One road to happiness - making a difference by volunteering.

This was published in The York Press on Tuesday, March 1st 2016.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14309655.Body__mind_and_soul__making_a_difference/

When Terry Wogan died recently, some of his quotes were mentioned in articles about his life. I liked this one: “The way to happiness is to give yourself to others and to think of others before you think of yourself.”  I would add that also needing some ‘own time’ and ‘own space’ is not being selfish. It’s about having a balanced lifestyle to be emotionally healthy.

This brings me back to the subject of volunteering, the topic of this column last July. At the time, I was considering some local volunteering opportunities. It took time while all the necessary checks were carried out and in one case, some training. Patience was required. Seven months later, I am a visitor for Victim Support and a volunteer hospital play worker. 

The hospital work brings me great joy and I didn’t even know this position was available. Perhaps some of you are not aware of how you could volunteer. I thought of people I know and the voluntary work they do. It may give you some ideas too. 

• Working in hospitals. Running a website. Dog walking. Pet sitting.
• Local environmental projects. Helping in schools. Shopping. Gardening. 
• Youth groups. Hospital driver. Victim Support visitor. Charity shops.
• A Trustee of a charity. Community projects. Local service organisations.
• Local and National campaigns. Library assistants. Support groups.
• Religious groups. Local theatre groups. Writing. Political groups.
• Charity shops. Sports clubs and events. Prison visiting. Teaching.
• Historic buildings and gardens. Advocacy groups. Singing groups.

There is something for everyone and with a variety of time commitment.  Perhaps you’re tempted, but don’t think you could be of any help. You can help. You have skills that could help others. You can make a difference. When the enormity of the world’s problems seem too much, I recall this story.

A man was walking along a beach. As he walked, he could see a boy in the distance and he noticed that the boy kept bending down, picking something up and throwing it into the water. As the man walked nearer, he was able to see that the boy was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one at a time he was throwing them back into the water. The man asked the boy what he was doing, the boy replied," I am throwing these washed up starfish back into the ocean, or else they will die through lack of oxygen. "But", said the man, "You can't possibly save them all, there are thousands on this beach. You can't possibly make a difference." The boy smiled, bent down and picked up another starfish, and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied, “I’ve made a difference to that one.”

©AlisonRRussell2016

What I have said for years, but with academic credentials.

Around ten years ago I read Richard Bentall's book, 'Madness Explained'. His second book, published in 2009 is called 'Doctoring the Mind'. I have heard him lecturing and agree with most of his findings. The only area of concern I had, was with his research when he was describing his work with mothers and babies and their communication. He was not aware of the problem with front-facing pushchairs, so his research was flawed. Now it would have to include the ubiquitous use of mobile phones and tablets by toddlers and babies, as well as older children.

That was some years ago and I was interested to read an article by him last week. It comes in the form of an open letter to the actor and presenter, Stephen Fry, after his BBCTV programme on bi-polar disorder.

https://blogs.canterbury.ac.uk/discursive/all-in-the-brain    

It begins:

Dear Stephen,

You and I attended the same public school (Uppingham, in Rutland) at the same time, in the early 1970s, and our unhappy experiences there have undoubtedly helped to shape our different trajectories, which have led us to a shared interest in mental health.

In your case, your premature departure from Uppingham, and your adventures immediately afterwards, were documented in your wonderful book, Moab is my Washpot. Your subsequent openness about your own mental health difficulties, for which I salute you, has been an inspiration to other mental health sufferers.

In my case, despite a lacklustre academic performance which I attribute mainly to spending much of my adolescence feeling depressed and emotionally abused, I managed to make my way to university and eventually pursued a career in clinical psychology. (My brother, unfortunately, was much worse affected by his time at the school; his expulsion was the start of a long downward spiral that culminated in his suicide, an event that haunts me twenty years later, and which reinforces my determination to improve the public understanding of mental ill-health.)

I have now spent more than thirty years researching severe mental illness, focusing especially on patients with psychosis (who, in conventional psychiatry, are typically diagnosed with ‘bipolar disorder’ or ‘schizophrenia’). It is from this perspective that, reluctantly, I must now ask you to rethink the way that you portray these conditions to the general public. I know that you wish to demystify and destigmatise mental illness, which are surely laudable aims, but my worry is that some aspects of your approach may have the opposite effect from that which you intend.

and carries on...please click on the link above.

In response to that open letter, Peter Kinderman, Professor of Clinical Psychology, University of Liverpool & President-Elect, British Psychological Society, has written another open letter on behalf of many of his profession.

http://peterkinderman.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/open-letter-about-bbc-coverage-of.html?m=1

It begins:

Open Letter about BBC Coverage of Mental Health

Following Richard Bentall’s inspired OpenLetter to Stephen 
Fry, we – a group of people who have (and still do) use 
mental health services, who work in mental health, or 
who work as academics... or fall in to more than one of 
those categories – have decided to write a parallel Open 
Letter to the BBC and other media organizations about 
their coverage of mental health issues.

We need as many signatures as possible! If you wish to sign, 
please email Peter Kinderman at 
p.kinderman@liverpool.ac.uk with ‘BBC letter’ in the 
subject heading, and your name, title and organization as 
you would like to be represented. You can also leave 
comments below.

And carries on...Please click on the above link.

Why are these academics not listened to seriously? If they are not 
listened to, there's no hope for the non-academic professionals such 
as me and my colleagues. It is so frustrating with the unnecessary 
suffering loss of life and tragic loss of life we have been witness to 
over the last twenty years?

But then I read and listen with interest to the latest horror stories 
about sugar. That's not news. Professor Yudkin wrote about the 
dangers in 1972, 'Pure, White and Deadly', and was ridiculed. 

To those of us questioning the food industry, Big Pharma and other 
large, influential organisations. We must never give up, whoever we 
are. If it can save one life, it will be worth doing. 

©AlisonRRussell2016

Reflecting on the floods

This is January's Wellbeing Column published in the York Press on Tuesday, January 26th, 2016.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14225102.Body__mind_and_soul__reflecting_on_the_floods/

Since Boxing Day, a month ago, I have observed and reflected on the aftermath from the floods, which affected people so badly in York, Yorkshire and beyond.

Fortunately, this has been done from the comfort of my own home, where we have counted blessings and identified simple pleasures. But this is a home that we only own due to the damaging Yorkshire floods in 2007. Someone else’s misfortune meant they had to withdraw an offer on the house, which we saw by chance the day after the For Sale board had returned. These floods too, will be life-changing and in ways that people cannot imagine. 

The media coverage has led to several discussions on what we would take from the house, if a quick exit was ever necessary. A useful exercise. We recognised that most of the stuff was replaceable and that it would be items with an emotional attachment, which would be upsetting to lose. Practically, we decided that having a file of basic ID, birth certificates, insurance and bank details would probably be the most useful item to take, along with our laptops. We also did some therapeutic de-cluttering on the unending wet, indoor days. 

On Boxing Day 2004, I recall watching the devastating scenes from the Indian Ocean Tsunami. I have two memories from the TV coverage. A British man explained that he and his family had been left with just their lives and a credit card, which was useless. The tragedy had led him to question life’s priorities and his personal value system. He knew he was fortunate to be returning to a comfortable home, unlike the islanders.

An Oxfam charity worker was interviewed some weeks later, when villagers were starting to rebuild their shattered communities. They were using resources given to them by the Aid charities, but the Oxfam representative said that it was vital for their recovery that the villagers did the work themselves, not sit back and allow others to do it. Everyone had a part to play, from the youngest to the oldest. Everyone felt useful and contributed. It is this spirit that is vital in all communities worldwide, large and small. People have to help others and also do it for themselves.

A client once presented me with a framed quote as a gift, as she felt it reflected on the resolution of her personal difficulties.

“Go to the people. Live with them. Learn from them. Love them. Start with what they know. Build with what they have. But with the best leaders, when the work is done, the task accomplished, the people will say, “We have done this ourselves.” 

Lao Tzu

©AlisonRRussell2016

Taking control over the emotion of memories

This is the *extended Wellbeing column, published in the York Press on Tuesday, December 22nd, 2015.

As yet, there is no link to the York Press website. No doubt due to staff on holiday.

This is the last column for 2015 and I have been asked to continue writing a monthly column in 2016, my third year of writing for York Press. So see you next year!

..........................................

“Strange how potent cheap music is.” Noel Coward.  Private Lives.

If music, cheap or otherwise, was not potent, then it wouldn't be used by advertising agencies to sell merchandise. At this time of year, we seem to be assaulted everywhere by Christmas music. Our brains block out most of it, but for many, there are one or two tunes that will ‘hijack’ our emotional brain and makes us stop and reflect on a memory that has come to mind. Perhaps our eyes become moist or we inwardly smile. Then most of us will stop the train of thought that is usually heading back into the past and get on with whatever we are doing in the present.

Personally, Chris Rea brings smiles from a warm memory, while choirs singing carols can bring tears of loss.

At home or in the car, I can listen to music of my own choosing. There is little choice elsewhere and I can be ‘emotionally hijacked’ in seconds.  The first thought cannot be helped, but there is control over the second.  If I wish to be self-indulgent and dwell in self-pity, it’s my choice. On rare occasions I will chose to continue to listen to music that makes me feel miserable, through the memories it evokes. Bittersweet memories.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often offered to people when their thoughts and subsequent behaviours are unhelpful. People can be helped to take control and change their thoughts, internal dialogue and actions. A thought will be triggered by an emotional reaction to something sensory. A smell, sight, taste, feel or touch. I’m writing about music, but it could be anything. Sometimes it’s not an obvious memory and we can often wonder why we’ve reacted in certain ways. 

It’s this brain function that can make Christmas time such an emotional time, with its variety of sensory triggers. Many people don’t like it for that reason. It’s also a time for trying to recapture the past, which is impossible and can cause disappointment with unfulfilled expectations.

If I was granted a wish by the Christmas fairy, it would be to have the family at home, around the table on Christmas Day.  This is logistically not possible, so this year we arranged to have a pre-Christmas gathering in late autumn instead. I looked at the extended family interacting and dwelled on the ‘if onlys' and ‘what ifs’. I was living in the past. It felt sad. Then I changed my internal dialogue. If I focused my mind on the past, I was going to miss what was happening in the present. I had the opportunity to make new memories. It became a cognitive exercise, not dissimilar to Mindfulness. I changed my train of thought and enjoyed the moment. I was making new memories. I felt happier.

*Over the Christmas period, I have been 'emotionally hijacked' on many occasions.  I always had a choice of where I took the train of thoughts and what mood ensued. Sometimes I indulged myself, because a duvet of self-indulgant misery can be strangely comforting at times. But only for the short-term. 

None of us know exactly what tomorrow will bring, let alone a whole year. I wish you all the emotional strength to manage whatever comes your way, bad and good, sad and happy, despair and elation, failure and success, pain and pleasure and all the ordinariness of in between.  

Here's to 2016 with my favourite quote.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller

©AlisonRRussell2015

Following on from previous...new law 29.12.2015

This news item follows on from the previous blog. 

Next Tuesday, January 5th, a new law will be put into effect: "It aims to reduce psychological bullying that includes extreme psychological and emotional abuse, even if it does not amount to physical violence..." 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/new-law-targeting-psychological-bullies-could-see-coercive-controlling-partners-in-jail-for-up-to-5-a6788011.html

There was a good discussion about the new law on Radio 4 PM at 17.00pm. It starts at 48mins. The programme uses dialogue from the fictional, but realistic dialogue in The Archers radio soap opera, that was also previously mentioned.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06sgy7t#play

I am very pleased that psychological abuse is being recognised, but have a concern is that it will be difficult to prove in many cases. Vulnerable, manipulated people could be further manipulated by the legal process. 

As a member of Soroptimist International, I mainly support women and children, but men can also experience psychological abuse from women. Women are by no means saints. Children can experience psychological abuse from either or both parents and even grandparents. Sad. 

Anyone reading this blog for the first time, please read the previous blog for the list of behaviours that identifies both abusive behaviour and loving behaviour.

©AlisonRRussell2015

'Loves me, Loves me not' - The Archers BBC Radio 4.

This is the *extended Wellbeing Column published in York Press on Tuesday, November 24th, 2015. It is printed in the colour orange, as part of the UN 16 Days of Activism for Eliminating Violence Against Women. #orangetheworld 

http://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/ending-violence-against-women/take-action/16-days-of-activism

*Several threads came together for this blog:

1. One thread is the long-running radio soap opera, 'The Archers' on BBC Radio 4.

Soaps like to have a villain. It generates media interest and increased listening figures. Soaps are also good at highlighting problems in their audience's lives, such as addictions, relationship problems, ill health, elderly care and domestic abuse. The latter has rarely been heard on 'The Archers', but over the last two years, a storyline has steadily been building around a character, Helen Archer, who recently married Rob Titchener. This man is using psychological manipulation, emotional abuse and possibly sexual abuse to gradually take control of all aspects of his wife's life. 

I have been a listener for decades, but find this storyline disturbing, as do many other women. Some people have stopped listening until the character is written out. I can listen and realise that it's only actors standing in a studio reading a script, but it's still difficult to hear at times. The scriptwriters and actors are to be congratulated for making it feel so real.

I must also admit to conversations with women who have not recognised what Rob Titchener is doing. I find that concerning.

2. A second thread is that I belong to a voluntary service organisation for women and children, called Soroptimist International (Great Britain & Ireland) www.sigbi.org  Many of the clubs in the UK and worldwide work on projects supporting women who have been abused. In highlighting the projects, it was decided to use the Archer's storyline to increase awareness of the Soroptimists organisation and their work.  'Women inspiring action, transforming lives.' A Facebook page has been set up called: Help the Ambridge One. It features project work being carried out by a variety of Soroptimist International clubs. 

A petition has also been drawn up to send Nicky Morgan MP, about cuts to the services available to abused women. Cuts in services will lead to an increase of domestic abuse. 

https://www.change.org/p/nicky-morgan-mp-prevent-more-women-and-children-being-hurt-by-cuts-to-services-for-domestic-abuse

'The Archers' is fictional, but for thousands of women the abuse is real.

3. The third thread was article in York Press, by Maxine Gordon, which highlighted the work of a local Domestic Abuse charity in York. 

The column

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/14035071.Body__mind_and_soul___Loves_me__loves_me_not_/

Last week in Family Matters, Maxine Gordon highlighted Domestic Abuse and the work of IDAS in York. ( http://bit.ly/1iWUU4M )

IDAS is a North Yorkshire Abuse Charity and is supported by several York organisations, including Soroptimist International York Ebor Club. (http://www.siyorkebor.org.uk)

Last weekend I was at the annual conference for Soroptimist International Great Britain and Ireland (www.sigbi.org) in Glasgow. Princess Anne was one of the speakers supporting inspiring Soroptimist projects. Projects being carried out by 80,000 members in 127 countries worldwide, as well as the UK.

Clubs in the Yorkshire Region recognised that, tragically, there are thousands of women and young girls in Yorkshire alone, experiencing abuse in a variety of forms. They founded an Anti-Slavery Group. These days, the term slavery covers trafficking, domestic abuse, grooming, female genital mutilation and slavery. The group created a ‘Loves me, loves me not’ bookmark and cards. Thousands have been given away to women and young adults. 

The ‘loves me, loves me not’ lists were created with straight, adult relationships in mind.  As a psychotherapist I recognised the ‘Loves me not’ behaviours in all types of dysfunctional relationships. Gay, Straight and Transgender. Parent - Child. Child - Parent.  Employer - Employee. Teacher - Student. Friend - Friend. 

Loves me 

• Makes me feel safe
• Makes me feel comfortable. 
• Listens to me
• Values my opinions 
• Supports what I want to do in life 
• Is truthful with me 
• Admits to being wrong 
• Respects me
• Likes that I have other friends 
• Makes me laugh 
• Trusts me
• Treats me as an equal
• Respects my family 
• Understands my need for time alone or with family 
• Accepts me as I am 

Loves me not

• Is jealous 
• Is possessive 
• Tries to control me 
• Gets violent, loses temper quickly 
• Always blames me 
• Is sexually demanding 
• Keeps me from seeing friends and family 
• Makes all the decisions 
• Embarrasses me in front of others 
• Hits me 
• Makes me cry 
• Is always ‘checking up’ on me 
• Takes my money and other things 
• Threatens to leave me if I don’t do what I’m told 
• Teases, bullies and puts me down 

People whose behaviours includes those on the ‘Loves me’ list, show greater emotional maturity than those displaying behaviours on the ‘Loves me not’ list. A number of those behaviours can be seen in children. Hence the expression, “Oh Grow up!”

While most of the focus has been on female victims, there is beginning to be recognition that young boys and adults need educating too, especially with the easier availability of, and exposure to, violent and extreme pornography online. Actress and UN Women Global Goodwill Ambassador, Emma Watson, has recently launched He for She. (HeforShe.org) The York Charity, Jack Raine Foundation also looks at addressing these problems.

If abusers and the abused are the fruits of a problem, perhaps society needs to give greater attention to the roots.

©AlisonRRussell2015

Blame it on the Great British Bake-Off - challenging self doubt.

This is the article that was in the York Press on October 26th, 2015

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/13890086.Blame_it_on_the_Great_British_Bake_Off/

Blame it on the Great British Bake-Off!

I don’t usually return to a theme in the previous month’s column, but when writing about emotional wellbeing, Nadija Hussain’s win on Bake-Off and her subsequent comments cannot be ignored.

These were her words after winning. "I’m never gonna put boundaries on myself ever again. I’m never gonna say, I can't do it. I’m never gonna say, maybe. I’m never gonna say, I don’t think I can. I can and I will.”

Last month I wrote that we need to fail before we can succeed. We do as babies and young children and then at some point we allow the voices of self-doubt to hijack us. Can you imagine how many complete baking disasters Nadija must have produced over the years? She failed on the actual programme too, in full view of millions of viewers. She had to pick herself up and start all over again.

Another recent competition winner has been Marlon James, the winner of the Man Booker prize for his challenging novel, ‘A Brief History of Seven Killings.’ His first novel had been turned down by publishers 78 times. The literary world is full of best selling authors who have been rejected numerous times. There are plenty of examples of ‘Famous Rejections’ on the Internet. They make enlightening and encouraging reading.

A relative has recently presented his work to a high profile, worldwide audience. Feedback on Twitter included, “Like the top tips. Always good to celebrate mistakes...!” “Great to see advice coming through errors.” I couldn’t agree more.

The editor of my book, ‘Are you Chasing Rainbows?’ was excellent and the book is better for her work. But, she wanted me to remove references to personal failure. She told the publisher that, “as it was a book on self-development, it shouldn’t have negative stories in it.” I despaired. We develop by learning from failure. The references were not changed.

This lack of acknowledgement of failure and mistakes is something that has crept into wellbeing via an approach called Positive Psychology. It has also led into the ubiquitous use of the word ‘issues’ instead of the word problem, which is believed to be too negative. I trained as a solutioned-focused therapist and as such, the clients and I would find possible solutions for the problem presented. We did not explore issues. A problem is more concrete than an issue. I knew it had gone too far, when somebody on TV said that their vacuum cleaner had issues.

We need to balance encouragement with realism. I’m not sure however many lessons I had, that I could be a concert pianist or speak fluent Chinese. I am suggesting that if we should persevere with something and try and try again, if it is important to us, shutting off unhelpful, negative self- dialogue.

I’ll leave you with Nadija’s last comment again.
“I can and I will.” 

©AlisonRRussell2015