Boundary setting and self-regulation.

This is an *extended article first published in the York Press on Tuesday, December 4th, 2018.

https://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/17268401.comment-setting-boundaries-help-children-grow/

A friend’s nine-month old baby is crawling and climbing, causing her parents some concern, as she has no awareness of danger. There has been chat about the merits of playpens and stair gates are in position. Another friend, who lives in West London, is concerned about her fifteen-year old son. The boy is determined to live a more adventurous life than his parents feel comfortable in allowing. Compromises are negotiated. These are illustrations of boundaries. Boundaries set by caring people, who are concerned as to the safety of their children. Boundaries set and moved by adults, as the child grows and learns how to set their own. Except some adults lack that ability. 

*It concerns me when I meet adults unable to use public transport because they were ferried around in cars all their childhood. They  have grown up with a lack of knowledge of how to use a train or bus timetable and sometimes with a fear transferred by a parent. Another immature response is when an adult says "I wasn't told" to a challenge that some behaviour has caused a problem. Some adults  do not have the capacity to think for themselves, to self-regulate, because they have always been regulated by others. This type of behaviour is at the opposite end of the spectrum to children who are sadly called 'feral', with no boundaries and also with an inability to self-regulate. The imagined background of such children is perhaps at the poorer end of society, but that is not always the case.

*I recall a period in education in the 1980s and the promotion of 'free expression' or 'letting children behave as they want to'. I ran a Toddler Group for twenty-two two year olds, no mums and two helpers. There was a routine ninety minutes of playtime, story, playtime and the children thrived. Social Services visited. They disliked the routine and I was sent on a course, where free expression was promoted. In an immature way, I mildly rebelled in one of the exercises, but was so frustrated. Social Services kept up the impromptu visits, but never found anything less than a room full of happy children and were unable to shut down the group. 

A healthy baby always kept in a playpen for months and years, would amount to child neglect. Teenagers think they are aware of all the dangers outside their front door, but adults, remembering their own near escapes from challenging situations, have different ideas. Initial boundaries are slowly widened to allow for healthy physical and psychological growth. Not giving boundaries can lead to wild behaviour, but films of wild animals kept in captivity, in too small a space for their needs, will show increasingly disturbed behaviour. Humans kept within boundaries that do not take their development into account, can develop mental health problems. Is too much ‘helicopter parenting’ leading to an increase in some of these problems?

A teaching tale: A king and queen had a precious son, but were told by a mystic, that he would be killed by a wild animal. They decided never to allow him outside the castle walls. They gave the child everything he could want inside the walls. This included a magnificent room where jungle scenes were painted on the walls. At the top of one wall, artists painted lions and tigers. One day a workman left the room with a tall ladder in position against a wall. The boy, wandering around the castle, came across the room and intrigued by the animals, wanted to get nearer them. He climbed the ladder, reached out to touch a tiger, fell off the ladder and died.

We learn how to set our own boundaries of behaviour. If we always relied on others for setting our boundaries, our emotional growth will remain stunted. 

©AlisonRRussell2018

Setting and pushing boundaries.

This is the extended* Wellbeing Column, first published in the York Press on Tuesday, April 25th, 2017. 

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/15239099.Mind__body_and_soul__Walk_on_the_wild_side/

It has been like the BBC TV programme, ‘Springwatch' in our back garden recently. As well as a tuneful variety of bird life, the bird feeders and garden have encouraged other visitors too. Squirrels, rabbits, deer, a stoat, pheasants, hedgehogs, bees, butterflies and even a pair of ducks have appeared near the house for the first time.

One morning we looked out of the window and were shocked. There was a scene of wanton vandalism. Hanging feeders lay on the ground, broken and empty. A baton of wood was snapped in two. Due to the height of the feeders, we blamed deer, but out of curiosity, we erected a night time camera.

The next morning, a similar scene met us. We looked at the camera and were amazed. A badger was the culprit. We know how fortunate we are to have such a wonderful selection of wildlife on our doorstep and we encourage it, despite the downside of nibbled flowers and shrubs. But it is wild life. Life that knows few boundaries.

Recently I heard a retired headteacher talk to a group of NSPCC supporters, about her years in charge of a primary school, in a tough area. She talked of children growing up ‘wild’ and how much they responded to the boundaries set at school. “They knew where they were and what was expected of them.” People need boundaries. When we’re younger, we have to be told and guided, learning about taking personal responsibility and that actions bring consequences. We push at them, question them, sometimes break through them, but need them for a healthy society. As we grow up and our brains mature, we can set boundaries for ourselves.

* Taken from the book, 'Are you Chasing Rainbows?' 

Peter, in his fifties, was an only child and close to his mother, who idolised him. He held a prestigious academic position in a university. He regularly had tantrums in the workplace, generally shouting, screaming, banging the table and walking out of meetings. Most of the time he succeeded in getting his own way.

I would suggest that while he had a high IQ, his EQ (emotional intelligence) did not match: he presented as a man/boy. He had grown up getting his own way by having tantrums, and was indulged by staff members. Unless someone was able to draw boundaries and be consistent in their non- acceptance of his behaviour, it was likely to continue. 

If animals, both domestic and wild, are kept inside boundaries and those boundaries are too restrictive, they will not thrive and usually display disturbed behaviour. The same can be observed with children. It’s not easy for parents and carers, especially with teenagers. Boundaries which are too restrictive can lead to as many problems as too few boundaries. 

*There is general acceptance now that praise and encouragement are helpful, and that filling a child with a sense of failure is unhelpful. The problem is that teaching is tipping the balance into giving a child unrealistic expectations. We praise a baby when it picks up a toy, but when do we stop? If we continue to praise a child for doing something that comes easily, the praise will be devalued. As adults, we need to move the boundaries of praise, along with the expectation of success. For example, a young child can be praised for a drawing: if that drawing doesn’t get much better and the praise continues, the child will know that the praise is empty. Either that or they will not try to stretch themselves because they will be praised anyway. What I suggest is that the effort should be praised instead.

 

Sometimes, as adults we set ourselves inflexible and unnecessary boundaries - a comfort zone. Perhaps 2017 is the year to step outside and explore the unknown?

* There are many reasons for preferring to stay within our comfort zone, but a major reason for may people, especially as they grow older, is not to wanting to fail. An adult can often be reminded of uncomfortable, even horrible, childhood experiences. The childhood emotion can 'hijack' the adult thinking and they stay in their comfort zone. That can be a shame and a loss of personal development.

"Failure is success, if we learn from it." Malcolm Forbes.

©AlisonRRussell@2017