I really really need it. Do you? Or do you just want it?

This is the *extended article, first published The Press York, on Tuesday, August 14th, 2018.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/16409102.column-do-you-know-your-wants-from-your-needs/

A marketing e-mail popped into the in-box. The subject read, ‘The Hot List - the five must-haves to add to basket now.’ Really? ‘Must-haves’? Must I? I opened the email to see what I couldn’t do without - NOW. ‘A trophy jacket you need now.’ The word ‘trophy’ was a new one on me for describing clothes, but aspiring to be a winner, I must have the trophy jacket now. The ‘anything-but-ordinary’ bra. Yes, I must have that, as I don’t want to feel ordinary wearing a piece of clothing most people won’t see. ‘The loveliest kid’s dress.’ Obviously another ‘must-have’. My granddaughter must be the loveliest in any company. ‘A genius washbag’. Pretty material, pretty functional, pretty much like other cleverly designed washbags. But I ‘must-have’ the one that hints at being clever for purchasing it.

I don’t need these items, but I must have these things, otherwise I’ll won’t feel good enough. I’ll click on the order form now and buy them with my credit card. Easy. They will arrive and I may or may not use them. Strangely I won’t feel any better than I did before I read the email. I may even feel worse.

*The fear of being thought, 'not good enough' is a driving force behind the majority of unhelpful and emotionally driven behaviours. These in turn can become mental health problems. A mental health problem often shows in symptoms of sub-threshold Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), where the emotionally driven behaviour is the result of a traumatic reaction to something based in childhood. It's not just feeling 'not good enough' in the present day, it's about carrying those feelings for years, decades, perhaps even a lifetime. I have read hundreds of articles, case studies and life stories. In over 90% of them, the person reports childhood feelings of 'not being good enough', often blaming other people. These feelings can lead to unhelpful behaviours or more helpfully, the driving force behind success. I have a brilliant friend in their seventies, who has been mentally unwell for two years. Through their life, no project, whether domestic or professional was good enough, with mental exhaustion as a result. Their behaviour is emotionally driven by a fear of their father's anger at 'not being good enough', as a child. It's sad. They are not alone. On the other hand, a child growing up with feelings of 'not being good enough', can, as they mature into adulthood, develop a 'I'll show them' attitude and achieve success. 

One of the first credit cards on the market decades ago, came with the slogan, ‘Takes the waiting out of wanting.’ It fulfilled that statement and with thousands of other credit cards available, the nation is now sinking under a sea of debt. We spend our time buying things we don’t need, with money we haven’t got. Short-term gain, long-term pain.

The wail from children can be heard every day in shops. ‘I need it, I really, really need it.’ Adults can be heard saying it too. Adults who may seek help wondering, “I don’t know what’s the matter with me, I’ve got everything I want.” They may have, but they don’t have everything they need.  What are those needs? The giving and receiving love and attention - healthily. A meaning and purpose. Being stretched and feeling a sense of achievement. Being part of a community. A feeling of security. A sense of control. Time for privacy and reflection - though not too much.

* Returning to the feelings of 'not being good enough'. If, for any reason, a child at some point in their upbringing, felt that they were 'not good enough' to get a need met, as mentioned above, their ability to manage those feelings in adulthood can result in emotional immaturity. Sometimes, it can be a perception and not the truth, but the result can be the same. Hence, some adults behaving like children. Also why some adults are 'Chasing Rainbows', in their often exhausting, damaging and pointless search to have those childhood needs met in adulthood. That was then, this is now. The past can never be changed, but the present can.

Needs are for now, wants can wait. So can the ‘must-haves’.

©AlisonRRussell2018

Needs first, wants later...with extra salt.

This is the extended* article first published in the York Press on Tuesday, July 4th 2017.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/15383305.Column__Our_needs_must_be_met_before_our_wants/

Last year I was having a check-up with a cardiologist, having had some tests after experiencing a blackout. I joked that having concussion for six weeks had kept me from drinking alcohol and I was looking forward to resuming my one glass of wine, four days a week. Hardly extreme. “Why?”, he responded. “Do you need it?" 

The answer is, of course, “No, I don’t need it.” Though, thinking of those stressful, not party times, when I’ve used alcohol to ‘fuzzy the edges', the difference between need and want could sometimes appear borderline.

I have been reminded of the doctor’s words in recent times, particularly the Grenfell Tower tragedy. People have had to find out in terrible ways, that it’s an individual’s needs that must be met before turning to their wants. Within minutes of tragedy unfolding, the basic needs of shelter, food, water, clothing and money became urgent for hundreds of people. The need for security, community and friendship became obvious too. Personally, I would be distressed to lose family memorabilia, as would most people, but none would matter if I hadn’t got my basic needs met. It’s a thought-provoking exercise to seriously look at everything one owns and reflect on what one would actually need in an emergency. This is something I done a couple of times in life and it’s sobering when realising that very little we surround ourselves with, actually matters when lives and sanity are at risk.  

Another need is a sense of control and it must be unsettling to feel that events have temporarily taken personal control away. Other critical needs to enable an individual to thrive, are being stretched and a sense of achievement. When helping people with emotional problems, an audit of the client’s needs and resources was always made. Sometimes the root of a problem was in the present day, though often it could be traced to a lack or perceived lack, of a need being met in childhood. 

* There are studies which show that if a person's needs are met, then the possibility of developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are lessened. I recall this being shown strongly after the London bombs on July 7th 2005. Some of the injured and affected victims were living on their own and did not belong to a community. They were more vulnerable to PTSD than others.  The sense of community is enormous at the Grenfell Tower site, which is good, but as the weeks pass, the loss of control and security in the  resident's lives is causing increasing distress.  It's not just at the Grenfell Tower site either, as more tower blocks all over the UK need attention.

Returning to the Cardiologist. He was correct in that I didn’t need wine to live healthily. What I did need was more plain water and salt and I have increased my daily intake of both. I also enjoy a glass of wine four times a week.
..............             ..............           .............          ............

* By the time I had an appointment with a Cardiologist in 2016, which was only at my insistence, I had experienced 'funny turns' since 2008, which I knew were somehow stress related. (Fifty-four in 2009 and now only one or two a year.) The only diagnosis I had received was from a Neurologist, who after many tests said, "We don't know, so it must be pre-epilepsy and take this medication." In 2016, another Neurologist said it definitely wasn't epilepsy.

*As the medication was anti-psychotics and I was pretty sure the epilepsy wasn't the root cause, I didn't take the medication and I'm here to tell the tale. If simple questions about water and salt intake had been asked, then Vasovagel Syncope could have been diagnosed earlier and I could have avoided two head injuries. The Cardiologist even told me to look up the diagnosis on Google to see if I agreed. I was astonished. I did look it up and agreed with him at the follow-up appointment.

*It's interesting that in the last few weeks, the medics are questioning whether 6grams of salt a day is too little. It probably is.  When I was in hospital, the staff nurse mentioned that patients being admitted due to falls had spiked in recent times for no particular reason. A friend who worked for a food agency on the traffic light system on food wrapping, said that when the salt limit was announced some years ago, she and her boss said that it was too little and there would be problems. She could be right. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/08/health/salt-health-effects.html

* A handy hint. Be careful how you describe your symptoms. I used the word, 'deja-vu', which proved my undoing. I changed it to 'visual disturbance'. 

*If you should know anyone from the services or related to service personnel, active or retired, who may be experiencing PTSD, I can highly recommend this charity. http://ptsdresolution.org

©AlisonRRussell2017

Depression - a timely reminder

Depression is a subject that comes to the fore in the media on a regular basis. It has been in the headlines over the past few days for various reasons, including a new book, 'Reasons to stay Alive' by Matt Haig and some sportspeople talking openly about their own depression. 

Primarily though, the subject of depression hit the headlines due to a non-accidental air crash in France and the discovery that the pilot may have had mental health problems. Sadly, the headline writers and some opinion makers have lumped together the word depression and a possible act of cruel lunacy, to the detriment of the thousands of people who have experienced depressive episodes. Statements have been made when the facts are still unknown.

There have been several instances when I've winced at what I've heard or read, particularly when there have been generalisations. The one that made me shout at the radio was, "Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance and a lack of serotonin." This was followed by the implication that a person can't help it and medication is the answer. Serotonin is a chemical which can be found to influence depression, but depression is much more than a chemical imbalance bought on by one chemical. A chemical that can be changed with something as simple as smiling. 

A colleague and friend, who experienced years of depression and Post -Traumatic Stress Disorder after being severely injured in an IRA bomb blast, made this comment. "Depression is nature's way of telling you to do something different." A challenging statement perhaps?  But from my experience of working with people experiencing depressive episodes, not one person has recovered without changing something about their life choices. Choices that may include, thoughts, behaviours, relationships, work, diet, medication, sleep, lifestyle, amongst others.

It can be 'Catch 22', in that to be able to make changes, one has to feel able to make them and when experiencing depression, the ability to want to do anything at all, can disappear. But change can only be brought about by change.

"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." Henry Ford.

Primarily, in helping anyone with any emotional health problem, it is important to look at how the person is getting their fundamental needs met, as well as the basic ones of food, shelter, clothing and money.

• Security.
• Sense of belonging.
• Close relationship.
• Time for privacy.
• Feeling connected to others.
• Having a purpose in life.
• Physical and mental challenges.
• Giving and receiving attention.

Stress, anxiety, anger, depression and addiction can be the result of these needs not being met, for a variety of reasons, including the misuse of imagination (worrying). Problems can also arise when these needs are met, but in unhealthy ways. Most people do not have emotional/mental health problems when their fundamental needs are being met in balanced, healthy ways.

In a previous blog, I wrote about a brush with depressive thinking. Most of my needs were being met, but I was misusing my imagination. I likened changing my choices to 'wading through treacle', but it had to be done to regain my sanity.

Sometimes people find change too hard, because it means a loss of a lifestyle that is supplying needs, but ultimately in unhealthy ways.

My own findings have also been informed by seeing, reading and hearing people whose needs were not met in childhood or perceived that they were not met. Many adults experiencing depression, can often be dragged backwards by thoughts of 'not being good enough'. Thoughts that first arose in childhood.

An Emotional Needs Audit:
http://www.enaproject.org

Free online help:
http://www.thehumanapproach.com

©AlisonRRussell2015

1st newspaper column on Wellbeing.

Just before Christmas 2013, I was asked by the York Press http://www.yorkpress.co.uk, if I would write a monthly column on Wellbeing for a relaunched Health, Beauty and Wellbeing.

It was published today, Monday January 13th. 2014. It was written using my real name, as the paper is a local paper and my practice was in York.

Newspapers and magazines are full of quizzes in January. Here’s another one about my life:

What have the following in common?

Managing the events after my husband became suddenly unwell in October.
Mislaying credit cards on Christmas Eve.
Seeing the damage done to peoples’ property in the recent storms.
Finding a diary from 1978, in a January declutter.

The answers are in reverse order. 

No: 4: Looking at old diaries can be a bittersweet activity. There’s a possibility of disturbing memories which are best left in the past. An entry for Wednesday, December 28th, 1978 read, ‘The shops are still shut.” Wow!, How did we manage with such deprivation? How did we do without all that stuff we needed? Except, for the majority of items, they weren’t needed at all. Just wanted and we went without them, because there wasn’t an alternative.

No: 3. On Christmas Eve, somewhere between a bank in town and getting off a bus at home, I mislaid my purse or perhaps it was stolen.  Cancelling credit and debit cards is easy. Frustration arises from receiving new ones through the post over a long holiday period. Even online banking is useless without a card by your side. Result? For over a week, I managed well on what was already in the house. I could have borrowed in an emergency, but I had everything I needed and only went without things that I wanted. 

No: 2. Conversations turned to how traumatic it must be to have your home damaged by extreme weather and what would we save, if given little warning. Laptops, photos, some books and records. While it would be upsetting to lose the furniture and furnishings, I know from previous experiences, that materially, what seems upsetting to lose, is nothing compared with life itself. Life is the most precious acquisition we have.

Which brings me to No:1. For a week in October, my husband’s life was all that mattered. The important plans didn’t matter. The vital appointments and meetings didn’t matter. My surroundings, clothing, bills, wrinkles, didn’t really matter. Life is what mattered. Medical staff, family and friends were precious too.

Reflection

Do you need something or just want it? The following may be helpful: 

I asked for strength and I was given difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom and I was given problems to learn to solve.

I asked for prosperity and I was given brain and brawn to work.

I asked for courage and I was given dangers to overcome.a I asked for love and I was given troubled people to help.

I asked for favours and I was given opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted.

I received everything I needed.

Adapted from a prayer by Swami Vivekananda (1863-1902)

©AlisonRussell2014