Words to encourage, comfort and reassure from Bob Hoskins

This is the column I wrote for the York Press on June 5th 2014.  I will write further on some of the points in the next blog.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11250632.Body__Mind___Soul__Words_to_encourage__comfort_and_reassure/

I usually write an article and finish with a short ‘Reflection’. This month the Reflection will take prominence.

The actor, Bob Hoskins died on April 29, aged 71. There were many tributes on his fine and varied film and TV career. His early life certainly did not appear to suggest that his future lay in Television and then on to Hollywood.

His daughter, Rosa, released a list of ‘Eleven Life Lessons’, which her father had given her to “encourage, comfort and reassure.” I hope they help you too.

Reflection

Stop for a few minutes in your day. Read slowly. Reflect on each lesson. Find the lessons that may help you in life.

1) Laugh. There’s humour to be found everywhere, even your darkest days there’s something to have a joke about. Laugh long and loud and make other people laugh. It’s good for you.

2) Be yourself. If someone doesn’t like you they’re either stupid , blind, or they’ve got bad taste. Accept who you are, you’ve got no one else to be. Don’t try to change yourself, there’s no point. Don’t apologise. Don’t make excuses. Be yourself and if anyone else doesn’t like it, let them go away.

3) Be flamboyant, it’s who you are and always have been. Be eccentric and unique. Don’t try to adapt yourself to someone else’s view of normal. That belongs to them, not you. Like yourself as who you are.

4) Don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Everyone’s a critic, but ultimately what they say only matters if you let it. Don’t believe your own press. People can just as easily sing your praises as they can tear you down. Don’t waste your time on things you can’t change. Let it slide off you like water off a duck’s back.

5) Get angry, it’s ok to lose your temper now and then. If anger stays in, it turns to poison and makes you bitter and sad. Get angry, say your peace, then let it go.

6) Whatever you do, always give it a good go. Don’t be afraid of failure and disappointment. If you fall flat on your face then get straight back up. You’ll always regret not trying. Disappointment is temporary, regret is forever.

7) Be generous and kind because you can’t take it with you. When you’ve got something to give, give it without hesitation.

8) Appreciate beauty, take pictures and make memories. Capture it, you never know when it’ll be gone.

9) Don’t take yourself too seriously. People who take themselves too seriously are boring.

10) Never, ever, ever, ever give up. Keep on punching no matter what your up against. You’re only defeated if you give up, so don’t give up.

11) Love with all your heart. In the end, love is the only thing that matters.

©AlisonRRussell2014

I could weep...

This article was in The Observer on Sunday, June 22nd. 2014

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jun/22/critics-attack-ect-ketamine-therapy-depression

I could have wept after reading it. I used to help hold patients down, when they were receiving ECT. I also know of a bright, attractive young woman, who has had her bladder removed due to ketamine addiction.

Recently I was at a conference. A professor with an excellent reputation, spoke about the research his department is undertaking on psychosis. he also questions the over prescribing of medication, which is good. His research includes the role of communication between parent/carer and baby. I asked a question about the lack of interaction that occurs due to the high usage of front facing prams and pushchairs. He said he had never thought about it.

I could weep and scream in despair. But nothing will get done by doing that, except people continue to die. All I can do is write and speak and hope that if one person benefits, then others will too. 

I was reminded of a letter I wrote to the Human Givens Journal in 2003. Ten years ago.  It was titled, 'Not a tissue in sight."

It is a long letter.

I read with great interest and enthusiasm the article in the last issue called “The urgent need for a human givens teaching hospital” (vol 9, no 4). I couldn’t agree more that we are crying out for such a facility. Over a period of five years, I worked on an acute psychiatric unit – private but with NHS beds – and, while it had many of the assets that Ivan Tyrrell described as desirable, (a beautiful setting, architecturally pleasing and with grounds and outbuildings of its own), what was lacking was effective help for its troubled occupants.

I became involved with mental health work by accident when, as a nursery nurse working for a local agency, I was asked to go to the unit to support a mother with postnatal depression. On my second day, the staff nurse asked if I would like to become a member of a bank of nursing assistants on whom they called when they were short-staffed. I thought the work would be extremely interesting, so I agreed. Little did I realise then that what I would see and learn would propel me into a totally new career as an effective therapist.
The unit catered for the whole range of acute psychiatric disorders – eating disorders, addiction, depression, schizophrenia, paranoia, bipolar disorder and so forth. I worked there fairly regularly, on both day and night duty, filling in when staff were off sick or on holiday leave. I enjoyed the hospital atmosphere. We all wore ‘civvies’; patients were called ‘clients’ and there was no institutional feel at all: the furnishings were attractive, the grounds cultivated and colourful, the walls hung with paintings and the rooms filled with plants. Almost all the bedrooms were single occupancy, with private shower and toilet.
I suppose my first surprise was that nursing assistants who worked ‘on the bank’ received little training, no supervision and were not included on the nvq programme. The only training was an initial induction including health and safety topics such as how to lift a patient, but not how to talk or relate to them. While nurses and assistants on the staff were participating in the supervisory support groups that were denied us, just a couple of us would be left to run the ward. Besides helping serve meals and ensuring people took their medication, my main duty was to act as a support to clients and my main ‘intervention’, as it was called, was to offer a shoulder for them to cry on. I might be asked to talk with someone for half an hour, accompany them on a walk to the shops or round the grounds or just sit with them. often I took my turn at close observation of a client ‘at risk’ of killing themselves or running away. Some

clients had to have their whereabouts checked every 15 or 30 minutes. All nursing assistants took their turn at observation duty, which sometimes entailed just sitting in a corridor, ensuring that people thought to be at risk didn’t get out. I was never supervised once, either formally or informally. Even on my first day, I was left with an extremely challenging client and given no guidance; the staff just assumed I would cope.
On the whole, I found the work absorbing, although, with no training, sometimes I wondered about my effectiveness. Slowly, however, I became increasingly concerned by what I observed. There was a worrying reliance on the medication trolley and the longer I worked there, the more I realised how long patients tended to stay on the unit too. Often they remained for months on end and seemed to deteriorate, rather than improve, with some clients becoming nurse and/or doctor dependent. Clearly, there were long term clients who knew how to manipulate the staff. They would push at boundaries (for instance reneging on a contract not to drink alcohol or not keeping to an agreed eating regime) and be allowed to get away with it. With my nursery nurse training, this instantly struck me as wrong. One of the first things we learn when we set boundaries for children, is to be consistent.
I also became more and more struck by the fact that people tended to spend a great deal of their time being miserable, not helped by the emphasis on past events rather than looking for solutions. Clients either huddled away to cry on their own, sat in the communal areas or came in a distressed state to ask a staff member to be with them. We were just expected to listen while they cried, and murmur “There, there”, “It’s not as bad as all that” or suchlike. One woman would cry so protractedly, going over and over and over something in her past, that staff tried to avoid her. Even now, years later, if I should meet her in the street, I notice tears will come into her eyes as we speak.
When I did corridor duty, ensuring that no one who was at risk went out of doors, I would see clients go to what was called the ‘end of day’ group, where they would talk with a member of staff about what had not gone right for them that day. It was a time to unload (as if they needed any more unloading). I would watch them when they emerged and couldn’t help likening them to a line of monks in their habits – except, in this case, what they were shrouded in was misery or anger. Tears flowed easily (I was never present at such a group but I gathered that someone would say something woeful and it would set everyone else off). Some went straight to their rooms to self harm.
There was a TV room where people could smoke, and there many would sit, smoking, watching TV and looking miserable for most of the day. Sometimes a nursing assistant would engage someone in a game of scrabble or start a jigsaw,

but, for the most part, people were left on their own. There were occupational therapy and psychotherapy sessions, music and art therapy or relaxation classes, but these were often cancelled because the person due to lead them was sick, on holiday or had gone to a meeting. Clients found this very frustrating. My abiding image is of people drifting – shuffling along the corridor between the smoking room and their own rooms. There were many hours of unproductively filled time. Clients saw their psychiatrist once or twice a week and were supposed to see a named nurse every day, but not many seemed to improve. While I privately questioned what I saw, I thought it must be due to my lack of relevant academic knowledge.
Some nurses, in conversation, might casually question the benefit of it all, but mostly they put up with it. Not one of them showed any interest in a flyer advertising a MindFields seminar, entitled “How to be an effective counsellor”, posted up on the staff room notice board. By that time, sometime in 1998, I was frustrated enough to be willing to spend my own money to go along, in the hope of learning something I could put to positive use. That seminar changed my life. I continued attending MindFields seminars and workshops, and quickly learned swift, reliable ways to help people overcome distress. I took the Human Givens Diploma course and now work in private practice as a human givens therapist. But, at the beginning, I was tentative in applying my new growing knowledge in the psychiatric unit where I still worked.
We used to have clients knocking at the staff room door, begging for medication when they felt they needed a top-up. Nurses tried not to give it before time, so people could be left in a extremely agitated state, not knowing how to get through the next half hour or 40 minutes until they came and pleaded again. I asked permission to try calming them with relaxation, and clients found it enormously helpful.
There was a man in the unit who had been a soldier involved in a conflict abroad and suffered severely from post-traumatic stress syndrome. I offered relaxation but he was wary at first. I soon found out why. At one of the group relaxation sessions, the nurse inducing relaxation, had instructed individuals to imagine a lovely, green field. The man panicked and ran out of the room in complete terror. It turned out that it was in a lovely, green field that he had very nearly been blown up by an exploding mine. I persuaded him to let me try to help him and, of course, invited him to visualise a peaceful place of his own choice (which turned out to be his bedroom at home). I also talked to him about the effects of emotional arousal and helped him reduce it by encouraging 7/11 breathing – breathing in to the count of seven and out to the count of 11. It was simple and effective, and he was pleased with both interventions. But I always made sure I received permission from the staff before trying any such

thing, however minor.

One woman – I’ll call her Maria – was severely manic depressive. One day she started crawling over the furniture in the communal area, shouting and jabbering non-stop. The staff just left her to it. It was early days for me in my ‘therapy career’ but I knew about entering individuals’ reality as a technique for getting through to people who are psychotic. So I started nodding as she jabbered, as if she were talking sense. She was already clearly in her own trance state, so I decided to try a hypnotic suggestion. I said, “AS you carry on crawling over the furniture, you’ll notice that you start feeling more relaxed and sleepy.” Her movements slowed and she stopped on the sofa. I added, “You will go to sleep, waking up when you want to, feeling calm and relaxed.” She fell asleep almost immediately and, half an hour later, opened her eyes and went calmly back to her room.
I was highly encouraged by this small success. On another occasion, Maria had trashed her bedroom and bathroom. She was wandering the corridors, ranting that she had to get ready; people were coming to see her and she had to get the flat sorted out. Taking her at her word, I said, “Well, we’d better get your flat sorted out, then,” and walked with her to her room. It was in an appalling state – everything all over the place and talcum powder everywhere. But she set to, and cleaned the room in preparation for ‘the people’. I wasn’t confident in my new skills, at that time, so I didn’t make much of anything I managed to achieve. I did mention to staff that Maria had cleaned her room but no one was particularly interested. I was just a nursing assistant with no nursing or academic qualifications. Who was I to suggest something that might work?
A major restructuring programme took place and the one unit became two units with their own specialisms, because the mix of conditions hadn’t always been helpful to the clients. But, overall, the effectiveness of treatment appeared to change little. As I furthered my training outside of the unit, I knew I couldn’t work on the units anymore, without saying what I thought. So I wrote to the two psychiatrists, one psychologist, two staff nurses and four management staff, saying I had enjoyed my time at the unit but now felt something important was missing from the care. I said I thought every nurse and doctor should be trained in how to lower emotional arousal and in the use of therapeutic trance states. I donated a set of the organising ideas monographs to each unit but, although some thanked me, I do wonder if they have been read.
From what I know now, the negative aspects of the care that was offered in the hospital are probably common to the majority of such units to which people are routinely admitted (although staff to patient ratio is likely to be lower). Medication cocktails are administered that induce highly questionable side

effects; emotional arousal is encouraged (in our case, boxes of tissues tended to be everywhere – bedrooms, dayrooms, the consultants’ rooms and corridor tables); and there is not enough to occupy people, so damaging introspection can hardly be avoided.
As a result of taking other observations into account too, in my own consulting rooms the walls are not white; the chairs are not institutional or placed towards the light; there is no large clock ticking loudly, at which the therapist keeps looking; and there is not a tissue in sight!

©AlisonRRussell 2014

Sight, smell, touch, taste and common sense.

When I was younger, food did not have sell-by dates. We used sight, smell, touch, taste and common sense.

By the end of the 1980s, sell-by, use-by, eat-by dates were on most food products. It seemed sensible at the time, but now there are at least two generations who stick rigidly to the dates printed on the packaging and throw away hundreds of pounds worth of perfectly good food on a daily basis.

At last, the supermarkets have realised there is scandalous problem of perfectly good food being thrown away.

http://www.theweek.co.uk/uk-news/58667/supermarket-chiefs-ignore-expiry-dates

What do I really know about it? Am I writing an opinion piece or do I know a little more?

From 1985-1994, I worked for Waitrose supermarkets. During that period, I held various management positions, including, fruit and veg manager, deli manager and fresh fish assistant manager. I attended fresh food handling and management courses.

The dates on food have 'lead' times. That is, time in days, before the foodstuff is considered out of date. It was known in the 1980s, that the high-end supermarkets had shorter 'lead' times, just to be on the really fresh side of things. eg: A pack of butter or bottle of milk from M & S or Waitrose, would have a shorter 'lead' time, than the identical product in Tesco, Sainsburys, Asda, Co-op. I don't know if this still happens, but I guess that it does.

I wince, but say nothing, when I see people throwing away perfectly good food. They are frightened that they will be poisoned. I have friends using their tried and tested common sense, but when their children visit home, the children panic at the sight of something past the printed date and throw it away. 

Personally, I will smell and touch fresh fish and meat and wouldn't take a chance, if I thought something felt or smelt odd. This means that on a few occasions, I have thrown away something within the date displayed.

I ignore the dates on milk products. eg: yogurts and cheese can last weeks passed the printed date. With eggs, I use the eggs in water test. As for the dates on tinned produce, some of it is ludicrous.

I was pleased to read this article in the Mail Online today. 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2641993/Foods-eat-WEEKS-best-date-From-vegetables-chicken-tell-fresh-eat.html

The foods you can eat WEEKS after their best-before date: From vegetables to chicken, we reveal how you can tell if it's still fresh enough to consume . . .

• We throw out seven million tonnes of food and drink a year

• If average family thought before they threw, they could save £60 a month

• Food is often edible past its best-before date

• Here's how to tell...

By ROSE PRINCE

PUBLISHED: 22:34, 28 May 2014 | UPDATED: 08:21, 29 May 2014

Why do we do it? A perfectly good salmon fillet is chucked away because it is just past its best-before date. As a food writer, author and cook, I despair.

We throw out seven million tonnes of food and drink a year (19 per cent of what we buy), the majority of which could have been eaten.

According to the campaign Love Food Hate Waste, if the average family thought before they threw, they could save £60 a month. 

So, last week I cheered as senior supermarket executives from Sainsbury's, Waitrose and the Co-op admitted they regularly ignore expiry dates at home. 'The rule is: smell it,' said one manager from Morrisons.

Food is often edible past its best-before date. You just need to exercise common sense and use your eyes, hands and nose to determine how far you can go.

Here are my tips on how to tell if food is still fresh enough to eat...

TOMATOES

For ripeness, you can't beat a tomato a week or two past its best-before date. The softer and wrinklier the better!

Unlike most vegetables, tomatoes get sweeter rather than starchier with time. Even if the fleshy insides look dark rather than yellow-orange, they are fine.

I'd avoid them only if they become watery, grow mould or have a whiff of alcohol

FISH FILLETS

Filleted raw fish, such as cod, salmon and haddock, stays edible up to four weeks after catching, provided it is kept refrigerated below five degrees.

It stays safe, but will not taste good. Fish can take up to three weeks to get from the sea to the supermarket and because the date it's caught doesn't appear on the packaging, it's important to take care.

White fish should look translucent with glossy skin, no smell and the flesh should stay springy but firm when pressed.

If the flesh looks cloudy, leaves an indentation when pressed or smells of soap, chuck it.

The stale ammonia smell comes from lactic acid in disintegrating flesh. If the fish looks green, avoid like the plague.

Waste: We throw away 19 per cent of what we buy

ICE CREAM

Even if kept in the freezer, ice cream has a surprisingly short shelf life. This is because it has a high fat content - thanks to all the double cream - so never fully freezes. It will lose its fresh flavour within three months.

If ice cream darkens, tastes sour or of yoghurt or cream cheese, it's time to bin it.

PATE & SAUSAGES

There's not a lot of leeway with processed meats. Don't risk more than one day past the sell-by date.

When meat is processed, chopped or minced, it is exposed to bacteria such as E.coli, campylobacter or listeria in the air, which grow quickly even when refrigerated. If it looks dry or has a mouldy tinge, throw it away. If the sausage or burger is sticky rather than smooth and shiny, or has a darker hue, don't eat it.

EGGS

I've eaten eggs up to five weeks after buying, but mostly it's wise to use them within three weeks of their best-before date.

To test, drop the egg into a glass of water. If it floats, it's gone off because as it ages, more air gets inside the shell through microscopic holes. At the same time, the moisture content  begins to evaporate, so the egg dries out. If it sinks, it's fine to eat.

Look for a red lion stamp on your egg box, which means it comes from a hen that has been vaccinated against salmonella.

Dig in: If there's no sign of mould, yoghurt can be eaten two months after the sell by date

YOGHURT

I've eaten yoghurt up to two months after the sell-by date.

When it is made it undergoes a lactic fermentation process, a preservation method that stabilises fresh milk to make it last.

Throw away if you spot the faintest speck of mould - which on yoghurt can come in all colours of the rainbow. But if it looks clean and fresh, and tastes good, you should be fine.

BEEF

Well-hung beef can taste fantastic after as long as five weeks and is quite safe if cooked well. You can easily stretch the best-before date by a few days.

But if rotten and putrid smelling, then it's a sign that red meat has gone off.

I've been known to eat beef even if it has a few mouldy spots. I take a clean cloth and wipe it with vinegar to remove bacteria before cooking. Roast it at a high heat and the outer layer, which has the most pathogenic potential, will be well cooked and the bacteria killed.

Cook until it is well done all the way through (which you always need to do if it's past its best-before date) and there will be little or no bacteria.

FLOUR AND SPICES

Ground spices such as chilli powder, paprika and cayenne can last for more than six months if they are labelled as 'steam pasteurised', 'fumigated with chemical gases' or 'radiated' - which means they've been sterilised to kill off mites.

These microscopic insects live in dry foods such as flour and spices. You won't be able to see them, but you might notice tiny pock marks where they've been burrowing down into food.

Mites spread fungal spores and can cause rashes and itches, so bin anything you see with pock marks.

CHICKEN

Unlike fish, chicken deteriorates quickly.

The faintest whiff of rotting flesh or sour milk means it needs chucking, but give it a rinse under cool water before smelling to double-check the smell isn't coming from the packaging. Generally, don't risk eating chicken more than a day or two after its use-by date.

Often, after slaughter, the chicken is made easier to pluck by putting it in a simmering water bath to loosen the feathers, which accelerates the growth of bacteria.

This is how 99 per cent of the chickens sold in Britain are prepared.

Dry-plucked chicken (using hot wax, much like with human hair waxing) is a safer alternative and will last longer. Look for the processing method on the label.

Interview: INDIA STURGIS

@AlisonRRussell2014 and +Daily Mail 

Don't be afraid of change. Acceptance and Adapting.

The monthly column in The York Press on Monday, May 7th 2014
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11192230.Mind__body___soul__Don___t_be_afraid_of_change/

We started to drive to Pickering. The opening of John Lewis in York was mentioned on the radio. There was a lump in my throat, just as there had been, when Waitrose opened in the city in 2010.  Am I shopaholic? Not at all.

I moved to York from Buckinghamshire in 1994, leaving behind a good job at Waitrose. I had to adapt, start all over again and look for new opportunities.  If either Waitrose or John Lewis had been opened in 1994, I would probably still be working with them. It is most unlikely that there would be a published book or a regular newspaper column. I felt emotional about the unexpected achievements over twenty years, against all expectations.

My husband, Adrian, felt there was something wrong with the car’s steering and so we drove straight to the garage.  Pete, an acknowledged workaholic, was ready to help, as usual. But there had been changes since we last saw him. He told us that he’d been Christmas shopping with his wife in Newcastle last December, when he experienced a heart attack.

Pete had downsized, opened less days a week, chose his jobs carefully and was retraining to teach mechanics at college. He was thriving.

I looked at the two men, looking healthy and thought how near death they had both been in the previous six months. Both men had experienced different, out of the blue, life threatening ill health. Both are alive due to the expertise of the NHS. Both have dealt with shock and adjustment. Both have embraced the change and the chance to reassess their lives. Adrian looked at me. “You’re going to write about this, aren’t you?” Correct.

I thought of the chef, Gordon Ramsey, whose dream of being a professional footballer was thwarted by injury and he had to change his plans.

I thought of the artist Henri Matisse, who stopped painting due to ill health, but found that he could sit in bed with a pair of scissors and paper instead. He said, “why didn’t I do this earlier?”  The exhibition of his ‘cut-outs ‘ is at The Tate Modern until September.

I thought of the Paralympians.

The common factor is that after the initial shock and adjustment, the people mentioned, didn’t look to blame and lose control of their situation. They took personal responsibility to change and took control instead.

Reflection

There are many inspirational quotes available, though often, people prefer to collect them, rather than put them into action. 

This is my favourite quote. If actioned, it would lead to less emotional health problems, waiting lists for therapists and questionable prescriptions.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller.

©AlisonRRussell2014

The Cinderella Law - let's be realistic.

On March 31st, the Government announced that they were proposing a law against severe emotional abuse of children. It was quickly renamed the ‘Cinderella Law’.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-26814427

http://www.actionforchildren.org.uk/campaigns/campaigns-blog/2014/april/why-we-should-talk-about-child-abuse-and-not-about-cinderella-#.U2EfUF6DTwI

I believe this law is unworkable and successful prosecutions will be impossible. The winners will be the lawyers.

I support action to reduce any type of abuse of children and my favourite charity is ChildLine. I support as much discussion as possible on the subject and what follows is my pennyworth.

The proposal is for a law which states: 

Emotional abuse can include continually singling out a child, humiliation, repeated verbal attacks or forcing them to suffer degrading punishments.

If the law, as it stands today, sometimes has problems proving what has caused brain damage or broken limbs in childhood, how can the law interpret what a child experienced and feels is humiliation or a degrading punishment? And who is administering the abuse and will face prosecution?

The level of abuse is complex too. Most abusive verbal comments in childhood, can be thrown aside and dismissed, as the child matures emotionally into an adult. Sometimes, one throwaway comment can cause a lifetime of emotional health problems. The problems are not black and white. The context, tonality and interpretation will all have to be taken into account. 

Action for Children appears to focus on parenting, but emotional abuse as listed above, can come a variety of people.

• Parents
• Grandparents
• Siblings
• Other children.
• Other family members
• Teachers and school staff
• Church leaders
• Youth organisations leader

Will they all be included? They should be if the law is to be credible. But I suggest that the consequences will be unworkable.

The majority of mental health problems are actually emotional health problems. The majority of emotional health problems arise from a fundamental feeling of ‘not being good enough'.  Feeling not good enough to be loved or to receive attention in healthy ways being the main ones. The majority of these ‘not good enough’ feelings arise in childhood and could be attributed to an action that may be construed as emotional abuse by the new law.

This is one of the reasons medication isn’t always effective, but solution-focused therapies working on emotions, thoughts and behaviours can more successful in helping an adult manage their emotions in a more mature way.

There is no denying that emotional abuse exists and it can be very cruel and traumatise young people. It can traumatise older people too. But it will be impossible to prove in a court of law. Surely, every individual can say that at some point in their life, they were criticised, humiliated, punished and teased by one or several people. Perhaps they were, but was it emotional abuse?

The following are real cases. Would they, could they, should they come to court?

• The middle-aged woman with a travelling phobia, which was putting her career in jeopardy. It was rooted to feelings of inadequacy because at her eighth birthday party, her  mother welcomed a friend to her party by saying, “oh don’t you look pretty?” “Should I tell my mother that she ruined my life?”, she asked.
• Parents who don’t support their child in their activities, leaving a resentful adult. eg: The father who only enjoys motor sports and so never watched his son play football, even when he was in competitions.
• The man whose marriage broke up due to his tantrums. Often around times when his wife and children were going out and he couldn’t join them. Rooted in a childhood, where he had to stay in and do piano practice and wasn’t allowed to play out with friends.
• The woman whose adult anxiety was driven by her older siblings telling her that she was a child of woe because she was born on a Wednesday?
• The sixty year old, who told me recently that their life was ruined when their brother was born when he was five and his mother became unwell.
• The mother who couldn’t take her children into town shopping or to London to see the sights, because of a pigeon phobia. Rooted in siblings terrifying her with a feather duster and saying her pillows were full of dead birds.
• The numerous people with disabling problems with perfection due to parental/educational admonishments if something wasn’t completed perfectly. 
• The excruciating embarrassment that teenagers can feel when with their parent in company.
• Children smothered by ‘helicopter parenting’, who don’t know how to manage adult life events on their own.
• Healthy children still in nappies in primary school.
• The numerous relationship problems arising from one parent transferring their suppressed anger and resentment, often quite unconsciously, to the child that most resembles their partner.
• The feelings of humiliation of always being chosen last in team games at school.
• The constant being ‘picked on’ by a teacher or organisation leader.

For physical and emotional abuse by a grandparent and the reasons behind it, Felicity Davis’s childhood makes sobering reading.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Felicity-Davis/e/B006TZ8A84

If the law is aimed at parents, what about the emotional mayhem caused to children by:

• Parents separating and divorcing.
• Parents/grandparents dying.
• Parents with addictions and obsessions.
• Parents/siblings with ill health problems.
• Famous or high achieving parents.
• Parents who are too liberal or too strict.
• Redundancy.
• Relocation.

As I’ve gone through life, I’m quite surprised that its other people who can recall incidents of humiliation, degrading punishments and verbal attacks, of which, I was on the receiving end. I recall many, but not all. Most of it was due to people who were stressed, using acceptable language and behaviour for that time in history or just peer group behaviour.

My own behaviour? Could my children, my school friends, the children I cared for, find a reason to blame me for something. Probably.  That throwaway comment, the loss of temper, the moment of frustration, the immaturity, the toe-curling embarrassment.

Rather than repeat myself, one of the chapters in the book is about blame. I’ve ‘cut and paste’ parts of the chapter before its final edit. 

                                         Chapter 12

                          “It’s not my fault. They did it.”

                                Taking Responsibility

Quote:   “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” Robert Anthony 

Why do we, as adults, so readily blame others for actions that we have personally taken? Because we did it as children and haven’t grown up to take mature, adult responsibility. We were frightened that we’d get into trouble, so said anything that would take the blame away from us. Did we really like ourselves then when we dumped someone else in it? It might of got us out of immediate trouble, but did it make us feel good about ourselves? Immediately, yes probably. Later on though?  

It’s funny when we hear children saying silly things like “It wasn’t my fault, it was his or hers”, especially when it’s obvious it wasn’t. But is it any sillier than us saying “ It the government’s fault” 

Here are some everyday blaming statements. It’s wasn’t my fault...

• He wouldn’t get out of bathroom
• She didn’t put the alarm on
• It was the dog/cat/kids
• The weather 

One of my favourites:

“ It’s not my fault, I wasn’t told.” “ Did you ask/listen?”  “ I shouldn’t have to”

Sports people provide endless illustrations of blaming something or someone else. A French player Zinadine Zadane,  who was playing in his last match, head butted an Italian opponent in the chest. In front of three billion people he didn’t get away with it, but what was his excuse. “The Italian had insulted his mother”. A teacher on a radio phone- in was in despair. “How can I teach my pupils to take responsibility. Every day in the playground, I hear, “ he called me mum a rude name.”

More recently, another footballer bit an opponent’s arm. The next day, children were doing a ‘Saurez’ in the playground and biting other children. 

I’m picking on footballers, because they get enormous publicity, but racing drivers, cyclists, golfers and tennis players all can behave in an immature, childish way. John McEnroe, the American tennis player is probably still the best example of stunted emotional growth ever seen and that was back in the 1970s. 

Footballers aren’t the only role models that we learn from. It’s astonishing how many politician’s mistakes are the media’s fault, when they are found out. 

When it comes to ourselves, there’s a whole army of institutions to blame:

• The speeding fine is the government’s fault.
• Our bounced cheque is the bank’s fault. 
• Being overweight is the food manufacture’s fault. 
• Being late is the transport company’s fault
• Getting drunk is the pub’s fault.
• Going to bed late is the TV company’s fault.

One of my husband’s colleagues was describing a relative, “"It was not that the glass is half full or half empty, but a case of 'Who's been drinking out of my glass?”

There are also so many people to blame: family, neighbours, teachers, classmates, bosses, colleagues, the weather forcaster.

Then there is the biggest of all. The fault of birth. Parents can’t win, but then Philip Larkin knew that, with his iconic poem, ‘This be the verse’ and it’s famous first line, “They f**k you up, your mum and dad”, which I’ve had quoted to me many times. (It's the 2nd verse that's more important.)

I have also heard all these as an explanation for present difficulties:

• I was an only child/I  was in a big family/I was the eldest child/I was the middle child/I was the youngest child”
• I wasn’t loved/ I was loved too much”
• I had no freedom/I had too much freedom”
• They didn’t care what I did/They cared too much what I did
• My parents divorced/My parents stayed together”
• I was suffocated/I was given to much independence”
• I was made to go to university/I wasn’t given a chance to go to university”
• My mother worked/My mother stayed at home”
• My parents divorced/My parents stayed together.”
• I was spoilt/I was neglected”
• I went to a school that was too academic./I went to a school that didn’t stretch me.”
• I’m an Aries/I was born on a Wednesday.”

and so on and so it goes on and a picture emerges. When something happens that we don’t like, we will tend to put the blame on to something/someone else.

Where is personal responsibility?

We do not live in isolation. We touch one another in our lives. Our words and deeds are like a pebble we drop in the water and the ripples can go on and on and on......But who threw the pebble? 

Do we blame our actions on someone or something else or do we take responsibility for our own actions?

©AlisonRRussell2014

Let the past go.

       
       The monthly column in the York Press. Published April 7th, 
       2014
              http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11131659.Mind__body___soul__Put_the_past_behind_you/
       
       Plus added paragraph*.

April’s Column

There were times recently, when I felt as if I was being hurled around the universe in Dr Who's Tardis. No adventures in the future, but numerous trips, both physical and emotional, into the past. These included two funerals, a college reunion, a BBC5Live anniversary reunion, a grandson in a school concert playing a superb Beatles medley and the first Mother's Day after my mother's death last year.

Emotions experienced ranged from hilarity, laughter, poignancy, joy, sadness to tears. To my surprise, most tears trickled down my cheek at the school concert.

Over two weeks, I met some wonderful, inspiring, courageous, ordinary people. People who reminded me of past loves, hurts, adventures, successes, failures, hopes and dashed expectations.  And that's the point. Whatever the experiences, they were all in the past.

It was boys at the concert that really bought this home. Two hundred teenage boys full of expectations of a future, just as I was, when listening to the Beatles music in the 1960s.  Expectations of life that will turn out to be nothing like they may be imagining. 

I discovered as a psychotherapist, that the majority of reasons people become unwell with emotional health problems, is that they are endeavouring to change things in their life that cannot be changed.  Too often people want to change the past and get stuck in therapy, on medication or with addictive behaviours, trying to do the impossible or waiting for the impossible to happen.

          * It came towards the end of a residential study week for the   
       psychotherapy diploma in 2000. The subject under discussion
       was 'Spare Capacity'. The tutor explained that, as therapists
       we should make sure we had 'spare capacity' for the work we
       were about to undertake. Physical and emotional spare        
       capacity.  I would add ethical principles too.

       So it was in 2010, when three years of family illness elsewhere
       in the UK, a house renovation and move, a downsizing of the
       practice and writing about the subject matter of emotional 
       maturity, that one day a client sat in front of me and my
       feelings were ones of frustration. Frustration that the client
      wanted to cling on to the past, believing it would change. They
      were not ready to change the present and future.

       I went home and knew that I had no spare capacity left. No
       spare capacity to 'care'.  I knew that I shouldn't see clients
       anymore. I couldn't be true to my ethical principles and run an
       ethical practice.

       I still felt I could help people and loved writing. As a result
       in 2013, the book was published and it gives me a deep sense
       of satisfaction, when feedback confirms that I made the right
       decision.
  
      Reflection

Imagine a rainbow.

It could be a memory of a real experience, or a figment of the imagination. 

We become lost in wonder at the rainbow’s form and the spectrum of rich colours in a changing sky. 

We are momentarily entranced and we marvel at the rainbow’s natural beauty and its transient nature.

Our eyes wander to where the end of it disappears... The image fades. 

It was a moment of innocent wonder and curiosity. 

For a few precious seconds the intrusion of our everyday activities was excluded. 

No harm was done. In fact, we may even feel uplifted.

Now, let us imagine another rainbow. 

Again, we become entranced by it, but this time we concentrate on where the rainbow ends. 

We remember the stories and myths we heard as children. 

Is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? 

A pot of gold that would provide a resolution to all our problems? 

We want it, and we want it now!

Leaving common sense and reason behind, we chase the end of the rainbow, again and again. 

We keep trying, but the end is just out of reach and always unobtainable. 

We feel disappointed, frustrated and weary. 

Will we ever reach it? No. The pot of gold of resolution is the delusion in the illusion, but we continue to reach for and chase the end of the rainbow. 

In fact, the more we try, the more we can become deluded. 

We can become emotionally and physically unwell.

©AlisonRRussell2014