Thoughts and feelings passed their sell-by date.

On Saturday, June 27th, I had a letter published in the Yorkshire Post.

I had been prompted to write by opinions expressed the previous week on the comments by Naz Shah MP about Scarborough. She had some justifiable unhappy memories and was criticised for them.

https://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/news/opinion/letters/scarborough-defence-mp-naz-shahs-holiday-comments-yorkshire-post-letters-2896710

Dear Sir

The views of Scarborough from the childhood experiences of Naz Shah MP are valid and should not be ridiculed. People should be careful of criticising her. The majority of emotional and mental health problems in adulthood, arise from holding on to out-of-date feelings and thoughts from childhood. 

As a 14 and 15 year old London schoolgirl in 1963/4, I visited Yorkshire on two school holidays. I enjoyed staying in Bridlington, visiting Whitby, Goathland and York. One very wet day, with early closing, we visited Scarborough. Nothing was open and I thought it was the most miserable place I had ever visited and would never return. I kept that promise, avoiding it when bringing my children for a Yorkshire holiday in 1986 and unexpectedly moving to York in 1994. 

One day in 1996 I had to go to Scarborough for a meeting on South Cliff. It was a beautiful summer’s day and the view from the Esplanade overwhelmed me. I had made a judgement on one experience as a teenager and the result was my loss. It was time to form an opinion as an adult. In 2007 on a visit to a friend, we saw a house for sale and since 2010 have lived extremely happily in Scarborough enjoying its wonderful position on the coast and bordering the National Park. Our grandchildren will hold lifelong happy memories of their holidays here. 

Yours Sincerely

Rita Leaman (Real name)

As a PS: Around the same time I was never going to eat tomatoes or wear a skirt below my knee again. Fortunately I didn't keep to either vows! 

I have written a number of times about holding on to old thoughts and feelings from childhood, which in adulthood are well passed their sell-by date. These articles can be found on this blog using the word search and also in the books 'Wise Words' by Rita Leaman and 'Are you Chasing Rainbows?' by Alison R Russell.

©AlisonRRussell2020

Do chores ruin a happy childhood?

This is the extended* article, first published in the York Press on Tuesday, August 8th, 2017.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/15466661.Chores_should_be_part_of_childhood/

I was reading an article about large families and how working mothers manage their time. In three of the four families mentioned, the children did ‘chores’. Sometimes the children were paid and sometimes they were unpaid and the chores were just part of family routine. In one family the children did not do any chores and the mother’s reason for this was, “I want my children to have a happy childhood.” 

*I despaired. So often this and other variations comes from a parent's own childhood when they were made to do something they didn't like. However 'rosy' we may wish to make childrens' childhood, one day they will be faced with a real life with domestic responsibilities. Grown-ups having tantrums is not life or relationship enhancing for anyone.

Fortunately society has moved a long way from children being sent up chimneys and down mines, but reading the article, I did wonder how realistic it is to allow a child to grow up without taking their turn with chores, paid or unpaid. I was reminded of someone who told me that the reason they were unable to cope with some challenging life events was that, “my parents made my childhood too happy.” My grandchildren are staying with us again. They have happy times, but their stays always include chores. Some are paid, some are done with love.

* I recall hearing about the problem being a too happy childhood and knew then that if we wants to find blame, we can find it in anything. By that time I'd heard every variety of reasons for blaming others in the past for a present predicament. For as long as we puts the blame on something or someone else, which isn't going to change, it makes changing our own attitude more challenging and extends any healing time.

Taking workshops, I used to ask the participants to recall a time when they were up against it, but didn’t give up. The example I loved was a woman describing her altercation with a jammed photocopier, “I wasn’t going to let it beat me.” I then suggested that her attitude could be used in other situations where she may feel beaten. It can be helpful if we look at past experiences for ideas as to how we can manage present challenges.

No-one has an easy ride through life and no-one knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors. My school friends certainly didn’t know about my life anymore than I knew about theirs and it’s only much later that we discovered that it wasn’t all fun.  I don’t wish difficulties on anyone, but on reflection it’s the harder and challenging life events that gave me life-saving resilience, as well as hope. Is making childhood too comfortable and without responsibilities, leading to having unrealistic expectations in adulthood? If chores are part of growing up, as well as playing, then I believe children should learn that life is about helping each other and that, certainly, ‘life isn’t fair’. 

©AlisonRRussell2017