Thoughts and feelings passed their sell-by date.

On Saturday, June 27th, I had a letter published in the Yorkshire Post.

I had been prompted to write by opinions expressed the previous week on the comments by Naz Shah MP about Scarborough. She had some justifiable unhappy memories and was criticised for them.

https://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/news/opinion/letters/scarborough-defence-mp-naz-shahs-holiday-comments-yorkshire-post-letters-2896710

Dear Sir

The views of Scarborough from the childhood experiences of Naz Shah MP are valid and should not be ridiculed. People should be careful of criticising her. The majority of emotional and mental health problems in adulthood, arise from holding on to out-of-date feelings and thoughts from childhood. 

As a 14 and 15 year old London schoolgirl in 1963/4, I visited Yorkshire on two school holidays. I enjoyed staying in Bridlington, visiting Whitby, Goathland and York. One very wet day, with early closing, we visited Scarborough. Nothing was open and I thought it was the most miserable place I had ever visited and would never return. I kept that promise, avoiding it when bringing my children for a Yorkshire holiday in 1986 and unexpectedly moving to York in 1994. 

One day in 1996 I had to go to Scarborough for a meeting on South Cliff. It was a beautiful summer’s day and the view from the Esplanade overwhelmed me. I had made a judgement on one experience as a teenager and the result was my loss. It was time to form an opinion as an adult. In 2007 on a visit to a friend, we saw a house for sale and since 2010 have lived extremely happily in Scarborough enjoying its wonderful position on the coast and bordering the National Park. Our grandchildren will hold lifelong happy memories of their holidays here. 

Yours Sincerely

Rita Leaman (Real name)

As a PS: Around the same time I was never going to eat tomatoes or wear a skirt below my knee again. Fortunately I didn't keep to either vows! 

I have written a number of times about holding on to old thoughts and feelings from childhood, which in adulthood are well passed their sell-by date. These articles can be found on this blog using the word search and also in the books 'Wise Words' by Rita Leaman and 'Are you Chasing Rainbows?' by Alison R Russell.

©AlisonRRussell2020

I really really need it. Do you? Or do you just want it?

This is the *extended article, first published The Press York, on Tuesday, August 14th, 2018.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/16409102.column-do-you-know-your-wants-from-your-needs/

A marketing e-mail popped into the in-box. The subject read, ‘The Hot List - the five must-haves to add to basket now.’ Really? ‘Must-haves’? Must I? I opened the email to see what I couldn’t do without - NOW. ‘A trophy jacket you need now.’ The word ‘trophy’ was a new one on me for describing clothes, but aspiring to be a winner, I must have the trophy jacket now. The ‘anything-but-ordinary’ bra. Yes, I must have that, as I don’t want to feel ordinary wearing a piece of clothing most people won’t see. ‘The loveliest kid’s dress.’ Obviously another ‘must-have’. My granddaughter must be the loveliest in any company. ‘A genius washbag’. Pretty material, pretty functional, pretty much like other cleverly designed washbags. But I ‘must-have’ the one that hints at being clever for purchasing it.

I don’t need these items, but I must have these things, otherwise I’ll won’t feel good enough. I’ll click on the order form now and buy them with my credit card. Easy. They will arrive and I may or may not use them. Strangely I won’t feel any better than I did before I read the email. I may even feel worse.

*The fear of being thought, 'not good enough' is a driving force behind the majority of unhelpful and emotionally driven behaviours. These in turn can become mental health problems. A mental health problem often shows in symptoms of sub-threshold Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), where the emotionally driven behaviour is the result of a traumatic reaction to something based in childhood. It's not just feeling 'not good enough' in the present day, it's about carrying those feelings for years, decades, perhaps even a lifetime. I have read hundreds of articles, case studies and life stories. In over 90% of them, the person reports childhood feelings of 'not being good enough', often blaming other people. These feelings can lead to unhelpful behaviours or more helpfully, the driving force behind success. I have a brilliant friend in their seventies, who has been mentally unwell for two years. Through their life, no project, whether domestic or professional was good enough, with mental exhaustion as a result. Their behaviour is emotionally driven by a fear of their father's anger at 'not being good enough', as a child. It's sad. They are not alone. On the other hand, a child growing up with feelings of 'not being good enough', can, as they mature into adulthood, develop a 'I'll show them' attitude and achieve success. 

One of the first credit cards on the market decades ago, came with the slogan, ‘Takes the waiting out of wanting.’ It fulfilled that statement and with thousands of other credit cards available, the nation is now sinking under a sea of debt. We spend our time buying things we don’t need, with money we haven’t got. Short-term gain, long-term pain.

The wail from children can be heard every day in shops. ‘I need it, I really, really need it.’ Adults can be heard saying it too. Adults who may seek help wondering, “I don’t know what’s the matter with me, I’ve got everything I want.” They may have, but they don’t have everything they need.  What are those needs? The giving and receiving love and attention - healthily. A meaning and purpose. Being stretched and feeling a sense of achievement. Being part of a community. A feeling of security. A sense of control. Time for privacy and reflection - though not too much.

* Returning to the feelings of 'not being good enough'. If, for any reason, a child at some point in their upbringing, felt that they were 'not good enough' to get a need met, as mentioned above, their ability to manage those feelings in adulthood can result in emotional immaturity. Sometimes, it can be a perception and not the truth, but the result can be the same. Hence, some adults behaving like children. Also why some adults are 'Chasing Rainbows', in their often exhausting, damaging and pointless search to have those childhood needs met in adulthood. That was then, this is now. The past can never be changed, but the present can.

Needs are for now, wants can wait. So can the ‘must-haves’.

©AlisonRRussell2018

A Childish or Childlike Christmas time?

This is the article that should have been published in the York Press on Tuesday, December 26th, 2017. Unfortunately Christmas printing dates meant that it was missed and it was printed on January 2nd 2018.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/15804463.COLUMN__Is_your_behaviour_childish_or_childlike_/

Standing at a bus terminus has its advantages, especially if you’re one of the first to get on the bus. With a little excitement, I climbed the stairs and claimed a front seat. There followed, over an hour of a leisurely ride through London to Kings Cross Station. The number 10 route covers many London landmarks and before Christmas there was even more than usual to look at. Left, right, and straight ahead were Christmas decorations and shop windows to enjoy. My appreciation felt childlike. Then the idea of making that feeling the topic of this column fell into place. What’s the difference between childish and childlike behaviours? This question became the basis of my therapeutic work, as I realised I was working with many adults who were displaying unhelpful emotions based in childhood. It fascinated me. Why was this happening?

What do I suggest is the difference?

On the top of the bus I felt childlike moments. These can be treasured at any age and include moments of joy, fun, wonderment, innocent curiosity and simple pleasure. We can still behave as an adult and remain in control. These moments are delightful, uplifting, fun and enjoyable for all, such as, a visit to the seaside, receiving gifts, playing games with children, having harmless fun. They are unlikely to cause distress to anyone.

Behaviour described as childish is a pain for all involved. It can be demonstrated by sulking, tantrums, being disruptive, lying, manipulation and possessiveness. The person behaving childishly is unhappy and emotionally immature “Oh grow up” is the response many people would like to use confronted with such behaviours. Childish behaviours cause distress to others too.

Christmastime is especially a time of year when both childlike and childish behaviours can be experienced. Plenty of articles have been written on families coming together and the dynamic played out in the present day is one that arose in childhood. The adult children often default to their younger roles. If it’s fun it’s okay, but if unhappiness is involved, it is not.

I wish you all moments of love, kindness and joy over Christmas and New Year. 

©AlisonRRussell2018