Feeling sad...can we choose to change our emotions?

I feel sad today. I felt sad yesterday. I have cried.

But I should be happy. 

One year ago today, my husband's life was saved by a wonderful surgeon, Mr Gatt, and his team, at Scarborough Hospital, North Yorkshire. He felt unwell on Sunday, September 29th. Nothing to worry about, just a bug. He's rarely unwell. Matters became worse and by the evening he was in A&E. 

At 8.30am on Monday, September 30th he underwent four hours of emergency, life-changing surgery and very nearly lost his life. Days followed in Intensive Care, High Dependency, on a general ward and then eventually he came home.

A year later and A is well, so there's lots to be happy about, isn't there?

Yes there is and we regularly count our blessings. Each day still seems a bonus. We also try not to get niggled by small stuff, but that's not always easy. Why the sadness and tears then?

Because I am recalling those hours and days of a year ago, minute by minute. The shock, the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys', the feelings of despair, the uncertainty, the 'howling to the moon' at 2am, the obliteration of major plans in October, the kindness of strangers and amazing support of friends and family. Mainly though, the shock. Having some understanding on how the brain works, I was able to process what my mind and body were experiencing and found it interesting in a weird way. I knew it would pass.

Two emotions surprised me. In fact, they overwhelmed me. I think it's those emotions that I'm recalling. I received many kind offers of help and people who wanted to stay with me. I had to say no. I needed, not wanted, needed to be alone after a day at the hospital. This where text and social media were superb resources. I text a daily bulletin to family, friends and colleagues. I knew they had a need to know and it saved me having to speak on the phone for hours and repeat everything.  I was exhausted, but despite being  alone in the house, I knew that I wasn't alone in the crisis.

The second emotion, which was visceral, occurred when A came home.  I felt extraordinarily protective for a few weeks. I wanted to shut the world out and protect him. 

I didn't have a choice how I felt a year ago. I was in shock and not in control of my emotions for a time, except, though, I managed to be in control when I visited the hospital.  But I'm not in shock today, so why the sadness and tears?

Last week, there was a superb drama on BBC TV called, 'Marvellous'. A true story and worth watching. 
http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2014/09/bbc2-s-marvellous-lives-its-name Perhaps the football theme may put you off? It's about so much more than football, it's about the human spirit.  A grown man, with a less complex view on the world said that he had decided to be happy in life. Is that possible? Many people will say that it is not. I believe that happiness comes in moments, rather than a constant state of mind. The striving to be happy can be a state of Chasing Rainbows. But I knew what he meant. I prefer the word 'content'. It's more achievable. 

I cannot help the strong reactions that I have experienced on the anniversary of last year's events. But I can control my response to them. (I am not talking about PTSD, which is a severe form of past memories hijacking a person's mind and body.) Many people loathe being told they have a choice about how they can respond to events. 

I have two main choices. I can choose to keep my mind on the events of last year, turning them over in my head, picking at the seeping emotional wounds and wallowing in the memories or I can chose to change what my mind is focusing on. There is a strange comfort in the wallowing in the familiar, however painful it is and it's tempting to remain in that state. There may be a case for allowing oneself to indulge to some self absorption, if it can provide some helpful personal insight.  I have also been thinking of people in my life who have died and adding those memories to the sadness soup.

My second choice is to accept the strong reactions, even discuss them or write about them, but then change what I'm doing to change my thinking processes and mood. DIY Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

Music is the fastest mood changer in my life. I play music on the radio or music player every day and can raise or lower my mood by what I listen to. Physical stature can change a mood too.

At a workshop in Australia many years ago, I gave a simple illustration. Someone came out of the audience to walk across the stage with me. We walked slowly, slouched over, talking about how happy we were and trying to be upbeat in our conversation. We then changed to walking upright, with purpose and talked about how miserable and unhappy we were. Try it. Visual demonstrations can be powerful and that one became unforgettable for many people.

When A was recovering, he was told by staff that there were two main things that would help towards a successful recovery. 1. Family support, which fortunately was a given. 2. Attitude.

As A has always veered away from anything medical, I had a great concern about the second. But I needn't have worried. This is a man who decided many years ago that he didn't want to be remembered as a grumpy grandfather, so he makes a special effort when we see the grandchildren. His choice.

So A thought about two possible role models. One was his father, who had been a healthy man until 55 years old. He slowly became a paraplegic and then through some of the treatment treatment became blind. His attitude was to get on with it, the best way he could. Another relative with a chronic illness had chosen a less helpful way of managing. 

He chose his father. His choice.

©AlisonRRussell2014

Our senses are seven free gifts from nature. Seven? Yes...

Our senses are seven free gifts from nature. 

This is an extended* column from the York Press, Monday August 25th, 2014

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11430959.Body__Mind___Soul__Our_senses_are_seven_free_gifts_from_nature/

What were you doing on Wednesday, August 11th 1999?

The date may mean little to most of you. But if I said that it was the day when a total solar eclipse could be seen in the UK, you may remember where you were when it happened. Perhaps you were in the south-west of England, where the total eclipse was seen? Perhaps you were in Yorkshire where it was only partial?

Did you experience the Tour de France cycle race in Yorkshire over the weekend of July 5th and 6th? I wonder if you’ll remember that date in fifteen years time?

I was fortunate to experience both events. One created by nature, one by man. The actual events, passed in seconds. It was ‘blink and you’ll miss it’. Or was it? The naysayers were heard, as usual. Those people for whom the experience was a purely visual one and who wondered what all the fuss was about. But for many, those using all their senses of sound, touch, taste and smell, as well as sight, the events were so much more. A full sensory experience that lasted for much longer than a few seconds. A few minutes, hours, maybe a day.

Our twelve-year old niece was staying with us in 1999. I decided to take her to the top of the White Horse on Sutton Bank. I shall never forget how slowly all around us became chilled and quiet. I was fascinated by how much light came from a tiny sliver of sun.

After the eclipse, a man wrote to the York Press, complaining about the ‘non-event’. As if it was something that had been organised by a human organisation. I had a response published. I wrote that it had been a full sensory experience, if one allowed it to be. Even more remarkable, it had been known about to the second, many centuries before and couldn’t be stopped by any human being, however important they thought they were. 

Silence can be uncomfortable and not something we’re used to in these times of 24/7 noise. It’s only in the last few years that I can fully appreciate the space to think, that silence can bring. 

*Living in the countryside, I'm surprised to find silence enjoyable, in a way that I could never before. The constant noise of city living can now feel an intrusion and I never thought I would feel like that.

*For many people, especially older people, the TV provides company and is on all day. When I was on my own, I had to have the radio on, generally with music. The radio is still my entertainment of choice with it's fantastic variety.  We have a radio in every room. I've always been used to background noise. But now the birdsong, wind in the trees and sheep provide the background soundtrack to many of my days.  

Using all our five senses, we can make those moments richer. A warning - using that time to misuse our imagination and ruminate on troubling thoughts can lead to depression and anxiety disorders.

Reflection

Anything activity that slows down our breathing and helps us focus on the here and now, will help reduce emotional arousal and keep our minds calmer. Just five minutes will help. The latest activity is called Mindfulness. A useful, free technique, using simples resources we have been given as human beings.

Choose somewhere to be silent. Breath in and out slowly. Be aware of all your senses at or in that moment. Feel the difference.

Two other senses are important in life too. Common-sense and a sense of humour. Seven free gifts of nature. Often underused. Value them all.

* I took my ten-year old grandson to a seaside village last week. The tide was in and we couldn't do the walk along the beach that I'd hoped. We sat on a sea wall and used our senses. We each chose three things to see (easy), smell, hear, feel and taste. We managed it and it was a fun way of spending thirty minutes. I'd never before thought about all the different sounds waves make, as they roll into shore. We accept so much around us, without actually thinking about it. We were being mindful and living in that moment. Then the smell of a lunchtime chip fryer wafted our way...

©AlisonRRussell2014 

Looking on the bright side - Scaling and benchmarks.

This is the extended* Body, Mind, Soul column from York Press dated July 28th, 2014.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11370676.Body__Mind___Soul__Always_look_on_the_brighter_side_of_life/?ref=arc

I woke up one Saturday morning, drank some water and nearly hit the ceiling. I had lost a filling overnight and the water hit a nerve. The immediate need to find a dentist took priority over a planned walk in the Dales.

The dentist’s surgery was in the neighbouring road. He saw me immediately on opening. By this time, I hadn’t eaten for fourteen hours, the anaesthetic caused me to feel woozy and I had to lie down in another room. Feeling better, I sat out in the waiting room again. Another patient looked concerned. I explained the circumstances and expressed how lucky I was that the dentist was nearby and available. He looked astonished. “ You’ve had all this happen and you think you’re lucky?”

That was when I realised that I tend to look for the positive in life. I’ve heard it called the Pollyanna Syndrome and being unrealistic. I don’t think so. All I know, is that it’s been a lifesaver on occasions. 

*My mother was a pessimist. I'm an optimist. She told me that she always thought the worst, because then when something nice happened, it came as a lovely surprise. My view is that while I've often thought the best and been disappointed, I've enjoyed thinking about the positive. If someone who is dealing with a sudden crisis, states, "I knew that would happen.", then it is likely they have been rehearsing the negative outcome in their mind. Then it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Though, in some situations such as an interview or exam, the statement could arise from self-protection. 

*Is it nature or nurture? Interesting question, to which there is no definitive answer. Clients would sometimes say, "I'm a born worrier." I would counter that by saying that we could agree that they were born with their gender, colouring and some talents already in their DNA. I would then suggested that worrying was a learnt behaviour, rather than one they were born with. Easier to change too.  Certainly in practice, if I saw someone with an anxiety problem, there was always a parent or main carer who had a high level of anxiety. One client, whose anxiety had caused him some problems in life, told me that his mother was 'frightened of life.'   

When my husband was in hospital last year, he was initially bewildered as to why he was asked by the nurses and doctors to scale various matters from one to ten. I explained that it was a measuring tool. A benchmark. Was it is worse or better? Scaling can be helpful in helping us manage life’s difficulties and challenges too. I ask myself, “Is this the worst...... that I’ve ever experienced?” The worst physical pain, emotional pain, workplace problem, domestic situation, interview, journey, weather, meal etc: It not only helps put the matter into perspective, but can provide ideas for finding solutions. What did we do before? How did we get through a tough time? We survived.

Reflection 

Do you know someone who moans and complains all the time? It can be draining can’t it? All that negativity isn’t healthy. Either for the person complaining or the listener. Therapists are taught to protect themselves from listening to and possibly absorbing negativity. 

* Loneliness in the elderly is a problem being highlighted at the moment. From my experience, I would suggest that some people do not help themselves by only holding conversations that are mainly moaning and complaining. It does not encourage visitors. While they may have some valid reasons, I also know plenty of people laden with problems, who very rarely complain. It is possible to do.  I see people slowly cutting themselves off by their negativity. 

One client woke up with life’s problems crowding her brain before she got up. I suggested she thought of three simple things to be thankful for. Hot water in the shower, food to eat for breakfast, clean clothes to wear. It worked. She began to look at her life through a different lens.

At the moment, there is a similar task being sent around friends on social media. Think of three simple, positive things in your day for five days. Write them down and after five days pass the task on to others. People have expressed how helpful it has been to them. They have put their problems into perspective. To some, it’s felt like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

Often, it’s the simple moments in life that can bring the greatest joy. 

©AlisonRRussell2014

Welcome to readers of Psychologies Magazine

Hello to new readers.

You may be reading this because you saw the advertisement for the book in the new edition of Psychologies Magazine. If so, welcome to the world of Alison R. Russell.

If you are considering buying or downloading the book, this is from the Summary Chapter at the end of the book:

Summary

The end... or just the beginning?

We live in the past or in the future; we are continually expecting the coming of some special moment when our life will unfold itself in its full significance. And we do not notice that life is flowing like water through our fingers.
Father Alexander Elchanov

There are three groups of people who read summaries, so I will write three summaries.

Group 1: Readers who have read the whole book.
I hope that this book delivered what it said on the cover. You have read about my own personal insights and been given some practical insights. You should now be full of your own insights, perhaps about some of your own behaviours: are you sure you don’t recognise yourself somewhere? If not, then certainly those of people you know in your family, socially, workplace and the wider world. It could lead to some life-changing decisions.

Group 2: Readers who have dipped into different chapters.
I hope you were tempted by the chapter headings. Did you find what you were looking for? If you didn’t, carry on and read the whole book. It will be worth it.

Group 3: Readers who have turned to the summaries to see whether the book is worth reading at all. 

It is. There are insights that will be thought-provoking, inspire discussion and may even change your life. If you’re not sure about reading it all, start with the Preface, Introduction, Chapters 1, 2 and 11.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

Helen Keller 

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If you would like to know what other readers think of the book, the unsolicited and genuine reviews on Amazon reflect exactly how I hoped the book would help readers.

http://amzn.to/PGv6w7

This is one of the reviews:
From Kee: Worth every penny. 10th Jan 2014
"An easy read, totally lacking in psychobabble, understandable and am sure we can all identify with some of the scenarios. It definitely helps to put one's life in perspective, change is good and this book helps to do that especially id you carry a behaviour or fear from childhood."
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This blog has further views and opinions on the subject of emotional growth.It was started in October 2013.  If you would like to know a little of my background and from where my understanding arises, I would suggest reading the recent posting, "I could weep..."

If you return to the first posting, you will read that Alison R Russell is a pen name. I have written another blog on the subject matter since 2009. I'm also a Wellbeing columnist for York Press. 

http://emotionalgrowth.blogspot.co.uk

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I write to help people, not for profit. £1 a copy/download of the book is going to the charity, ChildLine.

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You will find something of interest and relevance to you, your life and the lives of others.

Welcome.

©AlisonRRussell2014

It might happen, but it might not...risk.

I'm taking some flights later this year. An air crash tends to make one question the wisdom of flying, however fleetingly.  I missed a fatal rail crash by a day, which made me momentarily consider avoiding rail journeys. I recall thinking of avoiding London when the IRA bombs were going off and I lived in the south.

The funny thing is that I've never thought twice about walking down the street, riding my bicycle, driving a car, being a car passenger (well, perhaps sometimes!),going up and down stairs or walking around my sloping garden in ill fitting shoes. Though, statistically, I'm far more likely to have an accident, doing those activities than flying. There's something about the thought of mass destruction, that seems to make it worse.

If the Government really wanted to help prevents bad accidents, leading to chronic health problems and death, it is the over 70s walking along the pavements who should be wearing crash helmets. My own mother would have benefited. 

'Lies, damned lies and statistics'. A quote from a contested source. Mid 1800s.

I've always questioned the publication of statistics. Who's doing it? Who has paid for the research? Do they benefit financially in some way? 

The delivery of stastics needs questioning too, as generally the media rule by fear. A powerful emotion. The Daily Mail 'fearmongering', is well known. I recall a Science Journalist being interviewed some years ago by Simon Mayo on BBC Radio 5. He admitted that scientific stories can make for dull reading, so emotional language has to be used, to make people take notice. For instance, a story can be about 1 in 5 or 3 in 10 people who do or have something.  I always look at the 4 in 5 or 7 in 10 who don't do it or haven't got it. But genrally, that doesn't make for such a good story.

The other problem with stories containing statistics is that the figures do not represent the context or fuller picture. eg: car drivers go faster, more often, and further than cyclists. In health stories, there are rarely mentions of the general lifestyle of the people mentioned, which will influence results.


Out of interest I googled air crash statistics. I found two excellent sites and thought I'd share them. They make interesting reading, but  the useful information lies behind the figures.

The first one is about actual numbers and based on UK figures.

http://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2011/oct/28/mortality-statistics-causes-death-england-wales-2010

The second one is about odds and from the US.

http://www.nsc.org/news_resources/injury_and_death_statistics/Documents/2014-Injury-Facts-43.pdf

"The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live."
Leo F Buscaglia

Lessons to learn to make life easier.

This is the extended column from the York Press - June 30th 2014

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11309562.Mind__body_and_soul__Lessons_to_learn_to_make_life_a_lot_easier/

In the previous column, I used the eleven life lessons that the actor, Bob Hoskins, had given to his daughter, Rosa.

There wasn’t space in the column to elaborate on any of the lessons, but two of them jumped out at me. Lessons which, if used regularly, could reduce the incident of emotional health problems in society.

Lesson 4: Don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Everyone’s a critic, but ultimately what they say only matters if you let it. Don’t believe your own press. People can just as easily sing your praises as they can tear you down. Don’t waste your time on things you can’t change. Let it slide off you like water off a duck’s back.

Not an easy rule to believe in and needs a degree of balance. If someone dislikes a meal I prepare, that’s okay. Food can’t possibly be to everyone’s taste. It doesn’t mean I’m a hopeless cook. But if someone was to point out that my driving was dangerous, then perhaps I should think about who and why they were saying that. They haven’t…yet. 

*Blog extra: When we doubt ourselves, we generally 'hear' two sides to the argument. There will be the positive remarks  and internal self-belief, while on the opposite side will be the negative comments and internal self-doubt. This is where I love the story of the Two Wolves:

An old Cherokee told his grandson: “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, and resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth.”
The boy thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?
The old man quietly replied, “The one you feed.”

I have found through life and in work as a therapist, that a sizable majority of people with emotional health problems are not making their own decisions or holding their own opinions. 

Sometimes it doesn't appear particularly serious, just about the newspaper they read, "Dad always said the others were rubbish." or social niceties, "Mum said, we mustn't..." Though I wonder why they feel unable to have their own grown-up opinions.

Then there are the more serious consequences. Some people appear to be a puppet, with someone else holding the strings. Usually a person from the past,a parent or teacher, but not always. In the worst cases and in my experience the most challenging to treat, were people with Obsessional Compulsive Disorder (OCD). No sooner were a few strings cut, but others were pulled instead. The problems were always about control. The person with OCD appears to have someone in their lives trying to control them. Often this person had been with them through their upbringing and could still have the power to control. Fear is ever present.

If we have doubts about ourselves, we need to examine their root cause. Why don't we feel good enough? Where did those doubts come from? What's their root? Can we have another view? Is it just as valid? 

My father could be challenging. He was dogmatic in his beliefs, with disastrous results. I learnt to stand up to him. He never stopped professing his belief that he was right, but towards the end of his life, I managed to get him to preface his comments with a "In my opinion...", even if he said it sarcastically and with a wry smile.

I experienced some heavy criticism about the ideas in my book, from people I respected and who mattered in my working life. I was knocked back and voices from the past about my inadequacies surfaced. Eventually, the passion to write and and publish the book became strong again. I let the good wolf take over my thinking. I don't think the people who opposed me were evil, but I do think that they had they had their own wolves too.

Lesson 6: Whatever you do, always give it a good go. Don’t be afraid of failure and disappointment. If you fall flat on your face then get straight back up. You’ll always regret not trying. Disappointment is temporary, regret is forever.

A man, Ron, in his fifties, was in a workshop audience. He explained that I had just made sense of his life. At school, a teacher had stood behind him one day and said, “Collins, you are slow, but sure. Slow to learn and sure to fail.” Ron said that whenever he thought of changing his job or taking up a new interest, he would believe that he was sure to fail, so hadn’t bothered to try anything new. Ron was a frustrated and unfulfilled man. He hadn’t realised where his self belief had originated and told us that he was going to change his thinking immediately. I hope he did. 

Teachers can’t win. An intelligent, young girl, Mandy, took her work to show the teacher. “Oh I don’t even have to look at it, to know it’s good” and gave her a good mark. The girl gave up making an effort in class, as she thought the teacher didn’t care enough to look at her work.

Reflection

When we were babies and toddlers, we failed at everything we tried. Eating, sitting, walking, talking, dressing, writing and reading. With perseverance, we learnt to master these skills and learn many more.

As we mature, we can discover our individual natural skills and talents and those that perhaps don’t come so naturally. But we should always keep learning.

*Blog extra: I was listening to Peter Jones CBE, the entrepreneur, on the radio. He's 48 and the longest serving member of the TV business ideas programme, Dragon's Den. He was asked about his worst decision. It said it was a financial one when he was in his mid twenties. He went from being a successful business man to a man who had lost everything. Business, home, car, everything. 

Success is not built on success. It's built on failure. It's built on frustration. Sometimes its built on catastrophe.  Summer Redstone

©AlisonRRussell2014

Words to encourage, comfort and reassure from Bob Hoskins

This is the column I wrote for the York Press on June 5th 2014.  I will write further on some of the points in the next blog.

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/11250632.Body__Mind___Soul__Words_to_encourage__comfort_and_reassure/

I usually write an article and finish with a short ‘Reflection’. This month the Reflection will take prominence.

The actor, Bob Hoskins died on April 29, aged 71. There were many tributes on his fine and varied film and TV career. His early life certainly did not appear to suggest that his future lay in Television and then on to Hollywood.

His daughter, Rosa, released a list of ‘Eleven Life Lessons’, which her father had given her to “encourage, comfort and reassure.” I hope they help you too.

Reflection

Stop for a few minutes in your day. Read slowly. Reflect on each lesson. Find the lessons that may help you in life.

1) Laugh. There’s humour to be found everywhere, even your darkest days there’s something to have a joke about. Laugh long and loud and make other people laugh. It’s good for you.

2) Be yourself. If someone doesn’t like you they’re either stupid , blind, or they’ve got bad taste. Accept who you are, you’ve got no one else to be. Don’t try to change yourself, there’s no point. Don’t apologise. Don’t make excuses. Be yourself and if anyone else doesn’t like it, let them go away.

3) Be flamboyant, it’s who you are and always have been. Be eccentric and unique. Don’t try to adapt yourself to someone else’s view of normal. That belongs to them, not you. Like yourself as who you are.

4) Don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Everyone’s a critic, but ultimately what they say only matters if you let it. Don’t believe your own press. People can just as easily sing your praises as they can tear you down. Don’t waste your time on things you can’t change. Let it slide off you like water off a duck’s back.

5) Get angry, it’s ok to lose your temper now and then. If anger stays in, it turns to poison and makes you bitter and sad. Get angry, say your peace, then let it go.

6) Whatever you do, always give it a good go. Don’t be afraid of failure and disappointment. If you fall flat on your face then get straight back up. You’ll always regret not trying. Disappointment is temporary, regret is forever.

7) Be generous and kind because you can’t take it with you. When you’ve got something to give, give it without hesitation.

8) Appreciate beauty, take pictures and make memories. Capture it, you never know when it’ll be gone.

9) Don’t take yourself too seriously. People who take themselves too seriously are boring.

10) Never, ever, ever, ever give up. Keep on punching no matter what your up against. You’re only defeated if you give up, so don’t give up.

11) Love with all your heart. In the end, love is the only thing that matters.

©AlisonRRussell2014