Setting and pushing boundaries.

This is the extended* Wellbeing Column, first published in the York Press on Tuesday, April 25th, 2017. 

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/15239099.Mind__body_and_soul__Walk_on_the_wild_side/

It has been like the BBC TV programme, ‘Springwatch' in our back garden recently. As well as a tuneful variety of bird life, the bird feeders and garden have encouraged other visitors too. Squirrels, rabbits, deer, a stoat, pheasants, hedgehogs, bees, butterflies and even a pair of ducks have appeared near the house for the first time.

One morning we looked out of the window and were shocked. There was a scene of wanton vandalism. Hanging feeders lay on the ground, broken and empty. A baton of wood was snapped in two. Due to the height of the feeders, we blamed deer, but out of curiosity, we erected a night time camera.

The next morning, a similar scene met us. We looked at the camera and were amazed. A badger was the culprit. We know how fortunate we are to have such a wonderful selection of wildlife on our doorstep and we encourage it, despite the downside of nibbled flowers and shrubs. But it is wild life. Life that knows few boundaries.

Recently I heard a retired headteacher talk to a group of NSPCC supporters, about her years in charge of a primary school, in a tough area. She talked of children growing up ‘wild’ and how much they responded to the boundaries set at school. “They knew where they were and what was expected of them.” People need boundaries. When we’re younger, we have to be told and guided, learning about taking personal responsibility and that actions bring consequences. We push at them, question them, sometimes break through them, but need them for a healthy society. As we grow up and our brains mature, we can set boundaries for ourselves.

* Taken from the book, 'Are you Chasing Rainbows?' 

Peter, in his fifties, was an only child and close to his mother, who idolised him. He held a prestigious academic position in a university. He regularly had tantrums in the workplace, generally shouting, screaming, banging the table and walking out of meetings. Most of the time he succeeded in getting his own way.

I would suggest that while he had a high IQ, his EQ (emotional intelligence) did not match: he presented as a man/boy. He had grown up getting his own way by having tantrums, and was indulged by staff members. Unless someone was able to draw boundaries and be consistent in their non- acceptance of his behaviour, it was likely to continue. 

If animals, both domestic and wild, are kept inside boundaries and those boundaries are too restrictive, they will not thrive and usually display disturbed behaviour. The same can be observed with children. It’s not easy for parents and carers, especially with teenagers. Boundaries which are too restrictive can lead to as many problems as too few boundaries. 

*There is general acceptance now that praise and encouragement are helpful, and that filling a child with a sense of failure is unhelpful. The problem is that teaching is tipping the balance into giving a child unrealistic expectations. We praise a baby when it picks up a toy, but when do we stop? If we continue to praise a child for doing something that comes easily, the praise will be devalued. As adults, we need to move the boundaries of praise, along with the expectation of success. For example, a young child can be praised for a drawing: if that drawing doesn’t get much better and the praise continues, the child will know that the praise is empty. Either that or they will not try to stretch themselves because they will be praised anyway. What I suggest is that the effort should be praised instead.

 

Sometimes, as adults we set ourselves inflexible and unnecessary boundaries - a comfort zone. Perhaps 2017 is the year to step outside and explore the unknown?

* There are many reasons for preferring to stay within our comfort zone, but a major reason for may people, especially as they grow older, is not to wanting to fail. An adult can often be reminded of uncomfortable, even horrible, childhood experiences. The childhood emotion can 'hijack' the adult thinking and they stay in their comfort zone. That can be a shame and a loss of personal development.

"Failure is success, if we learn from it." Malcolm Forbes.

©AlisonRRussell@2017

Step out of your comfort zone - I did!

This is the Wellbeing Column from the York Press on Monday, September 2015

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13781990.Seize_the_opportunity_to_step_out_off_your_comfort_zone/

Given the choice, I would not have decided to complete the Go Ape tree top course in Dalby Forest last month. The plans were for two grandsons to be supervised by an older friend, but after viewing the video, the friend told me that they didn’t like heights and would not do it. There was no time to find anyone else and not wanting to let the boys down, I said that I would do it. The staff were positive that I could manage the course of six rope ladders, eight wobbly walkways and six zip wires. “ 80 year olds have done it!”, they said. The highest point amongst the trees is one hundred and thirty-four feet. They assured me that I could be rescued at any time.

Going up the first rope ladder, I realised that my weakening wrists attempting to lift a heavy weight was going to be a challenge. It proved to be so and the rope ladders were unexpectedly the most difficult part of the course.

There followed two hours of one of the hardest challenges I’ve faced. Not helped by a nasty fall in the garden the night before, which I kept to myself. It was a long way out of my comfort zone and I did it!  The reward at the end, was an indescribable sense of achievement. Only I knew how hard it had been. There were times when I had wanted to stop and completion became mind over matter. As mission control told the crew of Apollo 13, ‘Failure is not an option.’ While the course had been a test of physical endurance, it was mental endurance that kept me going to the end.  What lessons were learnt?

We all meet challenges through life and our self-dialogue will strongly influence the end result. We take too much notice of negative voices telling us that we can’t do something, are a failure or not good enough.  We need to deafen them with positive voices reminding us of previous challenges, when we had not given up. Memories of driving abroad and getting stranded on a cliff, provided personal motivation. Once, in a workshop exercise, a participant gave an illustration of standing by a temperamental photo copier and not giving up. Use whatever works.

Healthy minds respond to being stretched at every age. A sense of achievement will only come by stepping out of comfort zones. Doing what we’re good at is not a challenge and it doesn’t have to be physical or big. We can surprise ourselves and others. Like children, small steps lead to greater confidence. We never stopped learning as children and learning how to fail too. Children will try again, until at some point in life, memories of past failure can hijack the present. Then we either don’t do something or give up early. It will compound those negative feelings.

The experience had been exhilarating. What next?

“Alleged ‘impossibilities’ are opportunities for our capacities to be stretched.”

Charles R Swindoll.

©AlisonRRussell2015