Who are you today?

This is the extended* Wellbeing column, first published in the York Press on Tuesday, November 8th.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14846854.Body_Mind_And_Soul__The_many_roles_we_play_as_life_unfolds/

A recently bereaved friend, Laura and I were having a chat and the subject of her new and unwelcome title of ‘widow’ came up. Further discussion revealed that Laura had other titles. She was also a mum, step-mum, sister, grannie, aunt, neighbour, friend, golf partner and cousin, to name just a few she could claim. Titles can also be labels.

As we were talking, I reflected on a recently hectic two weeks away. Time had been spent being a wife, sister, sister-in-law, mum, mother-in-law, grannie, aunt, schoolfriend, college friend and acquaintance. At times I felt like the comedian and magician, Tommy Cooper in his act where he kept changing hats and voices. Remaining at home was neighbour, writer, colleague, friend, volunteer and ‘me’.

These titles or labels, reveal the roles we have as life unfolds. It can be like a play with different scenes and actors who come and go, it certainly can border on a farce at times, tragedy at others. Or I like to think of a book with many chapters and characters, with each turn of the page providing the twists and turns in our story. Sometimes the focus can be on one role to the detriment of others. Perhaps it’s only temporary, but we need to remember the other roles we have. We can forget or have no time for ’me’, the narrator of our story. It’s not selfish to think of ones own needs and ‘me’ needs attention too, but in balance. Too little or too much ‘me’ leads to difficulties.

Illness and disability can be a title or label, especially if our needs are being met through playing this role. We should be careful of the role of victim. If played for too long, being a victim is ultimately psychologically and physically unhealthy. I was taught to ‘separate the person from the problem’. Saying, “I have an alcohol problem” rather than “I am an alcoholic” or ‘“I have episodes of depression”  rather than “I am a depressive’" can help people see that they are much more than their problem and therein will lie the solutions. 

*I have known people who have shared the same illness/disability, but the difference in managing their situation arises from their attitude. The people who live entirely in the role as a victim will not have as a fulfilled life, as the people to whom the illness/disability is only part of who they are.

Unhelpful labels that were given to us as children need to be challenged too.

* One of my first clients presented with anxiety problems. Almost immediately he explained that when he was a little boy, his mother used to introduce him to people they met as, "This is Peter, he's our anxious one." It had stuck with him all his life, but now he wanted to get rid of the label. Probably one of the most common labels from childhood, that adults can still feel attached to is, "you're stupid." It's so important to look at the context. Who said it? Why? What was going on? Is it really necessary to still keep that label now?  Throwaway comments made by parents, relatives, teachers and siblings can be extraordinarily unhelpful, if the child keeps them into adulthood. It can be a comment that hurt deeply, but as an adult with emotional maturity, we can see the fuller picture and see the comment for what it was. 

Unfortunately, we are given to recall the few negative words spoken in the millions we're heard over the years, rather than the positive ones. I'm reminded of an advertisement some years ago, with a cartoon demon character attempting to stop an adult taking a training course by whispering negative comments in her ear. It can happen to us every day and we need to blow raspberries at the demons and tell them to go away - strongly!

Meanwhile our story continues:

Let’s turn the page. I wonder what happens next?

©AlisonRRussell2016

When life events makes you stop and think.

On Tuesday, June 21st 2016, this column was published in the York Press. I did not write it with the Referendum or the European Cup in my mind at all. But it was perhaps prescient.

In the circumstances, I have added to it.*

 http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14569462.Body__Mind_and_Soul__When_life_makes_you_reassess_future_plans/

It had been a good week. I was feeling fit and healthy as I walked to my volunteer work in the hospital. Before going on the ward I visited the cafe. Then I had a blackout and became a patient, rather than a helper. A week later, I went to the GP to report symptoms of post concussion. We agreed that recovery would be 50% psychological. So it has proved.

There are some life events that make you stop and have to reassess future plans. Sometimes we have a warning of them and have some control over our reactions. At other times they are sudden and we have little control. In many situations there will be sense of loss as we adjust to new circumstances and we will grieve for the past. It can be a loss anything, such as, a person, job, relationship, home, freedom, appearance, money, abilities. Our emotional brain needs to work through the process of grief.

* Are there stages or processes of grief? There is much debate and some controversy over the suggestion. These are the suggested stages: shock, denial, anger, blame, acceptance. Some people dislike the fact that the brain processes shock and grief in a natural way over a period of time. They feel as if it negates their own experience. A period of healing and each person will have their own personal timeline. They feel that their own experience is different and not a process or anything else that sounds manufactured.  From my personal and professional experience, I believe the framework is a good one to work with. Ill health can arise from any of the stages and certainly people can get 'stuck' in one stage before moving to the next, if they ever do. Time can heal, but only if you allow it to. If you think that is wrong, reflect on your own experiences and of those you have come into contact with.

In only the three days since the result of the Referendum, I can observe people who have moved on past the initial shock and denial and now working through anger and blame. 

Returning to the column

What have I learnt?

Treat yourself kindly:  A physical injury often means that we are forced to stop for a while and give the injury time to heal. An emotional injury also takes time to recover from, but we can rush the healing time.

Time to think: When the certainties of life are thrown up in the air, the brain can feel as if it’s in a spin-dryer. We need time for the brain confusion to settle down and to think logically over future choices, perhaps sharing our thoughts with someone else.

Share your feelings and fears: Any sort of illness can set the imagination going.  However strong a person we are, it is healthier to share our feelings and fears, rather than dwell on possibilities on our own. Even health professionals need to share and cry.

Replacement activities: If the loss means we have to stop doing something, then we need to find something else to replace it. We need to concentrate on what we do have and can do, not on what we don’t have and can’t do.

Accept change. This is challenging and takes time.

Count blessings and live day by day. There is much to be thankful for on a daily basis. 

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.” Hippocrates

©AlisonRRussell2016