. I’m never gonna say, maybe. I’m never gonna say, I don’t think I can. I can and I will.”

Last month I wrote that we need to fail before we can succeed. We do as babies and young children and then at some point we allow the voices of self-doubt to hijack us. Can you imagine how many complete baking disasters Nadija must have produced over the years? She failed on the actual programme too, in full view of millions of viewers. She had to pick herself up and start all over again.

Another recent competition winner has been Marlon James, the winner of the Man Booker prize for his challenging novel, ‘A Brief History of Seven Killings.’ His first novel had been turned down by publishers 78 times. The literary world is full of best selling authors who have been rejected numerous times. There are plenty of examples of ‘Famous Rejections’ on the Internet. They make enlightening and encouraging reading.

A relative has recently presented his work to a high profile, worldwide audience. Feedback on Twitter included, “Like the top tips. Always good to celebrate mistakes...!” “Great to see advice coming through errors.” I couldn’t agree more.

The editor of my book, ‘Are you Chasing Rainbows?’ was excellent and the book is better for her work. But, she wanted me to remove references to personal failure. She told the publisher that, “as it was a book on self-development, it shouldn’t have negative stories in it.” I despaired. We develop by learning from failure. The references were not changed.

This lack of acknowledgement of failure and mistakes is something that has crept into wellbeing via an approach called Positive Psychology. It has also led into the ubiquitous use of the word ‘issues’ instead of the word problem, which is believed to be too negative. I trained as a solutioned-focused therapist and as such, the clients and I would find possible solutions for the problem presented. We did not explore issues. A problem is more concrete than an issue. I knew it had gone too far, when somebody on TV said that their vacuum cleaner had issues.

We need to balance encouragement with realism. I’m not sure however many lessons I had, that I could be a concert pianist or speak fluent Chinese. I am suggesting that if we should persevere with something and try and try again, if it is important to us, shutting off unhelpful, negative self- dialogue.

I’ll leave you with Nadija’s last comment again.
“I can and I will.” 

©AlisonRRussell2015

Step out of your comfort zone - I did!

This is the Wellbeing Column from the York Press on Monday, September 2015

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13781990.Seize_the_opportunity_to_step_out_off_your_comfort_zone/

Given the choice, I would not have decided to complete the Go Ape tree top course in Dalby Forest last month. The plans were for two grandsons to be supervised by an older friend, but after viewing the video, the friend told me that they didn’t like heights and would not do it. There was no time to find anyone else and not wanting to let the boys down, I said that I would do it. The staff were positive that I could manage the course of six rope ladders, eight wobbly walkways and six zip wires. “ 80 year olds have done it!”, they said. The highest point amongst the trees is one hundred and thirty-four feet. They assured me that I could be rescued at any time.

Going up the first rope ladder, I realised that my weakening wrists attempting to lift a heavy weight was going to be a challenge. It proved to be so and the rope ladders were unexpectedly the most difficult part of the course.

There followed two hours of one of the hardest challenges I’ve faced. Not helped by a nasty fall in the garden the night before, which I kept to myself. It was a long way out of my comfort zone and I did it!  The reward at the end, was an indescribable sense of achievement. Only I knew how hard it had been. There were times when I had wanted to stop and completion became mind over matter. As mission control told the crew of Apollo 13, ‘Failure is not an option.’ While the course had been a test of physical endurance, it was mental endurance that kept me going to the end.  What lessons were learnt?

We all meet challenges through life and our self-dialogue will strongly influence the end result. We take too much notice of negative voices telling us that we can’t do something, are a failure or not good enough.  We need to deafen them with positive voices reminding us of previous challenges, when we had not given up. Memories of driving abroad and getting stranded on a cliff, provided personal motivation. Once, in a workshop exercise, a participant gave an illustration of standing by a temperamental photo copier and not giving up. Use whatever works.

Healthy minds respond to being stretched at every age. A sense of achievement will only come by stepping out of comfort zones. Doing what we’re good at is not a challenge and it doesn’t have to be physical or big. We can surprise ourselves and others. Like children, small steps lead to greater confidence. We never stopped learning as children and learning how to fail too. Children will try again, until at some point in life, memories of past failure can hijack the present. Then we either don’t do something or give up early. It will compound those negative feelings.

The experience had been exhilarating. What next?

“Alleged ‘impossibilities’ are opportunities for our capacities to be stretched.”

Charles R Swindoll.

©AlisonRRussell2015