Following on from previous...new law 29.12.2015

This news item follows on from the previous blog. 

Next Tuesday, January 5th, a new law will be put into effect: "It aims to reduce psychological bullying that includes extreme psychological and emotional abuse, even if it does not amount to physical violence..." 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/new-law-targeting-psychological-bullies-could-see-coercive-controlling-partners-in-jail-for-up-to-5-a6788011.html

There was a good discussion about the new law on Radio 4 PM at 17.00pm. It starts at 48mins. The programme uses dialogue from the fictional, but realistic dialogue in The Archers radio soap opera, that was also previously mentioned.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06sgy7t#play

I am very pleased that psychological abuse is being recognised, but have a concern is that it will be difficult to prove in many cases. Vulnerable, manipulated people could be further manipulated by the legal process. 

As a member of Soroptimist International, I mainly support women and children, but men can also experience psychological abuse from women. Women are by no means saints. Children can experience psychological abuse from either or both parents and even grandparents. Sad. 

Anyone reading this blog for the first time, please read the previous blog for the list of behaviours that identifies both abusive behaviour and loving behaviour.

©AlisonRRussell2015

'Loves me, Loves me not' - The Archers BBC Radio 4.

This is the *extended Wellbeing Column published in York Press on Tuesday, November 24th, 2015. It is printed in the colour orange, as part of the UN 16 Days of Activism for Eliminating Violence Against Women. #orangetheworld 

http://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/ending-violence-against-women/take-action/16-days-of-activism

*Several threads came together for this blog:

1. One thread is the long-running radio soap opera, 'The Archers' on BBC Radio 4.

Soaps like to have a villain. It generates media interest and increased listening figures. Soaps are also good at highlighting problems in their audience's lives, such as addictions, relationship problems, ill health, elderly care and domestic abuse. The latter has rarely been heard on 'The Archers', but over the last two years, a storyline has steadily been building around a character, Helen Archer, who recently married Rob Titchener. This man is using psychological manipulation, emotional abuse and possibly sexual abuse to gradually take control of all aspects of his wife's life. 

I have been a listener for decades, but find this storyline disturbing, as do many other women. Some people have stopped listening until the character is written out. I can listen and realise that it's only actors standing in a studio reading a script, but it's still difficult to hear at times. The scriptwriters and actors are to be congratulated for making it feel so real.

I must also admit to conversations with women who have not recognised what Rob Titchener is doing. I find that concerning.

2. A second thread is that I belong to a voluntary service organisation for women and children, called Soroptimist International (Great Britain & Ireland) www.sigbi.org  Many of the clubs in the UK and worldwide work on projects supporting women who have been abused. In highlighting the projects, it was decided to use the Archer's storyline to increase awareness of the Soroptimists organisation and their work.  'Women inspiring action, transforming lives.' A Facebook page has been set up called: Help the Ambridge One. It features project work being carried out by a variety of Soroptimist International clubs. 

A petition has also been drawn up to send Nicky Morgan MP, about cuts to the services available to abused women. Cuts in services will lead to an increase of domestic abuse. 

https://www.change.org/p/nicky-morgan-mp-prevent-more-women-and-children-being-hurt-by-cuts-to-services-for-domestic-abuse

'The Archers' is fictional, but for thousands of women the abuse is real.

3. The third thread was article in York Press, by Maxine Gordon, which highlighted the work of a local Domestic Abuse charity in York. 

The column

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14035071.Body__mind_and_soul___Loves_me__loves_me_not_/

Last week in Family Matters, Maxine Gordon highlighted Domestic Abuse and the work of IDAS in York. ( http://bit.ly/1iWUU4M )

IDAS is a North Yorkshire Abuse Charity and is supported by several York organisations, including Soroptimist International York Ebor Club. (http://www.siyorkebor.org.uk)

Last weekend I was at the annual conference for Soroptimist International Great Britain and Ireland (www.sigbi.org) in Glasgow. Princess Anne was one of the speakers supporting inspiring Soroptimist projects. Projects being carried out by 80,000 members in 127 countries worldwide, as well as the UK.

Clubs in the Yorkshire Region recognised that, tragically, there are thousands of women and young girls in Yorkshire alone, experiencing abuse in a variety of forms. They founded an Anti-Slavery Group. These days, the term slavery covers trafficking, domestic abuse, grooming, female genital mutilation and slavery. The group created a ‘Loves me, loves me not’ bookmark and cards. Thousands have been given away to women and young adults. 

The ‘loves me, loves me not’ lists were created with straight, adult relationships in mind.  As a psychotherapist I recognised the ‘Loves me not’ behaviours in all types of dysfunctional relationships. Gay, Straight and Transgender. Parent - Child. Child - Parent.  Employer - Employee. Teacher - Student. Friend - Friend. 

Loves me 

• Makes me feel safe
• Makes me feel comfortable. 
• Listens to me
• Values my opinions 
• Supports what I want to do in life 
• Is truthful with me 
• Admits to being wrong 
• Respects me
• Likes that I have other friends 
• Makes me laugh 
• Trusts me
• Treats me as an equal
• Respects my family 
• Understands my need for time alone or with family 
• Accepts me as I am 

Loves me not

• Is jealous 
• Is possessive 
• Tries to control me 
• Gets violent, loses temper quickly 
• Always blames me 
• Is sexually demanding 
• Keeps me from seeing friends and family 
• Makes all the decisions 
• Embarrasses me in front of others 
• Hits me 
• Makes me cry 
• Is always ‘checking up’ on me 
• Takes my money and other things 
• Threatens to leave me if I don’t do what I’m told 
• Teases, bullies and puts me down 

People whose behaviours includes those on the ‘Loves me’ list, show greater emotional maturity than those displaying behaviours on the ‘Loves me not’ list. A number of those behaviours can be seen in children. Hence the expression, “Oh Grow up!”

While most of the focus has been on female victims, there is beginning to be recognition that young boys and adults need educating too, especially with the easier availability of, and exposure to, violent and extreme pornography online. Actress and UN Women Global Goodwill Ambassador, Emma Watson, has recently launched He for She. (HeforShe.org) The York Charity, Jack Raine Foundation also looks at addressing these problems.

If abusers and the abused are the fruits of a problem, perhaps society needs to give greater attention to the roots.

©AlisonRRussell2015

Blame it on the Great British Bake-Off - challenging self doubt.

This is the article that was in the York Press on October 26th, 2015

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13890086.Blame_it_on_the_Great_British_Bake_Off/

Blame it on the Great British Bake-Off!

I don’t usually return to a theme in the previous month’s column, but when writing about emotional wellbeing, Nadija Hussain’s win on Bake-Off and her subsequent comments cannot be ignored.

These were her words after winning. "I’m never gonna put boundaries on myself ever again. I’m never gonna say, I can't do it. I’m never gonna say, maybe. I’m never gonna say, I don’t think I can. I can and I will.”

Last month I wrote that we need to fail before we can succeed. We do as babies and young children and then at some point we allow the voices of self-doubt to hijack us. Can you imagine how many complete baking disasters Nadija must have produced over the years? She failed on the actual programme too, in full view of millions of viewers. She had to pick herself up and start all over again.

Another recent competition winner has been Marlon James, the winner of the Man Booker prize for his challenging novel, ‘A Brief History of Seven Killings.’ His first novel had been turned down by publishers 78 times. The literary world is full of best selling authors who have been rejected numerous times. There are plenty of examples of ‘Famous Rejections’ on the Internet. They make enlightening and encouraging reading.

A relative has recently presented his work to a high profile, worldwide audience. Feedback on Twitter included, “Like the top tips. Always good to celebrate mistakes...!” “Great to see advice coming through errors.” I couldn’t agree more.

The editor of my book, ‘Are you Chasing Rainbows?’ was excellent and the book is better for her work. But, she wanted me to remove references to personal failure. She told the publisher that, “as it was a book on self-development, it shouldn’t have negative stories in it.” I despaired. We develop by learning from failure. The references were not changed.

This lack of acknowledgement of failure and mistakes is something that has crept into wellbeing via an approach called Positive Psychology. It has also led into the ubiquitous use of the word ‘issues’ instead of the word problem, which is believed to be too negative. I trained as a solutioned-focused therapist and as such, the clients and I would find possible solutions for the problem presented. We did not explore issues. A problem is more concrete than an issue. I knew it had gone too far, when somebody on TV said that their vacuum cleaner had issues.

We need to balance encouragement with realism. I’m not sure however many lessons I had, that I could be a concert pianist or speak fluent Chinese. I am suggesting that if we should persevere with something and try and try again, if it is important to us, shutting off unhelpful, negative self- dialogue.

I’ll leave you with Nadija’s last comment again.
“I can and I will.” 

©AlisonRRussell2015

Sexual consent - great teaching film.

I belong to an organisation called Soroptimist International.  http://sigbi.org


The Yorkshire region have an Anti-Slavery Group. They held a Safeguarding Day conference last month. This video was shown. 

A fantastic initative. Spread it far and wide.

UK Police Launch Video Comparing Sexual Consent To Offering Tea, And It’s So Very English

For anyone who’s ever been confused about what sexual consent means, the UK’s Thames Valley Police has just launched a brilliant YouTube campaign explaining it using a quintessentially English tea analogy.

http://pulptastic.com/would-you-like-a-cuppa/

http://metro.co.uk/2015/10/28/this-new-sexual-consent-and-tea-video-from-the-police-is-brilliant-5466392/?ito=facebook

AlisonRRussell2015

Step out of your comfort zone - I did!

This is the Wellbeing Column from the York Press on Monday, September 2015

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13781990.Seize_the_opportunity_to_step_out_off_your_comfort_zone/

Given the choice, I would not have decided to complete the Go Ape tree top course in Dalby Forest last month. The plans were for two grandsons to be supervised by an older friend, but after viewing the video, the friend told me that they didn’t like heights and would not do it. There was no time to find anyone else and not wanting to let the boys down, I said that I would do it. The staff were positive that I could manage the course of six rope ladders, eight wobbly walkways and six zip wires. “ 80 year olds have done it!”, they said. The highest point amongst the trees is one hundred and thirty-four feet. They assured me that I could be rescued at any time.

Going up the first rope ladder, I realised that my weakening wrists attempting to lift a heavy weight was going to be a challenge. It proved to be so and the rope ladders were unexpectedly the most difficult part of the course.

There followed two hours of one of the hardest challenges I’ve faced. Not helped by a nasty fall in the garden the night before, which I kept to myself. It was a long way out of my comfort zone and I did it!  The reward at the end, was an indescribable sense of achievement. Only I knew how hard it had been. There were times when I had wanted to stop and completion became mind over matter. As mission control told the crew of Apollo 13, ‘Failure is not an option.’ While the course had been a test of physical endurance, it was mental endurance that kept me going to the end.  What lessons were learnt?

We all meet challenges through life and our self-dialogue will strongly influence the end result. We take too much notice of negative voices telling us that we can’t do something, are a failure or not good enough.  We need to deafen them with positive voices reminding us of previous challenges, when we had not given up. Memories of driving abroad and getting stranded on a cliff, provided personal motivation. Once, in a workshop exercise, a participant gave an illustration of standing by a temperamental photo copier and not giving up. Use whatever works.

Healthy minds respond to being stretched at every age. A sense of achievement will only come by stepping out of comfort zones. Doing what we’re good at is not a challenge and it doesn’t have to be physical or big. We can surprise ourselves and others. Like children, small steps lead to greater confidence. We never stopped learning as children and learning how to fail too. Children will try again, until at some point in life, memories of past failure can hijack the present. Then we either don’t do something or give up early. It will compound those negative feelings.

The experience had been exhilarating. What next?

“Alleged ‘impossibilities’ are opportunities for our capacities to be stretched.”

Charles R Swindoll.

©AlisonRRussell2015

Being thankful and simple pleasures.

Major life events can be called life-changing in a dramatic way, but undramatic, day-to-day choices can end up being life-changing too.  (I see that the film, 'Sliding Doors' is on TV this evening. A case in point.) In my life, answering the college telephone, overhearing a customer in a local shop and changing a collection point for a charity, all changed my life immeasurably. 

This short blog is about a dramatic, life-changing life event. Two years ago today, my husband unusually complained of a stomach-ache. Twenty-fours later he was undergoing life-saving and life-changing surgery. Thank-you NHS and Mr Gatt at Scarborough hospital.

I reminded him of the anniversary today and he said that he hadn’t realised what day it was and didn’t really want to think about it, because of negative memories. That's a useful way of managing upsetting memories, "If you pick it, it won't get better." But I reminded him that it was also the anniversary of survival and how we made some positive changes to daily living.

It’s been a beautiful, autumn day today. We took the opportunity to go for a local walk, exploring a part of town that we hadn’t visited before. Before the illness, if a lovely day was in the week, we would have stayed in, working. Then, probably complained at a soggy weekend that often followed. Today, we made hay while the sun shined.

It may sound trite and perhaps schmaltzy, but we find some pleasure in every day and are thankful. I've always had Pollyanna Syndrome and know it can be trying for people sometimes, but I'm also realistic. Of course, there is plenty to complain about and to be concerned about, but there is always something to be thankful for too.  It doesn't seem to do any harm and we can also be more choosy about what we worry about and how much we worry. 

"I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened." Mark Twain

Nearly being deprived of small, simple pleasures has heightened our appreciation of them. I recall a client, who found counting three blessings before getting up in the morning, helped her manage the domestic chaos that awaited her outside the bedroom door. I know of people who chose to do something similar at the end of the day.

When I ran the practice, I often used this quote to help clients:

“…we live in the past or in the future; we are continually expecting the coming of some special moment when our life will unfold itself in its full significance. And we do not notice that life is flowing like water through our fingers.”   

Father Alexander Elchaninov

Not living for the day, but in the day.

©AlisonRRussell2015

Do you see, but not observe?

This is the extended* Wellbeing Column from the York Press on August, 31st 2015.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13630212.Do_you_see__but_not_observe_/

My teenage grandsons have been staying with us, on their annual holiday.

We visited a local ‘hidden gem’ on bicycles. A wooded glen with a waterfall falling in a rocky cove. The boys loved exploring the area and on returning home asked if they could visit it again. We returned two days later. This time, the weather was even better and as we came through the trees, the North Sea appeared before us, an iridescent Mediterranean blue, matching the sky. A small yacht was moored in the cove and added to an idyllic scene. 

The boys went off to explore. Some families were picnicking and examining rock pools in the cove below the ledge, on which I remained. One father had gathered a few sticks of driftwood and was showing his children how to make a fire in a small circle of rocks. A fragrant, light pall of smoke drifted upwards to near where I was sitting on a boulder, reading the Sunday papers. The only sounds were of laughter and waves gently lapping the shore. It was warm, sunny, peaceful and pretty near perfect.

A few people came up and down the paths and an older couple appeared with a dog. The man climbed down to the pebbly beach with the dog, to take photos of the waterfall. The woman stood on the ledge and turned to me, saying with faint disgust, “I’ve come all this way for this! There aren’t even any seats.” I suggested that the boulders made comfortable seating. 

The woman moved twenty feet away, across the waterfall, to sit on a rock in the shelter of the cliff. She managed to get a signal on her mobile phone and spoke loudly about her dissatisfaction with everything. After the phone call, she made a roll-up, which she smoked with vigour. The pleasant, light breeze meant that her face was enveloped in smoke. I make no judgement on the woman’s activities, only in being bemused about what happened next. 

The man returned with the dog and the woman walked back across the rocks to join them. As they passed me on leaving the cove, she turned to me again and said, “ those people with the fire have ruined it for everyone.”

The boys arrived back full of wonder at their exploration of the glen. They sported grubby knees and wet shoes. They had taken photos of what one of them called called, “ the prettiest place I have ever seen.” I suggested exploring a different path, which they did happily and provided further delights. I thought that their beloved electronic devices couldn’t provide such memories.

I returned to my Sunday papers. In one article, someone had written about Sherlock Holmes. They wrote that Sherlock was often saying to Dr Watson, “ You see, but you don’t observe.”

Perhaps the same could be said for some of the visitors to the cove that afternoon. 
.................................

* I know that I have touched on this subject before, but we have been given the gift of five senses of smell, sight, hearing, taste and touch and we don't use them as well as we could. They can be a great resource and are free. In fact we don't realise how precious they are, until they are not there anymore or less sensitive. People can miss so much by not using them at all or properly.

I also like to add two more necessary senses for a healthy life. A sense of humour and common sense.

Do we hear, but not listen? Eat, but not taste? Touch, but not feel.

©AlisonRRussell2015