Resilience - nature or nurture?

When the previous blog was posted on Facebook, there followed a few comments.

Pam Young Great piece .. Is an explanation just an excuse? Sometimes the 'back story' does explain the behaviour and eg for trauma this can be unconscious. At work I heard so many horrendous back stories I stopped judging ..

Like · Reply · 31 July at 20:12

Rita Leaman Thanks Pam. Is an explanation a reason that could be used as an excuse? It has always fascinated me that while there will always be awful back stories, which can provide reasons for behaviours, what is it that stops some people using those back storie...See more

Like · Reply · 31 July at 20:45

Pam Young You're the best person to answer that Rita - but u clearly didn't feel helpless ! Your mum sounded tough? Education? Absence of poverty? Who knows but resilience is the greatest asset! X x

Like · Reply · 31 July at 20:54

Rita Leaman Nature v nurture again. Was bloody-minded from a very early age and disliked being told what to do. Stood me in good stead in the end as I question most things! Re: education, see next column!!

Like · Reply · 2 · 31 July at 21:04

Luke Ryan The only way to truly learn, is to question.

Like · Reply · 1 · 1 August at 08:01

This has been a matter for discussion for decades and will continue to be so. It was timely when this article appeared online a few days later by Pam Ramsden

Why do traumatic experiences haunt some people while making others more resilient?

https://inews.co.uk/essentials/lifestyle/wellbeing/traumatic-experiences-haunt-people-making-others-resilient/

I wrote about Resilience in the book, 'Are you Chasing Rainbows?'. This is from Chapter 4.

On a training course, some shop managers took a question and answer session. One of the questions was: “What qualities do you need to be a good manager?” One of the managers answered: “Resilience. You need to be like a Weeble [a famous children’s toy] – they always wobble but they don’t fall down.”
I couldn’t work out what he was talking about. I found out two years later, the hard way. I had risen up the management ladder and was considered to be doing well. I was moved to a shop in a nearby town, but couldn’t believe how different the working environment could be. It wasn’t a happy time: I struggled and, in a dramatic fit of pique on one afternoon some six months later, I wrote my resignation. It was accepted.
Now I was in a mess: I needed a job and my status had fallen to zero. I had just thrown away the best company I would ever work for. I drove home, past my old shop. I parked and went back there: goodness knows what a sight I must have been. The

manager was on the shopfloor. I begged him to take me back as a straightforward shop floor assistant. He was concerned that I would have trouble making the transition backwards – he need not have worried; I was in a state of shock.
A couple of weeks later, when the tears wouldn’t stop coming, even on the shop floor, I was given some time off. It was a horrible time. I returned rested and ready to move up the ladder again, steadily and more slowly this time. It took a year, but I did it.
It gave me the biggest learning experience of my life. The actor and director Ben Affleck, who stood up at the Oscars to receive the Best Picture award in 2013 for Argo – 15 years after his first Oscar and through the highs and lows of film-making – said the following words:
“I want to thank them and I want to thank what they taught me, which is that you have to work harder than you think you possibly can. You can’t hold grudges. It’s hard but you can’t hold grudges – and it doesn’t matter how you get knocked down in life, because that’s going to happen. All that matters is you gotta get up.”
I understood completely. 

©AlisonRRussell2016

Actions, consequenses and Brexit.

This is the Wellbeing Column published in the York Press on Tuesday, July 26th, 2016.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14639318.Body__mind_and_soul_Thinking_about_consequences/

When writing last month’s column on managing our emotions after life events, little did I realise how prescient I was being. Within days, the English football supporters were grieving their loss, quickly followed by the result of the Referendum, which appeared to cause collective shock worldwide.  Before the Referendum and with a regular call for ‘facts’, I had light-heartily supplied some facts on my Facebook page. They included, that within months, we would hear, “I didn’t think that would happen.” In fact, those words were being expressed within hours of the result.

The words, “I didn’t think that would happen…” transported me to childhood. After yet another misdemeanour, I would try to explain my actions to my furious mother. No sooner had the words, “I didn’t think…(that would happen)”, been uttered, my mother would return the words, “That’s right, you didn’t think.”  

At what age children know right from wrong is a continual point for debate. What we do know, is that the ability to fully comprehend that consequences arise from actions, doesn’t occur until the emotional brain has matured later in life. EQ stands for Emotional Intelligence and has little to do with IQ (Intelligence Quotient.) Hence, when intelligent adults are sometimes emotionally immature, their behaviour is difficult to understand and challenging to work and live with. It is being generated in a different part of their brain from their logical thinking.

Unimagined consequences can continue to occur for months and years from the initial action. It’s called ‘the ripple effect.’ The last few weeks have provided us all with a profound illustration of this effect. Personal comprehension of actions and consequences, usually arrives along with learning to take personal responsibility instead of blaming others.  “It’s not my fault’ is a childish expression, spoken by too many adults. It was only when I was eighteen, that I stopped some anti-social behaviour which had been part of my life for ten years. I suddenly ‘grew up’ and saw the possible consequences of my actions.  To blame domestic circumstances would have been easy, but not helpful in taking me through adult life. 

There are always reasons behind our behaviours, but making them excuses is giving away personal control to change and make a difference. 

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”  Andy Warhol

©Alisonrussell2016

When life events makes you stop and think.

On Tuesday, June 21st 2016, this column was published in the York Press. I did not write it with the Referendum or the European Cup in my mind at all. But it was perhaps prescient.

In the circumstances, I have added to it.*

 http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14569462.Body__Mind_and_Soul__When_life_makes_you_reassess_future_plans/

It had been a good week. I was feeling fit and healthy as I walked to my volunteer work in the hospital. Before going on the ward I visited the cafe. Then I had a blackout and became a patient, rather than a helper. A week later, I went to the GP to report symptoms of post concussion. We agreed that recovery would be 50% psychological. So it has proved.

There are some life events that make you stop and have to reassess future plans. Sometimes we have a warning of them and have some control over our reactions. At other times they are sudden and we have little control. In many situations there will be sense of loss as we adjust to new circumstances and we will grieve for the past. It can be a loss anything, such as, a person, job, relationship, home, freedom, appearance, money, abilities. Our emotional brain needs to work through the process of grief.

* Are there stages or processes of grief? There is much debate and some controversy over the suggestion. These are the suggested stages: shock, denial, anger, blame, acceptance. Some people dislike the fact that the brain processes shock and grief in a natural way over a period of time. They feel as if it negates their own experience. A period of healing and each person will have their own personal timeline. They feel that their own experience is different and not a process or anything else that sounds manufactured.  From my personal and professional experience, I believe the framework is a good one to work with. Ill health can arise from any of the stages and certainly people can get 'stuck' in one stage before moving to the next, if they ever do. Time can heal, but only if you allow it to. If you think that is wrong, reflect on your own experiences and of those you have come into contact with.

In only the three days since the result of the Referendum, I can observe people who have moved on past the initial shock and denial and now working through anger and blame. 

Returning to the column

What have I learnt?

Treat yourself kindly:  A physical injury often means that we are forced to stop for a while and give the injury time to heal. An emotional injury also takes time to recover from, but we can rush the healing time.

Time to think: When the certainties of life are thrown up in the air, the brain can feel as if it’s in a spin-dryer. We need time for the brain confusion to settle down and to think logically over future choices, perhaps sharing our thoughts with someone else.

Share your feelings and fears: Any sort of illness can set the imagination going.  However strong a person we are, it is healthier to share our feelings and fears, rather than dwell on possibilities on our own. Even health professionals need to share and cry.

Replacement activities: If the loss means we have to stop doing something, then we need to find something else to replace it. We need to concentrate on what we do have and can do, not on what we don’t have and can’t do.

Accept change. This is challenging and takes time.

Count blessings and live day by day. There is much to be thankful for on a daily basis. 

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.” Hippocrates

©AlisonRRussell2016

Like plants, we will thrive if our needs are met.

This is the *extended Wellbeing column published in the York Press on Tuesday May 24th, 2016.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14530262.Body__Mind_and_Soul__Solution_focused_problem_solving/

The sun is shining at last and the garden beckons. Like all gardeners, I have been looking at the flower beds and pots to observe what has survived over the past few months. Also attempting to get to the weeds and slugs before they take over.

It really doesn’t matter what the weather conditions have been, some plants will have thrived and others will have not. The same species of plant will have done better in one part of the garden than in another.

I loved furnishing the practice rooms in York, which naturally included plants. I bought two identical cuttings from a plant I had at home. One pot I put in the front, sunny room and the other pot I placed in another room, near a large window, but in the shade all day.

Over the years the plants grew. The plant in the front room flourished. It grew tall and bushy with glossy leaves. The other plant had stunted growth and wrinkled leaves. Both plants were looked after with the same care, but their environments were different. One plant thrived and the other did not. I took photos of them and used the pictures to illustrate presentations on how a human being will thrive if their needs are met in healthy ways. 

In therapy sessions, I used a Needs Audit with the clients. For some people, basic needs should be addressed. Those of food, shelter, clothing, warmth and money. Then there are  the emotional needs of security, a sense of control, social interaction, friendship, sense of community, meaning and purpose and being stretched. Are they being met? Healthily or unhealthily?

A change of circumstances should lead to a reassessment. For example, retirement,  a chronic health condition, relocation, empty nest and unemployment. As well as checking on unmet needs, the audit can also show where someone’s needs are being met, but in unhealthy or unhelpful ways. For instance, in addictive behaviours.

I was pleased to see that the organisation Victim Support has changed its focus in the twenty years since I last worked with them. There is a form to fill in on visits, about the person’s needs and if they are being met. Solution-focused problem solving. 

I like it.
©AlisonRRussell2016

As a reminder of the emotional needs: 

• Love – loving and being loved
• Attention – giving and receiving attention
• Personal value – feeling good enough
• Privacy – having one’s own space
• Safety – feeling secure
• Control – feeling a sense of control
• Achievement – succeeding while being stretched
• Friends – for fun and friendship
• Social group – being part of one 

As a therapist I observed that the majority of clients had felt 'not good enough' at some time in their younger life. I adapted the adult audit I was given in training. 

How well were your innate emotional needs met as a young person? 

Nature has programmed all of us with physical and emotional needs. These are the ‘human givens’ that cannot be avoided. How stressed we are now, can sometimes depend on how well we felt our needs were being met as a young person. This can be real or perceived.  Rate, in your judgement, how well the following emotional needs were met in your younger life, on a scale of one to seven (where 1 means not met at all, and 7 means being very well met).

Did you feel secure in all major areas of your life                    0........................................................................7

(such as your home, school, environment)? 

Did you feel you received enough attention?                           0.........................................................................7

Did you think you gave other people enough attention?        0..........................................................................7

Did you feel in control of your life most of the time?            0..........................................................................7

Did you feel part of the wider community?                            0..........................................................................7

Were you able to obtain privacy when you needed to?       0..............................................................................7

Did you have an intimate relationship in your life?           0...............................................................................7

(one where you are totally physically and emotionally 

accepted for who you are by at least one person, this 

could be a close friend)? 

Did you feel an emotional connection to others?                0..............................................................................7 

Did you feel you have status that was acknowledged?       0..............................................................................7

Did you complete tasks and show a skill or gift in at least 

one area of your life?                                                          0..............................................................................7

Were you mentally and/or physically stretched in ways 

which gave you a sense of meaning and purpose?              0..............................................................................7

If your scores are mostly low, you are more likely to be suffering stress symptoms. 

If any need is scored 3 or less this is likely to be a major stressor for you. 

Even if only one need is marked very low it can be enough of a problem to seriously effect your mental and emotional stability. 

Stress, anxiety, anger, depression and addiction are the result of our innate needs not being met, either due to environmental factors, harmful conditioning or a misuse of imagination (worrying). 

People do not have mental health problems when their innate needs are being met in balanced, healthy ways. By highlighting areas in your life where your essential needs aren’t being met as 

well as they could be, you can use this questionnaire to help you think constructively about how your life could be improved. 
*(Adapted from training material www.hgi.org.uk)

*Did you ever have feelings of ‘not being good enough‘ as a young person?                            Yes/No

If yes, how old were you? .............

What particular area of your life? ......................................................

Do those feelings affect your life now? Yes or No

If so, how?..........................................................................................

Perhaps your adult age is sometimes hijacked by the emotional brain of a younger person? If it is and the resulting behaviour is ultimately unhelpful, then you can change it.

A client once left the practice and on the doorstep on to the street said, "I came in here like a boy and now I'm going out like a man." I was thankful no-one was passing who might have misunderstood!

©AlisonRRussell2016

Imagine a rainbow - Mental Heath Awareness Week 2016

I wrote this for an advertisement in 2006. It seemed to sum up the majority of problems that my clients presented. I later used it as the preface for the book.

Imagine a rainbow. 
It could be a memory of a real experience, or a figment of the imagination. 
We become lost in wonder at the rainbow’s form and the spectrum of rich colours in a changing sky. 
We are momentarily entranced and we marvel at the rainbow’s natural beauty and its transient nature.
Our eyes wander to where the end of it disappears... 
The image fades. It was a moment of innocent wonder and curiosity. 
For a few precious seconds the intrusion of our everyday activities was excluded. 
No harm was done. 
In fact, we may even feel uplifted.

Now, let us imagine another rainbow. 
Again, we become entranced by it, but this time we concentrate on where the rainbow ends. 
We remember the stories and myths we heard as children. Is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? 
A pot of gold that would provide a resolution to all our problems? We want it, and we want it now!
Leaving common sense and reason behind, we chase the end of the rainbow, again and again. 
We keep trying, but the end is just out of reach and always unobtainable. 
We feel disappointed, frustrated and weary. Will we ever reach it? No. 
The pot of gold of resolution is the delusion in the illusion, but we continue to reach for and chase the end of the rainbow. 
The more we try, the more we can become deluded. 
We can become emotionally and physically unwell. 

©AlisonRRussell2016

Would you be a friend to yourself? Self awareness.

This is the *extended article, which was published in The York Press on Tuesday, April 5th, 2016.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/features/14421072.Body__Mind_and_Soul__Observing_ourselves_is_the_way_to_develop_real_insight/?ref=mac

I have been visiting friends, who are unwell and feeling rough.  Ann is post operative and Sarah is having chemotherapy. Both friends have experienced some truly horrible times through life, as well as good times. We talk, discuss problems and laugh. I commended Ann on her attitude and she replied, “Well, if I was miserable all the time, no-one would want to come and visit me.” When I said much the same to Sarah, she replied, “What’s the point of making everyone else miserable, just because I’m going through it?” 

Ann and Sarah have personal insight and a mature level of self-awareness. They are not self-absorbed and think of and help others too.  

Their comments made me think of the focus on loneliness in the media at the moment and I thought of people who moan rather too much.

* In life there are people with whom we interact and can come away energised, even if the conversation has contained negative elements. There are other people where we can feel drained after spending time in their company. Therapists are taught to protect themselves from the negativity that can naturally exist in a therapy session. There can be times when, if not careful, a therapist can feel  that the client has plugged into the therapist's energies and drained them. It's one of the reasons I chose to be a solution-focused therapist. Despite the problems aired, how much more positive it was to focus on the client's resources and how they were going to be used in finding solutions.  

One of the motivators in finding a more positive approach in mental health came as a nursing assistant and thus, an observer, working on an acute psychiatric ward twenty years ago. I was appalled after the morning get-together, when the patients would come out of the room, most of them with heads down, crying, walking in a line along the corridor (lined with boxes of tissues!), as if they were covered in a shroud of misery, which of course, they were. Sitting in a room for an hour, all feeding off each other's misery could only lead one way. That way was downwards.

In my studies, I was taught about the invaluable ‘Observing Self’. Imagine an internal CCTV.  The ability to look at yourself in situations and think about how you are behaving. Perhaps not a comfortable exercise, but very helpful. I’m tall and sometimes use my Observing Self in situations where I become aware that I’m perhaps standing a little too close, maybe speaking too loud too, perhaps too intrusively. I don't always get it right, but I try to be self-aware.

A client told me that he didn’t have any friends. Despite further discussion, he couldn’t elaborate. So I asked him to imagine he was taking me to his local pub. He had to imagine that we walked into the pub and could see him standing at the bar. I suggested that we went to talk to him. As quick as a flash, he told me not to, because he wasn’t very nice. I asked him why he wasn’t very nice. He said he pinched his friend’s girlfriends. He had used his Observing Self and now we had something concrete to work with.

*I have had to withdraw from a couple of friendships, because the negativity and lack of self awareness was draining me. It's sad, because others have felt like that too. It may appear selfish to some people, but we need to protect ourselves from harmful relationships, otherwise we can become unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.

We all love a moan and a gossip, but there is a limit.  The limit is when people withdraw from your company. Would you want to talk to you, visit you, help you, introduce friends to you? If not, why not? 

Can you change your attitude? Ann and Sarah know that you cannot change events, but you can change your attitude to them. 

Small changes can bring big differences.

©AlisonRRussell2016