Change, loss and grieving.

This is the extended* article first published in the The York Press on Tuesday, February 5th 2019

https://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/17402444.column-adjusting-to-change-can-be-like-grief/

There is no subject on which everyone agrees 100%. It can be eye-opening that such diverse views are held on any subject. 

* Sometime I am astonished at the 360 degree views that can be held on anything. Everyday, politics, the Arts and ordinary news stories provide such a diversity of opinions. Any letters page in a newspaper or feedback on online forums and social media can reveal strongly held opposing views on any topic. While it's easy to understand some differing views, others can leave me open mouthed.  Another classic situation is family dynamics, when one family member will recall an incident in a very different way from another member. Many disagreements can follow and some for life.

Perhaps we should be more understanding of another person’s point of view, as we don’t know where their beliefs are rooted.  These were my thoughts when I read the vitriol directed towards Andy Murray.*

After a tearful Andy Murray was interviewed about his hip injury and future in tennis, there was a spectrum of opinions. I’m not a particular fan of the sportsman, but do understand the emotional challenge when we have to make life changes at times not of our choosing. It’s tough and takes time to adjust. 

Life events affecting ourselves or family, mean we have to make serious decisions, often leading to any future plans we may have, being thrown in the air, When we have some control over the timing of such decisions, it will present a challenge, but we have some control. When events mean that we’re forced to make unplanned decisions, it can be difficult, as we have lost control. Last week, I was talking with a friend whose life has been turned upside down due to her husband’s ill health. She is struggling to adapt.

In Michelle Obama’s inspiring autobiography, ‘Becoming’, she talks of the adjustment that she had to make, when her lawyer boyfriend wanted to go into politics. It wasn’t what she wanted and initially life in the fortress White House and her loss of control was challenging and she had to adapt. The former BBC Radio 2 presenter, Simon Mayo, is also coming to terms with life events, which were not of his choosing. Periods of adjustment can be experienced in stages. Shock, denial, anger, blame and acceptance. If these stages are familiar, they are the suggested stages of grief. Grief is about loss and can be felt about anything, a person, pet, work, ageing, freedom. I believe we often underestimate that in some situations, our emotional turmoil is due to grieving at loss. 

*Since the article was published, Simon Mayo has announced a new radio progamme on a new radio station. Publicity reveals that Simon has indeed gone through the stages mentioned above.* 

Disappointment and hurt can often lead to new opportunities, as long as our eyes and ears are open. 

* I return to my favourite saying from Helen Keller, " When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so often at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."*

Beginnings and endings

This is an extended* version of the Wellbeing column that was published in the York Press on Tuesday, October 4th 2016.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14778942.Body__Mind_and_Soul__Seize_the_day_/

While January 1st is considered the beginning of a New Year in the Gregorian calendar, for many people, there is a feeling of new beginnings in Autumn. The start of a new academic year and all the ‘Back to School’ signs in shops, can bring back memories from decades ago, of new uniform, shoes, pens, bags, classrooms and teachers. 

In my own life, this autumn will see some new beginnings. A new routine at home, the start of a new writing project and new bulb planting in the garden. These are beginnings to look forward to. Autumn also reminds my family of a time three years ago, when the doctors and nurses at Scarborough Hospital saved my husband’s life, one month after my mother’s death and two weeks before the publication of my first book. There were many new beginnings that Autumn, not all of them were welcome. 

Beginnings often involve endings too. While some endings can bring relief, they can also bring feelings of loss. If the ending has been sudden, rather than planned, there is usually some shock and trauma to manage too.  It can be tempting to dwell too much on the endings, rather than look forward to the opportunities that new beginnings can bring. The past is familiar, but the future is unknown and we can dwell in what is familiar, even if it makes us unhappy.

*After this was published, I spent some days with my four grandchildren, who live in other parts of the UK and so changes can be more noticeable. The passing of years seemed more striking this year, in their size, milestones and growing maturity. It was surprising to feel more emotional than usual. With a little self analysis, I could recognise that it was the sands of time that appeared to be gathering speed and I didn't like it. It was sobering to recognise hints of the very same behaviour in myself that I had written about in October's column. I was quietly grieving for the past and it hurt.  

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller

While getting my head around the changes in my own life, another quote has come to mind. 

“We live in the past or in the future; we are continually expecting the coming of some special moment when our life will unfold itself in its full significance. And we do not notice that life is flowing like water through our fingers.” Father Alexander Elchanov

I plan not to waste valuable time dwelling on what I can’t change or have no control over. I have time to make the most of each new day and see what tomorrow brings. There are always simple pleasures in each day, which can be appreciated. Seize the Day!

*I allowed myself to wallow for a short while, but knew there was only one healthy way forward. Onward!

©AlisonRRussell2016

When life events makes you stop and think.

On Tuesday, June 21st 2016, this column was published in the York Press. I did not write it with the Referendum or the European Cup in my mind at all. But it was perhaps prescient.

In the circumstances, I have added to it.*

 http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14569462.Body__Mind_and_Soul__When_life_makes_you_reassess_future_plans/

It had been a good week. I was feeling fit and healthy as I walked to my volunteer work in the hospital. Before going on the ward I visited the cafe. Then I had a blackout and became a patient, rather than a helper. A week later, I went to the GP to report symptoms of post concussion. We agreed that recovery would be 50% psychological. So it has proved.

There are some life events that make you stop and have to reassess future plans. Sometimes we have a warning of them and have some control over our reactions. At other times they are sudden and we have little control. In many situations there will be sense of loss as we adjust to new circumstances and we will grieve for the past. It can be a loss anything, such as, a person, job, relationship, home, freedom, appearance, money, abilities. Our emotional brain needs to work through the process of grief.

* Are there stages or processes of grief? There is much debate and some controversy over the suggestion. These are the suggested stages: shock, denial, anger, blame, acceptance. Some people dislike the fact that the brain processes shock and grief in a natural way over a period of time. They feel as if it negates their own experience. A period of healing and each person will have their own personal timeline. They feel that their own experience is different and not a process or anything else that sounds manufactured.  From my personal and professional experience, I believe the framework is a good one to work with. Ill health can arise from any of the stages and certainly people can get 'stuck' in one stage before moving to the next, if they ever do. Time can heal, but only if you allow it to. If you think that is wrong, reflect on your own experiences and of those you have come into contact with.

In only the three days since the result of the Referendum, I can observe people who have moved on past the initial shock and denial and now working through anger and blame. 

Returning to the column

What have I learnt?

Treat yourself kindly:  A physical injury often means that we are forced to stop for a while and give the injury time to heal. An emotional injury also takes time to recover from, but we can rush the healing time.

Time to think: When the certainties of life are thrown up in the air, the brain can feel as if it’s in a spin-dryer. We need time for the brain confusion to settle down and to think logically over future choices, perhaps sharing our thoughts with someone else.

Share your feelings and fears: Any sort of illness can set the imagination going.  However strong a person we are, it is healthier to share our feelings and fears, rather than dwell on possibilities on our own. Even health professionals need to share and cry.

Replacement activities: If the loss means we have to stop doing something, then we need to find something else to replace it. We need to concentrate on what we do have and can do, not on what we don’t have and can’t do.

Accept change. This is challenging and takes time.

Count blessings and live day by day. There is much to be thankful for on a daily basis. 

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.” Hippocrates

©AlisonRRussell2016