The final column, but not the final blog.

This column was first published in The Press York, on Tuesday, December 10th 2019.
https://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/18084705.column-final-wise-words-rita-leaman/

I was asked to contribute a monthly column to new Wellbeing pages in The Press, starting in January 2014. It was initially for six months and I was thrilled. After five months, I was asked if I would like to continue for another six months and that is how it has been for the last six years. It has been an opportunity that was better than I could have hoped. 

This year I thought that the columns could be put together in a book and that idea was realised last month in the publication of ‘Wise Words’. As if I’d had a premonition, the format of the newspaper is changing and this is to be the last Mind, Body and Soul column. Through seventy years. there have been many beginnings and endings in my life. The unexpected endings tend to be harder to manage emotionally than the expected ones and I have been expecting this ending for five and half years. There is still a sense of loss, but also a frisson of excitement about what might come next. 

Last Sunday, I was asked if asked if I did therapy on myself in stressful situations. I replied that I felt that if I wrote about how to manage emotions, then I should be willing to take my own advice and do some self-reflection at times. That is what I’m doing now. Understanding that I feel a little sad about this chapter of life coming to an end, but also recognising that new opportunities are out there, if I can get out of my comfortable chair and motivate myself. I would like to continue sharing some ‘Wise Words’ and at the moment, am tempted towards book readings with Q&A. 

My final ‘heal thyself’ advice is to finish with my favourite quote from Helen Keller. It describes many people with emotional health problems. ”When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” 

What could be through the door of 2020? 

Rita Leaman is a psychotherapist (www.chasingrainbows.org.uk.) She has recently published the 2014-2019 columns in a book, ‘Wise Words’. Available in paperback and on Kindle. https://amzn.to/34ukHJV 

Change, loss and grieving.

This is the extended* article first published in the The York Press on Tuesday, February 5th 2019

https://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/17402444.column-adjusting-to-change-can-be-like-grief/

There is no subject on which everyone agrees 100%. It can be eye-opening that such diverse views are held on any subject. 

* Sometime I am astonished at the 360 degree views that can be held on anything. Everyday, politics, the Arts and ordinary news stories provide such a diversity of opinions. Any letters page in a newspaper or feedback on online forums and social media can reveal strongly held opposing views on any topic. While it's easy to understand some differing views, others can leave me open mouthed.  Another classic situation is family dynamics, when one family member will recall an incident in a very different way from another member. Many disagreements can follow and some for life.

Perhaps we should be more understanding of another person’s point of view, as we don’t know where their beliefs are rooted.  These were my thoughts when I read the vitriol directed towards Andy Murray.*

After a tearful Andy Murray was interviewed about his hip injury and future in tennis, there was a spectrum of opinions. I’m not a particular fan of the sportsman, but do understand the emotional challenge when we have to make life changes at times not of our choosing. It’s tough and takes time to adjust. 

Life events affecting ourselves or family, mean we have to make serious decisions, often leading to any future plans we may have, being thrown in the air, When we have some control over the timing of such decisions, it will present a challenge, but we have some control. When events mean that we’re forced to make unplanned decisions, it can be difficult, as we have lost control. Last week, I was talking with a friend whose life has been turned upside down due to her husband’s ill health. She is struggling to adapt.

In Michelle Obama’s inspiring autobiography, ‘Becoming’, she talks of the adjustment that she had to make, when her lawyer boyfriend wanted to go into politics. It wasn’t what she wanted and initially life in the fortress White House and her loss of control was challenging and she had to adapt. The former BBC Radio 2 presenter, Simon Mayo, is also coming to terms with life events, which were not of his choosing. Periods of adjustment can be experienced in stages. Shock, denial, anger, blame and acceptance. If these stages are familiar, they are the suggested stages of grief. Grief is about loss and can be felt about anything, a person, pet, work, ageing, freedom. I believe we often underestimate that in some situations, our emotional turmoil is due to grieving at loss. 

*Since the article was published, Simon Mayo has announced a new radio progamme on a new radio station. Publicity reveals that Simon has indeed gone through the stages mentioned above.* 

Disappointment and hurt can often lead to new opportunities, as long as our eyes and ears are open. 

* I return to my favourite saying from Helen Keller, " When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so often at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."*

Beginnings and endings

This is an extended* version of the Wellbeing column that was published in the York Press on Tuesday, October 4th 2016.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14778942.Body__Mind_and_Soul__Seize_the_day_/

While January 1st is considered the beginning of a New Year in the Gregorian calendar, for many people, there is a feeling of new beginnings in Autumn. The start of a new academic year and all the ‘Back to School’ signs in shops, can bring back memories from decades ago, of new uniform, shoes, pens, bags, classrooms and teachers. 

In my own life, this autumn will see some new beginnings. A new routine at home, the start of a new writing project and new bulb planting in the garden. These are beginnings to look forward to. Autumn also reminds my family of a time three years ago, when the doctors and nurses at Scarborough Hospital saved my husband’s life, one month after my mother’s death and two weeks before the publication of my first book. There were many new beginnings that Autumn, not all of them were welcome. 

Beginnings often involve endings too. While some endings can bring relief, they can also bring feelings of loss. If the ending has been sudden, rather than planned, there is usually some shock and trauma to manage too.  It can be tempting to dwell too much on the endings, rather than look forward to the opportunities that new beginnings can bring. The past is familiar, but the future is unknown and we can dwell in what is familiar, even if it makes us unhappy.

*After this was published, I spent some days with my four grandchildren, who live in other parts of the UK and so changes can be more noticeable. The passing of years seemed more striking this year, in their size, milestones and growing maturity. It was surprising to feel more emotional than usual. With a little self analysis, I could recognise that it was the sands of time that appeared to be gathering speed and I didn't like it. It was sobering to recognise hints of the very same behaviour in myself that I had written about in October's column. I was quietly grieving for the past and it hurt.  

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller

While getting my head around the changes in my own life, another quote has come to mind. 

“We live in the past or in the future; we are continually expecting the coming of some special moment when our life will unfold itself in its full significance. And we do not notice that life is flowing like water through our fingers.” Father Alexander Elchanov

I plan not to waste valuable time dwelling on what I can’t change or have no control over. I have time to make the most of each new day and see what tomorrow brings. There are always simple pleasures in each day, which can be appreciated. Seize the Day!

*I allowed myself to wallow for a short while, but knew there was only one healthy way forward. Onward!

©AlisonRRussell2016

Don't be afraid of change. Acceptance and Adapting.

The monthly column in The York Press on Monday, May 7th 2014
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11192230.Mind__body___soul__Don___t_be_afraid_of_change/

We started to drive to Pickering. The opening of John Lewis in York was mentioned on the radio. There was a lump in my throat, just as there had been, when Waitrose opened in the city in 2010.  Am I shopaholic? Not at all.

I moved to York from Buckinghamshire in 1994, leaving behind a good job at Waitrose. I had to adapt, start all over again and look for new opportunities.  If either Waitrose or John Lewis had been opened in 1994, I would probably still be working with them. It is most unlikely that there would be a published book or a regular newspaper column. I felt emotional about the unexpected achievements over twenty years, against all expectations.

My husband, Adrian, felt there was something wrong with the car’s steering and so we drove straight to the garage.  Pete, an acknowledged workaholic, was ready to help, as usual. But there had been changes since we last saw him. He told us that he’d been Christmas shopping with his wife in Newcastle last December, when he experienced a heart attack.

Pete had downsized, opened less days a week, chose his jobs carefully and was retraining to teach mechanics at college. He was thriving.

I looked at the two men, looking healthy and thought how near death they had both been in the previous six months. Both men had experienced different, out of the blue, life threatening ill health. Both are alive due to the expertise of the NHS. Both have dealt with shock and adjustment. Both have embraced the change and the chance to reassess their lives. Adrian looked at me. “You’re going to write about this, aren’t you?” Correct.

I thought of the chef, Gordon Ramsey, whose dream of being a professional footballer was thwarted by injury and he had to change his plans.

I thought of the artist Henri Matisse, who stopped painting due to ill health, but found that he could sit in bed with a pair of scissors and paper instead. He said, “why didn’t I do this earlier?”  The exhibition of his ‘cut-outs ‘ is at The Tate Modern until September.

I thought of the Paralympians.

The common factor is that after the initial shock and adjustment, the people mentioned, didn’t look to blame and lose control of their situation. They took personal responsibility to change and took control instead.

Reflection

There are many inspirational quotes available, though often, people prefer to collect them, rather than put them into action. 

This is my favourite quote. If actioned, it would lead to less emotional health problems, waiting lists for therapists and questionable prescriptions.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller.

©AlisonRRussell2014