Nature shows us we all need another chance.

This is the article first published in the York Press on Tuesday, October 17th, 2017.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/15596191.COLUMN__Everyone_deserves_a_second_chance/

Autumn in the garden can be a time for reflecting on the successes and failures in the plant world. A surprise for us in the garden this year has been the sweet peas. We plant them annually and they always produce a good show. This year they flourished in early summer, grew tall and produced long stems with buds. Then, nothing. Ninety-five percent of the flowers heads were blind. A mystery. It had never happened before. I treated the non-existent stems as ones that had flowered and picked them all. As a result, for the last six weeks there has been a steady show of flagrant blooms. A second chance and they flourished.

Gardening often teaches us life lessons. A couple of favourites are that beautiful roses thrive after being covered with manure and the frailest snowdrop pushes through the coldest ground. The sweet peas led to reflecting on my own life. There were a couple of times when I may have appeared to be blossoming, but it didn’t last long. Much later and after longer germination, better nourishment and the right conditions, I flourished. From schooldays, we are encouraged to pursue blossoming in our twenties and thirties and can often feel ‘not good enough’ if that hasn’t occurred.

This autumn, it hasn’t only been the garden which has made me think of second chances. I belong to a Women’s Service Organisation, Soroptimist International. www.sigbi.org  The Yorkshire Region has annual themes for the twenty-three clubs, which they use to create projects helping women and children. The next theme will be ‘ The Power of the Second Chance.’, a theme the local York, Selby and Scarborough clubs will be fully supporting. In therapeutic practice, I saw many people gave up too early, believing they were failures and ‘not good enough’. We should all give ourselves a second chance, even a third or fourth chance, be it with work, leisure activities, hobbies, education, relationships and health problems.

Nature shows us that to fail or not blossom the first time, doesn’t mean that a plant is doomed or a write-off for the rest of its life.

“There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1 

©RitaLeaman2017

Setting and pushing boundaries.

This is the extended* Wellbeing Column, first published in the York Press on Tuesday, April 25th, 2017. 

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/15239099.Mind__body_and_soul__Walk_on_the_wild_side/

It has been like the BBC TV programme, ‘Springwatch' in our back garden recently. As well as a tuneful variety of bird life, the bird feeders and garden have encouraged other visitors too. Squirrels, rabbits, deer, a stoat, pheasants, hedgehogs, bees, butterflies and even a pair of ducks have appeared near the house for the first time.

One morning we looked out of the window and were shocked. There was a scene of wanton vandalism. Hanging feeders lay on the ground, broken and empty. A baton of wood was snapped in two. Due to the height of the feeders, we blamed deer, but out of curiosity, we erected a night time camera.

The next morning, a similar scene met us. We looked at the camera and were amazed. A badger was the culprit. We know how fortunate we are to have such a wonderful selection of wildlife on our doorstep and we encourage it, despite the downside of nibbled flowers and shrubs. But it is wild life. Life that knows few boundaries.

Recently I heard a retired headteacher talk to a group of NSPCC supporters, about her years in charge of a primary school, in a tough area. She talked of children growing up ‘wild’ and how much they responded to the boundaries set at school. “They knew where they were and what was expected of them.” People need boundaries. When we’re younger, we have to be told and guided, learning about taking personal responsibility and that actions bring consequences. We push at them, question them, sometimes break through them, but need them for a healthy society. As we grow up and our brains mature, we can set boundaries for ourselves.

* Taken from the book, 'Are you Chasing Rainbows?' 

Peter, in his fifties, was an only child and close to his mother, who idolised him. He held a prestigious academic position in a university. He regularly had tantrums in the workplace, generally shouting, screaming, banging the table and walking out of meetings. Most of the time he succeeded in getting his own way.

I would suggest that while he had a high IQ, his EQ (emotional intelligence) did not match: he presented as a man/boy. He had grown up getting his own way by having tantrums, and was indulged by staff members. Unless someone was able to draw boundaries and be consistent in their non- acceptance of his behaviour, it was likely to continue. 

If animals, both domestic and wild, are kept inside boundaries and those boundaries are too restrictive, they will not thrive and usually display disturbed behaviour. The same can be observed with children. It’s not easy for parents and carers, especially with teenagers. Boundaries which are too restrictive can lead to as many problems as too few boundaries. 

*There is general acceptance now that praise and encouragement are helpful, and that filling a child with a sense of failure is unhelpful. The problem is that teaching is tipping the balance into giving a child unrealistic expectations. We praise a baby when it picks up a toy, but when do we stop? If we continue to praise a child for doing something that comes easily, the praise will be devalued. As adults, we need to move the boundaries of praise, along with the expectation of success. For example, a young child can be praised for a drawing: if that drawing doesn’t get much better and the praise continues, the child will know that the praise is empty. Either that or they will not try to stretch themselves because they will be praised anyway. What I suggest is that the effort should be praised instead.

 

Sometimes, as adults we set ourselves inflexible and unnecessary boundaries - a comfort zone. Perhaps 2017 is the year to step outside and explore the unknown?

* There are many reasons for preferring to stay within our comfort zone, but a major reason for may people, especially as they grow older, is not to wanting to fail. An adult can often be reminded of uncomfortable, even horrible, childhood experiences. The childhood emotion can 'hijack' the adult thinking and they stay in their comfort zone. That can be a shame and a loss of personal development.

"Failure is success, if we learn from it." Malcolm Forbes.

©AlisonRRussell@2017