Managing an illness and recovery.

 This is an extended* column, first published in the York Press on Tuesday, February 14th, 2017

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/health/15093396.Body__mind_and_soul__Four_point_plan_to_help_in_sickness_and_in_health/

 How was your January? Did you cough your way through it? I did and it appears that there were many others who did too. *Coughed through February too, my commiserations to others who have experienced this persistent bug.

 I was mostly housebound for ten days. After a couple of days of feeling ‘proper poorly’ and becoming bored with daytime television, I knew that my daily routine needed to be reassessed. Television is a useful distraction at times, but it can also lead to apathy and be a delayer of recovery. *I witnessed this on a psychiatric ward.

 What was needed were some daily targets and a reason to get up and dressed. It is surprising what an effort it can take to get washed and dressed, if there is no real incentive to do so. This became my four point plan.

1. A purpose. Gentle de-cluttering. I spent 60 - 90 minutes a day completing a light de-cluttering task. Most homes can benefit from de-cluttering drawers, cupboards and paperwork. In my case it was boxes of paperwork, acquired from clearing my father’s house four years ago. I had some plastic storage boxes, bin liners and an audio book to listen to for distraction. Satisfaction from a task completed each day felt good.
2. Small steps. Each de-clutter or other small task would last around an hour. I recovered slowly, but now, can reflect on fourteen hours spent completing jobs I didn’t want to do and would have stayed not done, if I had I been well.

                    3. Task and treat. I would reward myself after any task 
             that was completed. Sitting on the sofa with a magazine 
             and a hot drink had to be earned. The same with a TV 
             programme. Resting was important too.

4. Gentle exercise. My family gave me an exercise wristband last year. There was no hope of achieving the usual 10,000 steps a day, it was 2-3,000 most days. My target was another figure on the band, 250 steps an hour between 9am - 5pm.This encouraged me get up and move around much more than I would have done without a visible target. These four points can be adapted for most people in a variety of circumstances. It is much better than doing little and feeling even sorrier for oneself.

*After writing this article, some thirty year old memories came to mind. In 1985, after having a cold, I developed aching limbs, brain fog and a very weak body. It was ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephalopathy/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), but in those days, very little was known about the illness. Thirty years later the diagnosis is still controversial and leads to debate. After many tests, no-one could say what the problem was, but by chance I read a magazine article by the round the world sailor, Claire Frances and recognised her symptoms of ME/CFS. The GP was minded to agree.

Because there was nothing medical that could be done, I kept going - just. I lay on the sofa for most of the day, but just about cooked a family meal each evening.  I seem to recall only one day defeated me. This meant I had a purpose and had to move.

In the end, I recovered slowly. I firmly believe that having to move and cook a meal every day led to a faster recovery than if I had done nothing. Nowadays the thinking is that minimal movement is a good idea, though at the time, ones mind is screaming not to make things worse. It was really quite frightening and even now, if I'm overtired, a leg muscle can ache in the way it did all those years ago and make me stop and think. I wrote about my experiences in 2011.

http://emotionalgrowth.blogspot.co.uk/2011/08/youre-mental-no-i-am-not-i-have-virus.html

©AlisonRRussell2017

Would you be a friend to yourself? Self awareness.

This is the *extended article, which was published in The York Press on Tuesday, April 5th, 2016.
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/features/features/14421072.Body__Mind_and_Soul__Observing_ourselves_is_the_way_to_develop_real_insight/?ref=mac

I have been visiting friends, who are unwell and feeling rough.  Ann is post operative and Sarah is having chemotherapy. Both friends have experienced some truly horrible times through life, as well as good times. We talk, discuss problems and laugh. I commended Ann on her attitude and she replied, “Well, if I was miserable all the time, no-one would want to come and visit me.” When I said much the same to Sarah, she replied, “What’s the point of making everyone else miserable, just because I’m going through it?” 

Ann and Sarah have personal insight and a mature level of self-awareness. They are not self-absorbed and think of and help others too.  

Their comments made me think of the focus on loneliness in the media at the moment and I thought of people who moan rather too much.

* In life there are people with whom we interact and can come away energised, even if the conversation has contained negative elements. There are other people where we can feel drained after spending time in their company. Therapists are taught to protect themselves from the negativity that can naturally exist in a therapy session. There can be times when, if not careful, a therapist can feel  that the client has plugged into the therapist's energies and drained them. It's one of the reasons I chose to be a solution-focused therapist. Despite the problems aired, how much more positive it was to focus on the client's resources and how they were going to be used in finding solutions.  

One of the motivators in finding a more positive approach in mental health came as a nursing assistant and thus, an observer, working on an acute psychiatric ward twenty years ago. I was appalled after the morning get-together, when the patients would come out of the room, most of them with heads down, crying, walking in a line along the corridor (lined with boxes of tissues!), as if they were covered in a shroud of misery, which of course, they were. Sitting in a room for an hour, all feeding off each other's misery could only lead one way. That way was downwards.

In my studies, I was taught about the invaluable ‘Observing Self’. Imagine an internal CCTV.  The ability to look at yourself in situations and think about how you are behaving. Perhaps not a comfortable exercise, but very helpful. I’m tall and sometimes use my Observing Self in situations where I become aware that I’m perhaps standing a little too close, maybe speaking too loud too, perhaps too intrusively. I don't always get it right, but I try to be self-aware.

A client told me that he didn’t have any friends. Despite further discussion, he couldn’t elaborate. So I asked him to imagine he was taking me to his local pub. He had to imagine that we walked into the pub and could see him standing at the bar. I suggested that we went to talk to him. As quick as a flash, he told me not to, because he wasn’t very nice. I asked him why he wasn’t very nice. He said he pinched his friend’s girlfriends. He had used his Observing Self and now we had something concrete to work with.

*I have had to withdraw from a couple of friendships, because the negativity and lack of self awareness was draining me. It's sad, because others have felt like that too. It may appear selfish to some people, but we need to protect ourselves from harmful relationships, otherwise we can become unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.

We all love a moan and a gossip, but there is a limit.  The limit is when people withdraw from your company. Would you want to talk to you, visit you, help you, introduce friends to you? If not, why not? 

Can you change your attitude? Ann and Sarah know that you cannot change events, but you can change your attitude to them. 

Small changes can bring big differences.

©AlisonRRussell2016

Feeling sad...can we choose to change our emotions?

I feel sad today. I felt sad yesterday. I have cried.

But I should be happy. 

One year ago today, my husband's life was saved by a wonderful surgeon, Mr Gatt, and his team, at Scarborough Hospital, North Yorkshire. He felt unwell on Sunday, September 29th. Nothing to worry about, just a bug. He's rarely unwell. Matters became worse and by the evening he was in A&E. 

At 8.30am on Monday, September 30th he underwent four hours of emergency, life-changing surgery and very nearly lost his life. Days followed in Intensive Care, High Dependency, on a general ward and then eventually he came home.

A year later and A is well, so there's lots to be happy about, isn't there?

Yes there is and we regularly count our blessings. Each day still seems a bonus. We also try not to get niggled by small stuff, but that's not always easy. Why the sadness and tears then?

Because I am recalling those hours and days of a year ago, minute by minute. The shock, the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys', the feelings of despair, the uncertainty, the 'howling to the moon' at 2am, the obliteration of major plans in October, the kindness of strangers and amazing support of friends and family. Mainly though, the shock. Having some understanding on how the brain works, I was able to process what my mind and body were experiencing and found it interesting in a weird way. I knew it would pass.

Two emotions surprised me. In fact, they overwhelmed me. I think it's those emotions that I'm recalling. I received many kind offers of help and people who wanted to stay with me. I had to say no. I needed, not wanted, needed to be alone after a day at the hospital. This where text and social media were superb resources. I text a daily bulletin to family, friends and colleagues. I knew they had a need to know and it saved me having to speak on the phone for hours and repeat everything.  I was exhausted, but despite being  alone in the house, I knew that I wasn't alone in the crisis.

The second emotion, which was visceral, occurred when A came home.  I felt extraordinarily protective for a few weeks. I wanted to shut the world out and protect him. 

I didn't have a choice how I felt a year ago. I was in shock and not in control of my emotions for a time, except, though, I managed to be in control when I visited the hospital.  But I'm not in shock today, so why the sadness and tears?

Last week, there was a superb drama on BBC TV called, 'Marvellous'. A true story and worth watching. 
http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2014/09/bbc2-s-marvellous-lives-its-name Perhaps the football theme may put you off? It's about so much more than football, it's about the human spirit.  A grown man, with a less complex view on the world said that he had decided to be happy in life. Is that possible? Many people will say that it is not. I believe that happiness comes in moments, rather than a constant state of mind. The striving to be happy can be a state of Chasing Rainbows. But I knew what he meant. I prefer the word 'content'. It's more achievable. 

I cannot help the strong reactions that I have experienced on the anniversary of last year's events. But I can control my response to them. (I am not talking about PTSD, which is a severe form of past memories hijacking a person's mind and body.) Many people loathe being told they have a choice about how they can respond to events. 

I have two main choices. I can choose to keep my mind on the events of last year, turning them over in my head, picking at the seeping emotional wounds and wallowing in the memories or I can chose to change what my mind is focusing on. There is a strange comfort in the wallowing in the familiar, however painful it is and it's tempting to remain in that state. There may be a case for allowing oneself to indulge to some self absorption, if it can provide some helpful personal insight.  I have also been thinking of people in my life who have died and adding those memories to the sadness soup.

My second choice is to accept the strong reactions, even discuss them or write about them, but then change what I'm doing to change my thinking processes and mood. DIY Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

Music is the fastest mood changer in my life. I play music on the radio or music player every day and can raise or lower my mood by what I listen to. Physical stature can change a mood too.

At a workshop in Australia many years ago, I gave a simple illustration. Someone came out of the audience to walk across the stage with me. We walked slowly, slouched over, talking about how happy we were and trying to be upbeat in our conversation. We then changed to walking upright, with purpose and talked about how miserable and unhappy we were. Try it. Visual demonstrations can be powerful and that one became unforgettable for many people.

When A was recovering, he was told by staff that there were two main things that would help towards a successful recovery. 1. Family support, which fortunately was a given. 2. Attitude.

As A has always veered away from anything medical, I had a great concern about the second. But I needn't have worried. This is a man who decided many years ago that he didn't want to be remembered as a grumpy grandfather, so he makes a special effort when we see the grandchildren. His choice.

So A thought about two possible role models. One was his father, who had been a healthy man until 55 years old. He slowly became a paraplegic and then through some of the treatment treatment became blind. His attitude was to get on with it, the best way he could. Another relative with a chronic illness had chosen a less helpful way of managing. 

He chose his father. His choice.

©AlisonRRussell2014